April, 1985
Dear MaryJanes,
I turn 22 years old this month and wonder what I will ever become when I "grow up." I worry about this often as I have no plan. My mom had wanted me to go to beauty school, but the thought of wrapping little, old lady's hair up in perm rollers just didn't sound like a suitable career for me. I worry that I will never have a plan beyond being a nanny. I know that for me, being with you full time, up until kindergarten is what I feel I need to do. I don't have the option of being a homemaker and stay at home mom. I have to earn an income and pay my portion. Your father and I continue to separate our money and I continue to cover your expenses.
Your father and I actually have some fun times together. We go to visit with his folks and his mother and I talk about all of the "what ifs" in life. She became pregnant with their oldest when she was unwed as well, though she was only seventeen at the time. I suppose that for this reason she was so adamant with your father that he was to marry me when you were conceived. She tells me her secrets of how she felt when she became pregnant. She explains that she was so upset with your grandfather that he had put her in that condition. We talk about what our lives would be if we each had not become unwed mothers. I explain to her that I love being a mother, and would not change that for one second. I only wish that her son would be the kind of man that her husband was. She confides me that she feels sheltered and over protected. She shares with me that my father-in-law does not like her to venture out without him. He worries for her safety. I envy her position, if only her son would show some sign of leadership in his role as a father and husband. She and I can sit for hours and talk about life and what we dream about. I enjoy her friendship and consider her to be a very good friend and confidante.
While the two of us chat, your father and his dad wander outside and talk about the things that matter to them. Your father looks up to your grandfather and they share many interests. He is a perfect role model for your father, if only he would follow the lead.
Image by Alice B Gardens
Your grandmother has a little brown cupboard that she hides treasures in for you to discover each time we come for a visit. We call it the three bears cupboard. It is child size and has cute, little doors and drawers. It is filled with miniature baking supplies and you love to use it to pretend baking. Their house is warm and inviting and the aroma of homemade bread lingers in the air. It's enjoyable to be there and I find that your father and I act like an actual married couple while we visit with them. You love being there and your grandparents love you so much.
Their house is decorated with many antiques. Beautiful, simply artwork hangs from each wall. I am drawn to one framed picture in particular. It is a young woman wearing peasant clothing with two large baskets of fresh flowers draped over her shoulders then dangling down from a shoulder rack. She appears to be on a upper class walk way, at the door steps of a lavish house. I take her to be selling her flowers door to door in a neighborhood in which she does not reside. The gaze on her face gives me the impression she feels less than average in her less than average clothing among those beautiful homes. I suppose those women that answer her knock are dressed in gorgeous gowns and purchase fresh flowers daily to adorn their crystal vases that are displayed under the glow of fantastic crystal chandeliers. I can relate to the woman in the picture. I am drawn to her like she is a reflection of myself. The difference between us is that I do not dream of a lavish life style, but merely a warm and loving home in which to raise you.
Now enjoy yourself.
Love, Galoshes
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