Friday, July 30, 2010

Old Habits

Image by irenesuchocki

April 1984

Dear MaryJanes,

When I called my old "love" I never expected that he would say, "Where are you, I will be right there." Even when I have broken his heart, married and then gave birth to another man's child, he still wanted to see me. He was there within the hour, and you took to him instantly. He has a gentle nature and I think you must have sensed that. It was awkward, I wanted to explain how selfish I had been and to tell him how sorry I was for what I put him through, but he did not want to hear that. He told me that all that mattered was that I had called and he hoped he had a chance to step back into my life, our lives. He is so sweet, but I don't know that I feel the same for him as he feels for me. I wish I could muster something up, I just feel bad for him. He never married, he told me he still loved me and would never love another. How can I walk away from this man?
Why is it that I miss you father right now? Right at this very minute when this handsome man with a promising future is offering his love for me and to help raise you. And all I can do is think about why your father does not love me like this. In truth, I am in love with the idea of what I hope your father could become. His father is such a wonderful person, a good soul and someone with integrity. It is my hopes that some day your father will turn into the same kind, gentle man that your grandfather is......someday it's bound to happen.

Bill stays and visits for a long time and when it is time for him to leave, he asks if I will come and see his folks, he says they still ask about me. I tell him I think that would be nice and then he walks out the door. I watch out my second floor apartment window as he walks to his car. He looks up and then surprises me with a hand signal that we use to give each other as we parted ways. His arm went into the air, and then his pinkie finger was raised with the other fingers clasped shut, our sign for, "I love you." My eyes water and I realize that I have carried this sign over to my relationship with your father. I 'd almost forgotten where is originated from. There it was, slapping me in the face. I will cry tonight, a good long cry, and when I can not muster up another tear, I will close my eyes and sleep.
Now close your eyes and go to sleep.

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