Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Past and Present

April 1984,

Dear MaryJanes,

I believe in the foundation of an old fashion marriage, marry and stay married. Your father has made this moral of mine very challenging to abide by. He will not for the life of me, or you for that matter, GROW UP! I have been attracted to the wrong kind of guys all of my life. I credit this flaw to my father. They say you marry a man that is similar to your own father. GOOD GRIEF, what is wrong with me? I despise everything about my father. Will you do the same? Will you want to date guys that are wild and sexist? {Note to self, have conversation with MaryJanes regarding good guys and bad guys when she turns 3, and drill this into her every year until she marries}

Our apartment is not in the best of locations, but it is what I can afford with your father's $100.00 per month child support that I agreed to. {stupid, stupid woman!} It's a one bedroom so your crib is close to my bed, I love to lay there and watch you sleep. I will go without a phone, I suppose there are plenty of neighboring doors that I could knock on in the event of an emergency. A phone is just an added expense that I can not afford at this time. Your father has rented from a couple that have a house with a mother-in-law quarters, and yes, he has a phone. He can afford this luxury on his $27,000.00 income.
I have gotten back in contact with a friend from my previous pointless job. She was glad to hear from me and that made me feel really good. She stood up for me in my wedding and we slowly lost contact after that. She is not a fan of your father, and was thrilled to hear that I separated from him. She loves to go out and hear music and dance. I don't much care for the smoky bars and how loud it is, but I do love to dance. It feels good to have someone to talk to and laugh with, I have missed that.
I am so glad that during the week you have friends to play with. You seem to take a leadership role, even with the children that are older than you. I set up play stations for you and the others to play. I build forts with blankets and we collect the dolls to put ny-nite inside of it. I try to show you and encourage you to use imagination play, I hope that you maintain this skill through out life. It's a good thing to be able to use your imagination! Sometimes when we are at home and I turn the music on, you and I dance. I have noticed that you actually have really good rhythm especially for just be a little over a year old. This is one of my very favorite things to do....just turn up the music and we dance. You smile and giggle and in those moments everything in my world is flawless.

I wonder what you think about being in a new place? You are used to not having your father around, but now you rarely see him. This is so unfair to you. I question myself several times, Am I doing the right thing? All I can do is to create distance from him to see how he reacts. Will he miss us enough to try to make a change? Will he step up and become the man that you need him to be as a father and that I need him to be as a husband? Can he change? If he could just see that family is the most important thing that life has to offer, maybe he would then just try. But for now, I will look around and see if there might be other doors that open. I don't like being without a man in my life, I never have. For this reason it doesn't surprise me when I drive to a phone booth and scroll my fingers down the pages of small, black text. Will he be listed under William or Bill? I find my answer, William, my first "love" and the guy that was not like any of the other boys in my life. William was sweet, kind and everything a girl should look for when dating. He treated me like I was the most important person on earth, but I got bored, and tossed him aside for a California beach bum. I drop my coins into the slot, and I dial the number that my finger is pointing to. What will I say? Why am I calling? I hear a familiar voice on the line, and a gush of emotions runs through me. Guilt weighs the heaviest to me, I never do well with the feeling of guilt. "Bill......?" I ask. I hear him breathing, he knows it is me. It has been four years, and he still knows that it is me. "Lisa?" he replies. What Am I doing to this poor guy? He is in the past and I should leave the past alone. I can see no good to come of this, yet here I am, ripping an old band-aide off of his heart.

Now Just Pretend.



  1. I am rooting for Galoshes, and the situation they are in is breaking my heart. Go on, please, go on!

  2. CT
    Ohhh, you are so sweet!!
    Thank you for your cheer!!