Monday, July 19, 2010

Try To Nest

Image By: Warm Whispers

September 1982

Dear MaryJanes,
There is no diamond that sparkles on my left index finger, a proposal was never made.Yet he and I were wed. Between his own mother's wrath and my old fashion views on pregnancy and responsibility he had no choice. Our wedding gift money was spent on motorcycle accessories, and as we left on his "crotch rocket" VFR750 F motorcycle for our honeymoon, I stood my ground and demanded, "I need to spend a little of the wedding money on a couple of maternity outfits!" Wow, that took guts! For a fairly smart young lady, I sure am stupid about this whole arrangement. I am living in a distorted imaginary world of dreams that if I spoil him and give him all the freedoms he desires, that he will learn to love me. Why wouldn't he? I would make such a good wife. I am faithful and loving, funny and witty, direct and to the point as well as adventurous and spontaneous. Even my 2 previous past "loves" still pursue me in hopes of stepping into his place, even when I am 6 months pregnant with another man's child. So there must be something about me that this man should be able to see in me. And is it me? All this time I am trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, without even a clue as to that maybe this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I will remain blind to this knowledge for 16 more years.
You are kicking and moving and I am aware that you are here with me but the reality that a little life with soon be breathing air still has not fully embraced me. I don't take any coarse on child birth, nor do I read any books on being pregnant. I will simply wing this whole 9 plus months. We live out in the country, secluded from just about everything except for the few other renters that live within the same horseshoe driveway that we live on. So the days are spent with my dog, Kari. She is my best companion and when I am sick all day and night with nausea, she seems to sense that I need her comfort. On an outing I took the other day I saw a sign at the end of a drive way, it displays my very favorite words, FREE PUPPIES. My car pulled into the drive without hesitation. A new puppy might solve everything, or at least band aide some of my loneliness. The farmer greets me as I open the car door and takes me to see the puppies. But from the corner of my eye, I see the one that will come home with me. She is watching me as if she is waiting to be claimed. Perhaps a left over pup from the last litter? Or maybe the pick of the litter that they intend on keeping? I ask the farmer if the pup in the drive way is available. He seems puzzled that I am not smitten with the new pups. " I would like that pup, could I have her?" I inquire. He hesitates, and then sees that I am already in love with her. How could he say no? He can't, she is now part of my family, her name will be Dagmar.
When I get home your father is on the phone, I let Dagmar down and allow her to make her own entrance. Kari is thrilled to see a new friend and gives a warm and loving welcome. Your father hears that patters of those four little feet and I hear him say, "It sounds like Lisa has brought something home" He doesn't look pleased with me, he gives me a look that maybe my father would have given me. A look that says so many words with out saying a thing. As he gets up and walks outside, she follows him. She stays on his heels as if she might be pleading her case to stay in her new home. She wins him over with her charm, she will get to stay.

image by irenesuchocki
This is the last time I will be able to venture out on my own for the remainder of my pregnancy. My car brakes have failed and so my little yellow car gets parked and your father, though capable, does not replace my brake pads. I often think of the nursery rhyme, Peter, Peter Pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.
Now Behave!

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