Saturday, July 17, 2010


Image By Alicebgardens

Dear MaryJanes,

July 1982
I don’t know much about pregnancy. I know I am sick everyday and the doctor has written my work to say that I must take an early maternity leave. I wake up nauseated, my day is consumed with trying to keep any little scrap of food down and my nights are a battle to keep from crying from exhaustion. {a side note: If this were getting me into a size 6 jeans..ok then, but it ain't happening!}
I have not shared my secret of you with my family beyond my sister, Kim. She is just shy of 6 years older than me but so much more mature. Years of practice on her part from being the oldest of us three siblings. She had to be wise beyond her years in order to survive her role in our family.
I am just past 4 months pregnant when the phone rings at the duplex that I have moved into with your father. It is my own father on the other line. My sister has spoken those words, “she’s pregnant.” She has done what she thought needed to be done, tell my secret to my parents. I suppose it is all for the best. I am in denial of what is really taking place. I have no plan in place, no crib, no baby clothes, not even a piece of maternity clothes for myself. I have a six month maternity leave at half my wages, half of not much is very little. So how will I be able to provide for you? Everything that I receive goes to my half of the rental and household expenses. I am clueless as to how much your father is heartless to my condition. I just see it as me paying my way. I don't hold your father accountable for his actions beyond living under the same roof. He makes a very good wage and has allot of fun spending it on himself and any latest boy toys that he might desire. He gets his wallet out for the weekend parties that he attends as well as the motorcycle trips that he escapes on. We have now basically become roommates in a twisted type of "relationship". It is apparent to me that I will need to contribute half of any house hold expenses as well as covering any costs that are involved with your needs. {He was not "ready" for children and for the responsibility, and further more, he really doesn't want any children} I don't see my options, do I have any? Can someone slap me to wake me up and show me what else I can do! I really need direction here because I feel like I am drowning..

My father tells me that they are there for me, that it’s "ok." I wish that this helped, to hear those words I mean. But they are words that don’t weigh much to me. My father raised us to be proud, independent and fend for ourselves. I wont be asking for help. I am certainly too self sufficient centered for this.
I don’t see that my pride gets in the way of your well being. I am too young and foolish for this knowledge. This is something I will later learn is a fault in my personality. I see my life as my situation, I make choices, and I need to be accountable. I just don’t see that being in this on my own is not the right choice for you. I hope you make better choices when you are grown and have your own children. Now Do As I Say, Not As I Do!


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