Putting Things In The Past

Image By: mfayrephotography

11/29/10

Dear Readers.

Funny writing "readers" as I suppose there are only a handful of you that have followed along. When the idea of this blog surfaced in my mind, I had the notion of helping other young mothers struggling in dead end relationships for the sake of their child. I have enjoyed the years of open communication with my daughter and she amazes me every day with her creativity, her ideas and her sense of herself. I find that rereading my letters to her and then retyping them into this blog stirs up so many feelings which in turn weigh on me for weeks after wards. I was 19 years old and unwed when I became pregnant with MJ . I was so unsure of myself and it shows in the choices I made to continue to reunite with her father. I had such a low self esteem that I did not know how to break away and stay away from her father for good. I see it so very clear now and when I read my letters I have such a strong sense of guilt and anger that rushes over me that I feel it might be best to fast forward into the next chapter of our lives. I truly want to step away from those memories of her father and start up where our lives take a turn of events. In my day to day life I rarely have a thought of her father, but since starting this blog, I find myself digging up those awful feelings towards him and the sense of guilt for not providing MJ with a healthy father figure. I was so set on making our family work 'someday' that I short changed so many todays.
In the next few days I will do a fast forward of events leading up to me finally sitting on a front porch and telling her father that neither of us was living up to our full potentials together and that I was leaving him for good. And I did, I left him for good. Wow, now that felt good to type.
Let me do that again.... I did, I left him for good!
I now have a smile on my face.
So I hope that you are each good with a change in the story. I will fill you in on the events of 1994 to 1998. At that point I will retype letters MJ and I exchanged from that point on. When MJ signed up for the military on her 17th birthday, and then left for basic training we wrote back and fourth so often that it will take days to get through those! So the next couple of posts will be a summary of events and pictures over the years.
I hope you will continue reading along and let us know if these letters touch home with you in any way.
Now Stay Tuned,
~Galoshes

Disney Downsides

Image By: shehitpausestudios

November, 1993

Dear MaryJanes,

I had stashed away what money I could so that we could be included in our extended families trip to Disney World. My sister and brother, along with their kids and your grandmother were all traveling together. We drove a used motor home that my mother had purchased in hopes of driving her self on various travels in the future. This was the first trip it had taken since it was purchased. What was suppose to be a fairy tale trip for you was altered by the expenses needed for repair and fuel for the motor home. The fuel alone consumed over $700.00 of my funds. Your father did not contribute to this travel and so any money that was spent, was from my skimping and saving. I barely had enough to cover our campsite, meals and little entertainment. I can not tell you how sick I felt not to be able to let you do all of the rides and games that a child should do on their once in a life time Disney visit.
My sister saw my anguish, and did a few extra special things for you. She had her own family to see to and I know she was irritated with your father for not helping us out. She kept quite about it and helped make the trip fun with suggestions of free entertainment ideas.
Having enough fuel money for the return trip home weighed on my mind through out each day. I had figured out what money I would need for the return trip home, and tucked it away.

I journal this down as a way to let it go. I do not know that I will ever let you read this letter, but I needed to vent my frustrations somewhere.
I don't think you were aware of just how much my heart was hurting to see you go with less than what I had dreamed for you. I hope the nights around the campfire and just being with family over shadowed the missed out purchases that I would have normally made for you. I hope you that you had a fun trip despite all of that.
Your father had told me that he had no interest in a trip to Disney World and wasn't even going to join us. I needed him to drive the motor home and so insuring him that it would not cost him a cent, he agreed to go. Would it really have killed him to tuck a little extra money in his wallet to give you a special trip? Apparently so, as he never offered.
Why on earth did I ever agree to go back to him?

Now Dream Of Far Away Places.
Love, Galoshes

A New Home

Image by: buckscountyframes




September, 1992


Dear MaryJanes,

Ten years ago your father and I were married. After all this time we now have a house to call our own. It is an old farm house with 40 acres and a long, narrow barn with a couple of horse stalls. We can bring your pony home and I will look for a horse, maybe a lamb or a goat and of coarse we will start right away for a search for a big puppy.

There is work to be done, and some fixing to do, but it is ours.
Since we live way out in the country, I found you a little mini bike so that you ride it around the land and to the closet house down the road, I see they have a girl about your age.
Your father did the ground work and came up with 2 house options and asked me to pick the one I liked best. He swears he will work hard, stop drinking and become an active role in our little family. He seems to have really worked hard to pull this all together and I think he is sincere in his efforts.
We came up with a solution for your small bedroom by building a cute bunk bed with a desk area for you below. This was one of the very first undertakings in making this old house suitable to our needs. There was a compromise in locations for the house so that it was between your fathers job and mine. You have started a new school and have a very nice teacher. I hope you make friends and adjust to this move. You seem excited to be back as a family and I hope that your father stays true to his word.
I found a good deal on some new paint and you said you would like to help pick out colors and paint. We will have to tackle remodeling the kitchen, the laundry room and the bathroom. First I want to go to the barn and get the stalls ready for your pony. I am glad there is a fenced in area for her to roam. I noticed that there are berries growing along the back side of the barn, we will have to gather them next spring. I will plan for a big garden and hanging my clothes out on a line to dry. Spring will be wonderful!

Image by: BonnieJones

This feels good to be making a place for us to live as a family. I pray that God will watch over us and help your father make the needed adjustments that he has agreed to.

Now saddle up your pony and run with the wind.
Love, Galoshes

Yo-Yo

Image by: sixthandmain


Dear Galoshes,

A small round plastic toy with a string that pulls it up and down when pressure is applied. My father is that string applying pressure and you are that small plastic toy that drags me along with you. Always trying to break away, just to be yanked back in again.

I wish I could cut that string, burn it, then bury it far far away. We could go anywhere, be anything we wanted to be, the two of us. We would be so much happier without him. You want so desperately for him not to make the mistakes your own father did, for me to have a father unlike yourself, but he just isn't that person. He will NEVER BE that person. But it will be a long, bumpy, road before you realize this.

He is an addict. Alcohol is his drug of choice. Even at times when he is alone with me, responsible for keeping me safe, I find myself caring for him in a drunken stupor. I find it funny that someone who thinks of himself so highly and belittles others so easily puts himself in a position that a child has to care for him, for he is too drunk to do it himself.

Run, please, run and do not look back.

Love,
MaryJanes

Where Is This Heading?

Image by: sixthandmain

June 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

He makes promises and I want so to believe that he is sincere. Your father says he misses us and that he is ready to do what ever it takes to get us back together. The sensible part of me says that this is a trap. The sentimental part of me wants to believe this is the truth.
I am not easily lured as I make my list of demands.
No Smoking.
No drinking.
We buy a house.
We live between your job and mine.
You take an active role in your daughter's life.
We do more as a family.
You say goodbye to your youth and grow up.

I tell him to think on my list of demands and sleep on it. I am serious and will not be easily talked into reuniting with him.
He "says" he will do what ever I want, what ever it takes, he will do it.

My sister and brother in law plead with me to come to my senses. All I have ever wanted in my life is to get married, have children, own a home in the country with a couple of big dogs and be happy with just that. A simple life.

I will see what the week brings. For now at least he says he misses us and that makes me feel good.

Now let me figure this all out.
Love, Galoshes

Setting Boundaries

Image By:buckscountyframes

September 1992


Dear MaryJanes,

Considering you are only 9 years old, you seem to have a grasp on who you are and what you want in life. You are mature for your age and this is a good and a bad thing all rolled up into one little ball. I don't want you to miss out on being a kid, yet I want you to learn to be accountable for your actions.
You have earned many freedoms and continue to earn more as you prove to be very responsible. Rarely, do you give me any reason to use a harsh tone.
I have been strict with you. I hope that when you are grown you can look back and know that I am strict now so that you learn the rules I set in place for you and in turn earn freedoms. Some times parents find it easier to give in to the wants and wishes of their children. They let them get away with more than they ought to. I think that it might be easier to show you the rules and boundaries and then you learn good habits. Time will tell I suppose. For now, I go with the thought of, "here are my rules, follow them, be rewarded with making choices on your own = happy mom!"
So far it works. Make sure when you are older you tell me how it worked for you.
P.S. After you get married and have your own child, you get to make up the rules.

Now Go Outside And Play!
Love, Galoshes

There's You & There's Me

Image By: Shehitpausestudios

June, 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

I love it when we take a drive and turn the music up loud. We sing along to the songs we know and it's interesting to find out what songs you enjoy. You are better than me when it comes to knowing all of the words to the songs. I hum in between the parts that I don't know.
Somethings to note about you so that you can read this letter someday and say, "Oh yeah, I remember that."
1: You like to switch up your hair styles regularly. { I like to keep mine long and straight }
2: You like to debate, and hold your own when it comes to most topics. { I stumble on my own words}
3: You are good in math and don't care for history. { I am poor at math and like history }
4: You don't like to stick out in a crowd, you prefer to observe. { I tend to be opinionated, and tend to stick out }
5: You are serious. { I am silly }
6: You like to go shopping. { I dread it }
7: You have expensive taste. { I like a bargain }
8: You are somewhat shy and get upset with me when I try to encourage you to venture out. { I venture }
9: You find boys annoying and immature for the most part. { I point out the boys that I think are nice }
10: You want to move to a big city when you grow up. { I will always live in the country }

So there you have it, and through all of our differences, we can still jump in the car, flip on the radio and sing at the top of our lungs...........I love that!

Now Sing Loud and Clear!
Love, Galoshes