From MJ 6/22

Becky and MaryJanes modeling (just some of) the gear we had to march with

Galoshes,

I just got 3 of your letters. I don't have to have push-ups for the address and although you did have the address wrong, I still got it. I started to cry in front of everyone when I read how you cry. I miss you so much. This place is alright. I'm really excited to come home.

So dad bought a fourth air plane? How many people does it hold? I wish someone would come get me right now. This isn't worth it.


MaryJanes

(in the same letter)
June 23, 2000
Hey mom,
I'm in bed again. I have fire guard tonight which will give me more time to write, but I miss you so much I can't sleep.

How did you get pulled into planning the shower. Tell David and Kari that I wish I could be there, Kari will make a beautiful bride.

Ryan doesn't really have a pot problem, but he does smoke it. I guess it's better that he does that than some of the other drugs those guys have gotten into.

I feel like I have been gone forever. But I guess tomorrow will be 20 days since I left home. But basic training time has only been 2 and a half weeks.

I do get to see Holly quite a bit. We shined boots together, still go to church together. Becky and I have become good friends although Holly and I click better.

People here are dropping like flies. I found out today that despite my original thoughts we were put in the hardest, strictest company at Fort Jackson. I knew the infantry division was tough, but compared to the other companies where they do what they want basically when they want, we have it so strict.

Yesterday the drill sergeants came into our barracks and tore apart beds and lockers. My locker had a lock on it so it was in tact and surprisingly my bed was one of the 4 not torn apart.

Today we started with the M16A2 rifle. We took it apart, put it together, learned motions with it. We are going to go to the range next week. I was the fastest female taking mine apart. Second fastest putting it together because I got ahead of myself and had to undo half of it.

Tomorrow we start bayonet training, the old gun/sword things. I don't know why but they feel we need to know how to use them.

That's cool that Jenn might come down here with you. Renting a car sounds good to me. Then maybe I can see some of this state since I've always wanted to visit it. Plus then we can have music which I miss so much.

I'm excited to see if Rusty missed me when I get home. I remember when Bear would be so happy to see me after I was gone a few days.

My drill sergeant (the nice one) looks so much like David (my cousin) it's scary. But he is more Native American than David is. But he reminds me a lot of him.

I'm glad to hear your drugs (st. Johns wort) are helping you cope. Although I am not missing or being molested by a 53 year old man I was warned by my drill sergeant that some other drill sergeants in the other companies are trying to and have been sleeping with privates.

That sample of 5th avenue Elizabeth Arden perfume was so good! It was nice to smell something other than sweat and cleaning supplies.

I haven't lost any noticeable weight yet I don't think. I hope I do or I will be so disappointed.

I got 5 letters from you today. You have no idea how much they help me. Getting mail every day is very important. You should be getting a letter every day from me, I write just about every night. But I'm going to sleep a little before fireguard. I will write then....

Man I love being woken up in the middle of the night to sit in a desk for an hour and a half watching everyone else sleeps.

Johnson, the girl I have to freaking baby sit, is on fire guard with me. I had to wake her up 3 times, the last time being rude, to get her to get up and change. Yesterday I had to dress her, do her hair, and make her bed. what a pain. She can be such an airhead when it comes to common sense too.

I miss driving so much. I can't wait to get my car back. We have to run today. When we tested on the 2 mile run to see what group we are in I got the D group. My drill sergeant wasn't very happy, there is like 10 of us in that group and he said we all have to be in C group by 2 and a half weeks.

I'm so hungry. I can't stand having 2-3 minutes to eat. We shovel everything in so fast you can't even tell your full until ten minutes later. Then your only full for like a half an hour and your hungry again.

A huge cockroach just ran across the floor. NASTY! Johnson is trying to kill it by dropping a flip flop on it but it's a little faster than she is.

Yes I remember the Coyote Ugly movie preview. I can't wait to see it. I felt like going to a movie so much yesterday.

You have some interesting stamps. Every day people ask to look at them because there is always something funny. Some people who haven't gotten one letter yet have requested that you adopt them or ask if they can write to you. But I know I'm the only one special enough to have the worlds greatest mother and the others here just have to realize that :)

The one thing I do like here is they constantly tell us that we are adults and need to act like it, which I personally do, but that if we are grown enough to join the army we are adults. It's a nice change from my high school teachers.

I miss Marvin too (the cat). he was always in my room with me, even though sometimes he got in the way.

Tommy hasn't written me yet. But I had to mail him my address so he may have just gotten it.

I'm pretty sure I mailed it to Lee'Ann (my best friend at the time), but not positive so I guess if she called you for it she hasn't gotten it yet. But I have half a letter around here somewhere waiting to be finished to her so it might be in that one.

I have to do my socks and underwear laundry on Sunday. I haven't gotten a chance yet because of church, but I'm going to keep going to church here so I will just have to find time. I have lots of clean undies yet, but I need to wash my white socks.

They never gave us phone rights on father's day. I thought that was pretty shitty but I guess there's not much I can do about it. Hopefully I will get to call tomorrow. The mean drill sergeants going until Tuesday so maybe.

I'm so hungry! They make everyone with packages open them in front of everyone so we don't get anything we aren't supposed to have. You should mail me socks with snickers inside them. No, I'm just kidding. It sounds so good though!

We have the best muffins at breakfast. It's the thing I will miss about this hell hole. They are Sarah Lee premium bran muffins. They are SO good. I crave them allot here.

You should see me polish my boots, what a mess. I get polish all over myself. But I can get them pretty shiny.

Well I have cleaning to do so I will see you tomorrow.

Love always and forever
Maryjanes

P.S. nick names I have acquired-
Dairy Princess- the guys in my platoon
TJ- same
JJ- My drill sergeant
Swiss Miss (like the girl on the hot chocolate packages)- the Lieutenant

P.P.S. Did I tell you I miss you? Well I do, a ton.

PPPS I love you!

PPPPS I want to come home :(

PPPPPS I'll be fine.

KEEP WRITING!

From MJ 6/21

Becky, Holly, MaryJanes

Dear Mom,
I have found that it is easier to go to the bathroom to write where the lights are always on then try to juggle my flashlight and hold my covers up.

Victory Tower was lots of fun. I'm good at repelling. Johnson is afraid of heights and started to cry, but I managed to talk her through it.

I got another card from you today. Please try and write every day, I look forward to mail call. I haven't really written anyone but you since I got to real basic. The only time I have is my sleep time so I wait until Sundays to write others.

Tomorrow we do map reading and will be marching all day with ruck sacks on our backs and things strapped to our waists, fun.

I'm not sure if I told you yesterday or not, but graduation will be the 17th. They aren't changing it . If we get done early they will just give us more personal time.

It's weird to think that everyone else is going on with their lives while I'm here. I don't even think ahead while I'm here. I'm like a robot. Half the time my brains are not even functioning, which sound weird, but it's hard to explain.

I think AIT will be fun next summer because I get every night off and there are clubs by Fort Meed and I hear you get single rooms and only have to share the kitchen and bathroom. But I don't think I get a kitchen, I won't need one. I guess it's a really nice base.

Thanks again for the pics, I had never seen the baby one of me and you. I cried and smiled. ♥ you so much

Miss you

MaryJanes

From MJ 6/20

Mom,
Hey! We are in a personal hygiene class right now. yeah, like we get any time to maintain good personal hygiene. The boys get an hour and we get 15-20 minutes with 64 girls and 8 showers.

Graduation is back on schedule again.

Becky, ?, Johnson, MaryJanes, Hening

When you come on parents day I need you to bring me some things, but I just drew a blank as to what they were. But I will need you to bring me make up when you come to get me on graduation day (not parent's day).

I haven't gotten your letters yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

Today I got yelled at by the mean drill sergeant about not being with my buddy for chow, which was because we separate the line by active national guard and reserves and she's active so we aren't together. Anyway the mean one got mad and yelled at me. But when we left the nice one stopped us and was like telling Johnson how they aren't trying to pick on us but she looked like shit when she got here with the uniform all wrong and all this stuff and since me, she has improved a lot. Then when she went away he said how he chose me not only because of our last names, but because I seemed like I had myself pretty well put together and that I would be a good role model. When he originally asked me if I knew why he was doing this to me and I said to build team work, but I was happy to hear it was because I looked to be a good future soldier. Even if I didn't spell it right, which I'm not sure of :)

Later that day......

I'm under my covers with my flash light writing to you. I did end up getting your mail today, and a letter from grandma Greene. She didn't give me her address to write her back, but please tell her I really appreciate hearing from her. I think of her and love her lots.

Thanks for my pictures. Ryan is such a cutie, I miss him. But I like Tommy more and I think you'll like him a lot too. Plus he looks just like Ryan, but cuter.

I'm glad my grades pulled up. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was having emotional problems, to be honest, for a while I think I was emotionally unstable. But I will get it together. The way you wrote your letters, like going through your basic day, was a good way to do it.

I remembered one thing I need on parent's day, hair dye, mascara too. I don't know if I will be able to get away with mascara, but I wasn't to try. I know I can dye my hair though. Lightest Natural Blond. I want a snickers bar so bad. They serve desert here, but I don't take it because the drill sergeants rag on those who do. But I guess when I have to drop every time Johnson does I will just burn off as much as she does even though she has desert.

MaryJanes with Tim, who was also from Wisconsin

We are MRE's (meals ready to eat) this morning after hand to hand combat training. NASTY! I got ham in natural juices, rice, crackers, cheese, and a pound cake, it all tasted like cardboard. Some people got good stuff like ravioli and skittles, but I think we are eating them again tomorrow so maybe then I will get a good one.

My period got all messed up being here. It rained a few days which is nice. I drink so much water I pee clear.

We have a lot of classes during the day which keeps us out of the sun. It's hard to stay awake in them though.

But I will write tomorrow about victory tower. I'm tired, tell everyone I ♥ them.

I love you so much and think of you constantly. Your the BEST mom ever.

♥MaryJanes

From MJ 6/18

MaryJanes on far right. Johnson upside down next to me.

Hey mom,
I'm on fire guard again. I miss you so much. I'll probably get your letters Monday or Tuesday hopefully.

Did I tell you that there is another Johnson in my platoon who the drill sergeants think I should adopt? Well she's always messing something up or having her hair/uniform wrong so she has to push (do push ups). Well since she didn't seem to be learning the drill Sargent thought we should be sisters and I should drop with her. She drops a lot. I did so many push-ups on kitchen patrol yesterday because I was busy doing stuff and she got caught with her hands in her pockets. So now I'm not allowed to let her out of my sight. She's cool though. We have the strangest feeling that we know each other from somewhere but she lives in Tennessee. it's a weird feeling though.

Somethings wrong with my big left toe. It hurts and I looked at it but it looks fine. I don't know. I'm not going on sick call until I can't walk though.

We have to run 2 miles on Monday to determine what group we are in so they can help us improve. I'm going to try real hard, but 2 miles! I've never done that. And 1 mile seems like forever.

I see Holly every once and a while. We usually have at least one classroom thing a day and she's there. We are going to church today. We have the choice of sleeping until 0700 or getting up an hour and a half earlier to go to church. Se we are going. Becky, Holly and I have decided to join the choir too.

Do you think Grandpa and Grandma Johnson will come down for graduation?

You know how I told you about the push-ups and pull-ups after dinner. well when we do pull-ups they let us have someone hold our feet, well I showed the girls that all we really need to do is use our feet against our buddy's stomach to get us up! It works. I can do 10 no problem. But I put enough weight on my arms to work them out otherwise I would be just wasting time.

I may have told you, but we get to go to Victory Tower on Friday. It's the big jungle gym with the ropes and repelling and climbing.

I can't wait to graduate. I'm so afraid I won't make it. Like I'm going to fail my PT test or something. Some of the girls say they can't not graduate for it, but I think you have to pass to graduate. I can't wait to see you!

I feel like I'm coming home next week. I've only been gone 14 days. I would only have 7 weeks left of basic if we hadn't have had to go to reception and all that crap.

My waist is getting a little smaller. We haven't done much yet but all the sweating does it.
I don't know what's going on with my pay but they made us use $315 credit from our first pay for crap they feel we need. We have to set up our drawers for display. How dumb is that.

I can understand why we roll all our clothes, but displaying our toothbrush and soap? Oh well.

That's all that's really going on here. The days go by fast and they'll only get faster. I can't believe that there are more girls than guys here and all the guys seem to be going nuts over me. And I have no make-up, hair thrown up, and baggy uniforms. it's kinda funny.

I get to take a long shower as soon as Johnson gets back. Since we are pulling guard together we decided we would take turns showering.

Well I'm going to go now. I'm so tired, I wish I could go back to bed. I will in like an hour though.

♥MaryJanes

From MJ 6-18

Image By: buckscountyframes

Mom,
Hello. I'm scared mom. I don't want to be here. Sure the people are real nice and the drill sergeants are just doing their jobs, things aren't right here. We are not allowed enough time for everyone to shower, the girls are always bitching at each other, I get dropped every time Johnson messes up, I had to ask a question because I didn't understand some directions and I was told to get out of the drill sergeants face before he kills me. I cried in church today praying to get through this. We haven't ran at all since we got here and all of a sudden tomorrow we have to run 2 miles timed. They are taking a ton of $ out of my paycheck that they didn't tell us about, $50 some a month for laundry whether we send it in or not, $315 for supplies, and now I guess we might have our graduation date changed again to a few days earlier. I just want to come home. I know how proud I would be if I made it, but right now I feel abused. I'm dirty and confused, lied to, not given toilet paper. I was tempted to call you in the middle of the night and ask you to call and say a grandmother had died and I needed to come home that day and then found a way for me to stay home, which isn't that hard since I'm 17.

Some people here are sick in the head I swear it. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, not all fun, but I feel abused. I will be so happy when I get out of here. Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life. I can't stop crying tonight. I want to come home so bad despite how proud I would feel to graduate. This is over the edge. Human decency is questionable here.

But I have to get to sleep yet again the familiar sounds of ambulances and girls telling stories of being cornered and yelled at being told around me.

♥ Always,
MaryJanes

Miss you! Kisses

From MJ 6/15

Image by: warmwhispers

5-Minute timed letter

MaryJanes
Aco. 3-13 Inf. Regt 3rd Platoon
Ft.Jackson, Sc

Mom,
I'm doing good. Earlier when I cried on the phone it was just because I was happy to hear your voice and I miss you tons.

I'm going to do well here but we haven't showered for 2 days and the time limits they give us can be impossible.

Lots of nice people, face is breaking out because of no wash time. Got separated from Holly but Becky is with me and from Wisconsin also.

Call everyone (family) with address if you haven't already. I love you so much and am going to do my best to make you proud.

Tell everyone I love them and say hi to Mike. when I get home things will be different. On Mondays before you and I go out we will all have dinner as a family.

Love you
Always and Forever
MaryJanes

From MJ June 8th

Image by:Raceytay

Hey Galoshes,
Well right now it's 2300 hours, 11p.m. I have fire guard so I have to sit at the door with another girl and check up on everyone every half an hour. I don't mind though because I have first shift (11-1am) and I'm wide awake. Plus this gives me more time to write. People get caught in reception for up to two weeks and may not have time to finish basic this summer. I hope real hard that we have time to finish. I will let you know as soon as I find out when it will be.

I'm catching an accent really bad. Holly's (a girl I met on the way to basic who was also from WI but talked funny) trying to get it out of me though. We never thought we would be looking forward to basic, but compared to this unorganized mess they call registration it's going to be nice. I ate so much food here. Tomorrow after I pass my PT (physical training) test that says I can go to basic I'm going to eat up because I hear they don't give much food at basic. That's good though, I will never lose an ounce eating like this!

So we are supposed to be done with this tomorrow. Off to basic we go. But something tells me we won't get there until Saturday.

I miss you so much, but in a good way. This is really going to be good for me. I just have to be strong. In fact I find myself supporting those who want to go home. I just keep thinking that #1 I'm at summer camp and #2 I will be home any day. Adam, a guy in my unit in Madison, told me I have to pretend like I will be home the next day. When he said it I didn't think it would be possible, but now I just do it automatically. Holly is helping me so much! She has given me a different perspective on the attitude to have at basic. She has the kind of attitude that if someone tells her she can't do something she wants to do it more. She doesn't get mad or frustrated she just laughs it off.

I have to go mom, the guard duty times got messed up and I guess I was supposed to be from 9-11 so I'm done.

I will write you ASAP

♥Always
MaryJanes

P.S. I'm going to do really good.
I just have to play their game.
Don't worry about me!
I Love You!

From MJ June 8

Image by:Raceytay

Galoshes,
Hey. Today is going so slow. We got our new ID cards and a pay advance today and tomorrow we will be going to the store to get anything else we need. They better let us use the stuff that they told us to bring.

I told you my graduation day might change right? It depends on when we get out of this processing stage. We got some free time today though so it's not that bad. Everyone is sitting around bitching. We have some of the bitchiest girls in our platoon. Holly and I are convinced we will hate everyone but each other by the time we get out of here. I hope we are in the same basic training platoon because she is really helping me through this.

Tell Mike and everyone I say hi. I miss my puppies.

I will get you the address when I get it but we gotta go to formation right now. I love you endlessly.

Always and Forever,
MaryJanes

From MJ June 7th

Image by: Raceytay

Dear Galoshes,
We got to registration yesterday. It's at Fort Jackson but it doesn't count as basic training time yet. I guess we're going to be here for like a week and a half. So graduation may be pushed back. I guess I will find out for sure about two weeks into basic.

I really wished I would have gone home while I could have. I know I will be glad when I get back that I went. We have an older woman in our company/platoon that had to come back to basic to get back into active army because she stayed out 2 moths to late. So she has been kind of motivational, but at times she's more of a hassle.

We were supposed to be able to call our parents yesterday because they don't want our parents to call here, but they haven't let us yet.

Some of the girls are doing crazy things to get out of here. I guess one slammed her hand in the door and broke some fingers, one knocked herself out, all kinds of stuff.

Well I have to mail this now, we don't get much time here. I guess I should be able to call you tonight.

♥ You!
I miss you tons

Always and Forever
MaryJanes

From MJ June 6

Image by: selenavallejo

Hey Galoshes,
I have been sitting at MEPS for 4.5 hours now. I guess we are going to the airport around noon, but my flight doesn't leave until 5 tonight. I talked to Lily this morning. I guess the rumor about having to dye your hair is wrong. I talked to a girl who went to Jackson last summer. She said the drill sergeants are more like your friends, so I'm pretending I'm going to summer camp. She ended up having to go home though because she was over weight. She had slit option like me and was on her way to AIT. When they check our weight if we are over in pounds then they do a tape test and I had to get taped so when I was done and I passed I had to go to the guard office to get my orders and it was written down that I had to get a tape test. The guy was like "you had to get a tape test? YOU!" Then he said that the lady giving it to me must have just been insecure. I thought it was funny because I hate having to get tape instead of just being able to jump on the scale.

Image by:buckscountyframes

Well I'm going to write others now so talk to you later.

Love,
MaryJanes

From MJ June 5

Image by: selenavallejo

Dear Galoshes,
I have only been on the bus for 10 minutes and I already miss you. I could see that you were being strong at the bus station. I know you wanted to cry harder. But I also know that if you had I would have never gotten on the bus. I'll be fine. I know I will. I'll be back before you know it.

I hate buses. The kid next to me keeps talking about how all his friends die so he doesn't like to make friends. It's sad, but I'm being to selfish about leaving home to care so it's a good thing he's not talking to me.

I want to come home. Someone please shut that kid up. He's now rambling stories about animal cruelty. To bad Lily's (my best friend at the time) not here. She'd put him in his place.

When we were sitting in the bus stop and you were getting water, dad was telling me how his head and stomach hurt and he didn't know it was going to be so hard. I'm going to take a nap, but I will talk to you again later. ♥ya!

Hey mom, It's 11p.m., I'm in my hotel room. My room mate's asleep, she wasn't very social so she didn't hang out with the guys and me. I love my soap. My hair is braided and my nails are as short as possible, I'm all ready to go. I forgot to call Lily, but I'll be up way before she goes to school so I can get a hold of her then. She leaves on Thursday.

There are lots of rumors going around about basic (training). One of the guys said we aren't aloud to write or receive mail for a month, I don't believe that. I'm pretty sure they make us write home as soon as we get there.

Make sure you give the dogs extra loves for me. I miss my rusty baby. I also heard that we have to dye our hair to it's natural color. I hope not! The sun will bleach it so hopefully I won't have to worry about it.

I don't know if I will be able to move to California anymore (I had dreams of going to University of Southern California). I don't think I could leave you again. Next summer when I go to AIT you and Mike will have to plan a vacation to Maryland because I get weekends off.

Tommy's (my boyfriend at the time) dad's in the army national guard. I guess every male in his family, and there are a lot, have gone into some branch of the military. So when I meet them, if I meet them, I will fit right in. Tommy's not going though. He's a good guy, you'd like him. He looks a LOT like Ryan (the boy my mom thought I would marry).

Image by: selenavallejo

When I looked at myself in the mirror tonight it felt like I was seeing a reflection of someone else. I don't know how to explain it, but it was weird. Well, I'm going to try and sleep now. I have a long day ahead of me and it starts at four.  The guys and I decided we are going to get ourselves pumped up on the plane so it should be a fun flight.  But knowing me I will probably just be writing letters.

Love you SO much!
MaryJanes
~mommy's little girl~

Yo-Yo

Image by: sixthandmain


Dear Galoshes,

A small round plastic toy with a string that pulls it up and down when pressure is applied. My father is that string applying pressure and you are that small plastic toy that drags me along with you. Always trying to break away, just to be yanked back in again.

I wish I could cut that string, burn it, then bury it far far away. We could go anywhere, be anything we wanted to be, the two of us. We would be so much happier without him. You want so desperately for him not to make the mistakes your own father did, for me to have a father unlike yourself, but he just isn't that person. He will NEVER BE that person. But it will be a long, bumpy, road before you realize this.

He is an addict. Alcohol is his drug of choice. Even at times when he is alone with me, responsible for keeping me safe, I find myself caring for him in a drunken stupor. I find it funny that someone who thinks of himself so highly and belittles others so easily puts himself in a position that a child has to care for him, for he is too drunk to do it himself.

Run, please, run and do not look back.

Love,
MaryJanes

April 1989

Drive Fast, Take Chances

 Image by ISPhotography

Dear Galoshes,
"Drive Fast, Take Chances" A quote I remember being used regularly by my father. The man who claims to be invincible turns out to be just that.  And motorcycle racing, not the last of his wild, dangerous, expensive hobbies.  I will be taught to "drive hard" and luckily it's in my blood to be a skilled driver.   I certainly don't have his fearless mentality.  I often let off the gas just before any chances are taken.  At least for now everyone is still on the ground! Wait until he takes it to the sky.

Love,
MaryJanes

Childhood memories

Image by Ivy's World

Dear Galoshes,
Most all of my childhood memories will be of visiting with Grandma and Grandpa Johnson. I very much enjoy the time I am able to spend at their house. I am very attached to the little tins and what-nots Grandma has for me to bake with. We make lots of delicious cookies and pies, cut fresh rhubarb from her garden then eat it raw dipped in sugar. I put on her favorite music just so she will dance around the kitchen to me, it's quite amusing and makes me feel good to see her dance in her apron and socks.

Every day when I wake up from spending the night at her house I hear the sounds of Grandpa whistling and the smell of toast and English muffins in the toaster. It is quite different from waking up at home. At home I listen for my father to leave for the day before I get out of my bed, I dread the weekends as it means he will be around regardless of how long I stay in the safety of my bedroom. At the Johnson's I'm quick to jump out of bed and give grandpa a hug and smile. He is always so happy to see me and grandma offers me a choice of breads from the toaster with my favorite home made jams or cinnamon sugar. What I would give to have one of those mornings back again.

Love,
MaryJanes

Recordings of the past

 Image by She Hit Pause Studios

Dear Galoshes,
One of my favorite things are those tapes of the two of us chattering.  Although I do not wear dresses much I'm sorry to say the girly girl thing is NOT a phase.  I will never enjoy getting dirty, hiking, or nature much.  I love to look at nature, but don't care much to be a PART of it.  I LOVE to read.  I must get that from your mother, although I do enjoy your made up stories. I will always be quite serious as well. We are pretty different in almost every way, yet we will always be the best of friends (even when you start telling me how to raise my kids, which will prove to be the test of our relationship).  The art however does stick and I will always enjoy creating things, this we will always have in common. 

Love,
MaryJanes

Alternate Ending

Image by Jen Kiaba photography

Dear Galoshes,
Reading this now I vaguely recall this gesture of raising a pinky as a sign of love. Funny to know now where it came from. My memory of it had to be from you and my father. How I wish that it could have been Bill instead. I remember many times asking about your past loves, before dad, and being told of Bill and how smitten he was with you. But I was never told that you had given it another shot after I had joined your life. Obviously, I was too young to create memories of him myself. I wish he had worked out for you. I wish you could have felt for him what he did for you. I wish you could have had some stability and support in your life. Maybe I could have avoided my daddy issues and had a normal healthy relationship with an adult male had he been in our lives.

I think it strange that you could not bring yourself to find happiness with him, a man who loved and cared for you, yet you tried so hard to find happiness with my father who was selfish and hurtful. I find in life that I am rarely lead by my heart and always make decisions with my mind. Perhaps this is why.

Image by MFAYRE Photography

Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe I'm delusional, but although I can recall what my childhood was actually like, the yelling and drinking by my father, I believe I had a good childhood. You see, you were MY stability and support in life. You were my constant, and although you didn't always provide a consistent environment, your love and devotion to me was rock solid. Maybe Bill could have done the same thing for you. Though if he had, we would not be the same people we are today and our story as we know it would cease to be.

Love,
MaryJanes

Past and Present

Image By: Karcharz Photography

April 1984,

Dear MaryJanes,

I believe in the foundation of an old fashion marriage, marry and stay married. Your father has made this moral of mine very challenging to abide by. He will not for the life of me, or you for that matter, GROW UP! I have been attracted to the wrong kind of guys all of my life. I credit this flaw to my father. They say you marry a man that is similar to your own father. GOOD GRIEF, what is wrong with me? I despise everything about my father. Will you do the same? Will you want to date guys that are wild and sexist? {Note to self, have conversation with MaryJanes regarding good guys and bad guys when she turns 3, and drill this into her every year until she marries}

Our apartment is not in the best of locations, but it is what I can afford with your father's $100.00 per month child support that I agreed to. {stupid, stupid woman!} It's a one bedroom so your crib is close to my bed, I love to lay there and watch you sleep. I will go without a phone, I suppose there are plenty of neighboring doors that I could knock on in the event of an emergency. A phone is just an added expense that I can not afford at this time. Your father has rented from a couple that have a house with a mother-in-law quarters, and yes, he has a phone. He can afford this luxury on his $27,000.00 income.
I have gotten back in contact with a friend from my previous pointless job. She was glad to hear from me and that made me feel really good. She stood up for me in my wedding and we slowly lost contact after that. She is not a fan of your father, and was thrilled to hear that I separated from him. She loves to go out and hear music and dance. I don't much care for the smoky bars and how loud it is, but I do love to dance. It feels good to have someone to talk to and laugh with, I have missed that.
I am so glad that during the week you have friends to play with. You seem to take a leadership role, even with the children that are older than you. I set up play stations for you and the others to play. I build forts with blankets and we collect the dolls to put ny-nite inside of it. I try to show you and encourage you to use imagination play, I hope that you maintain this skill through out life. It's a good thing to be able to use your imagination! Sometimes when we are at home and I turn the music on, you and I dance. I have noticed that you actually have really good rhythm especially for just be a little over a year old. This is one of my very favorite things to do....just turn up the music and we dance. You smile and giggle and in those moments everything in my world is flawless.

Image by Alice B Gardens

I wonder what you think about being in a new place? You are used to not having your father around, but now you rarely see him. This is so unfair to you. I question myself several times, Am I doing the right thing? All I can do is to create distance from him to see how he reacts. Will he miss us enough to try to make a change? Will he step up and become the man that you need him to be as a father and that I need him to be as a husband? Can he change? If he could just see that family is the most important thing that life has to offer, maybe he would then just try. But for now, I will look around and see if there might be other doors that open. I don't like being without a man in my life, I never have. For this reason it doesn't surprise me when I drive to a phone booth and scroll my fingers down the pages of small, black text. Will he be listed under William or Bill? I find my answer, William, my first "love" and the guy that was not like any of the other boys in my life. William was sweet, kind and everything a girl should look for when dating. He treated me like I was the most important person on earth, but I got bored, and tossed him aside for a California beach bum. I drop my coins into the slot, and I dial the number that my finger is pointing to. What will I say? Why am I calling? I hear a familiar voice on the line, and a gush of emotions runs through me. Guilt weighs the heaviest to me, I never do well with the feeling of guilt. "Bill......?" I ask. I hear him breathing, he knows it is me. It has been four years, and he still knows that it is me. "Lisa?" he replies. What Am I doing to this poor guy? He is in the past and I should leave the past alone. I can see no good to come of this, yet here I am, ripping an old band-aide off of his heart.

Now Just Pretend.

Love,
Galoshes

Toys break

Image by Bucks Country Frames

Dear Galoshes,
Your instinctive mothering skills and child like imagination will prove to be what saves me from needing serious therapy when I grow older. Years from now a man asks me what the first Christmas gift I can remember getting was, I recall something from when I was twelve years old. He then asks me what my first family vacation was and I recall details of camping and adventures with you starting around age four. You see, toys break, kids grow tired and bored of them, but memories last a lifetime.

Love Always,
MaryJanes

Comforting

Image by Alicia Bock

December 18th, 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

We've been having to leave for work a little earlier lately to allow for the conditions of the snow covered roads. I see all of the beautiful toys that the couple I am working for are buying for their three children. They have wrapped them up so pretty and spared no expense to the amount of ribbon and bows that adorn those packages. It's a conflict on my mind not to envy their situation as I know that I have you with me all day long and their careers not only interfere with their daytime hours, but also includes night time meeting obligations as well. I know in my heart that the best gifts that I can give you are my time and love. Even with this knowledge, I would love to spoil you for Christmas with an armload of brand new toys. I have been thrifty with my shopping and tried to spread it out over the last few months. I scan the second hand shops for suitable toddler gifts. I know that you are too young to know any different, but I know. If your father would just release his grip around his wallet, I could buy you something new, something special that was meant for just you. I don't ask for his contribution towards the upcoming holiday, and he does not offer. So it will be what it is to be, thrifty and creative.
I am certain that others in the family will be giving you new toys, and I am so grateful for that. I hate to see you go with out.
I think about a time when I was very young, it's a memory that my sister tells me is one she can never seem to erase from her mind. She tells me that I had very long braids in my hair and chubby little checks, just like you have. We were at my grandparents house for a Christmas get together of my fathers side of the family. All of my cousins were there, I was the third youngest and my sister was the oldest of the cousins. We lived further away from our grandparents then the other cousins and this led to favoritism on my grandmother's part. It was most noticeable when all of the aunts and other girl cousins received bath robes, hand made from big fluffy towels. My grandmother had made them and boasted about how much she loved her own. I sat anxiously for my turn to receive mine. I was about 5 at the time, and didn't understand why my robe had not been handed to me yet. I turned to my big sister, Kim and asked her the question, "Where is my special made robe?" My sister tells me that this broke her heart. She knew that she and I were not receiving those special robes. She understood, even at the age of 11, that she and I were not favored like the other girls, and only special girls got those fluffy robes. She would never forgive our grandmother for not making me a robe like the others received. She did not care that she, herself did not get one, she just couldn't bare the sadness in my eyes of being left out. That's the kind of big sister she always was, putting my feelings ahead of her own.

Image by Jen Kiaba Photography

I suppose now I can better understand what she must have felt. When you become a mother some day, you will want the best for your children too. And on the occasions that they feel left out, your heart will break as you look into their eyes. This is one of those days for me. I can not imagine a much worse feeling than not be able to provide your child with the things that you feel they are worthy of. I will make sure that you feel my love and that I give you a sense of comfort that no toy could ever provide. I hope when you grow up, you know that I am doing the best for you that I know how. I just hope it is good enough. Now stay close by.

Love, Galoshes