Old Habits

Image by irenesuchocki

April 1984

Dear MaryJanes,

When I called my old "love" I never expected that he would say, "Where are you, I will be right there." Even when I have broken his heart, married and then gave birth to another man's child, he still wanted to see me. He was there within the hour, and you took to him instantly. He has a gentle nature and I think you must have sensed that. It was awkward, I wanted to explain how selfish I had been and to tell him how sorry I was for what I put him through, but he did not want to hear that. He told me that all that mattered was that I had called and he hoped he had a chance to step back into my life, our lives. He is so sweet, but I don't know that I feel the same for him as he feels for me. I wish I could muster something up, I just feel bad for him. He never married, he told me he still loved me and would never love another. How can I walk away from this man?
Why is it that I miss you father right now? Right at this very minute when this handsome man with a promising future is offering his love for me and to help raise you. And all I can do is think about why your father does not love me like this. In truth, I am in love with the idea of what I hope your father could become. His father is such a wonderful person, a good soul and someone with integrity. It is my hopes that some day your father will turn into the same kind, gentle man that your grandfather is......someday it's bound to happen.

Image by mfayrephotography

Bill stays and visits for a long time and when it is time for him to leave, he asks if I will come and see his folks, he says they still ask about me. I tell him I think that would be nice and then he walks out the door. I watch out my second floor apartment window as he walks to his car. He looks up and then surprises me with a hand signal that we use to give each other as we parted ways. His arm went into the air, and then his pinkie finger was raised with the other fingers clasped shut, our sign for, "I love you." My eyes water and I realize that I have carried this sign over to my relationship with your father. I 'd almost forgotten where is originated from. There it was, slapping me in the face. I will cry tonight, a good long cry, and when I can not muster up another tear, I will close my eyes and sleep.
Now close your eyes and go to sleep.
Love,
Galoshes

Past and Present

Image By: Karcharz Photography

April 1984,

Dear MaryJanes,

I believe in the foundation of an old fashion marriage, marry and stay married. Your father has made this moral of mine very challenging to abide by. He will not for the life of me, or you for that matter, GROW UP! I have been attracted to the wrong kind of guys all of my life. I credit this flaw to my father. They say you marry a man that is similar to your own father. GOOD GRIEF, what is wrong with me? I despise everything about my father. Will you do the same? Will you want to date guys that are wild and sexist? {Note to self, have conversation with MaryJanes regarding good guys and bad guys when she turns 3, and drill this into her every year until she marries}

Our apartment is not in the best of locations, but it is what I can afford with your father's $100.00 per month child support that I agreed to. {stupid, stupid woman!} It's a one bedroom so your crib is close to my bed, I love to lay there and watch you sleep. I will go without a phone, I suppose there are plenty of neighboring doors that I could knock on in the event of an emergency. A phone is just an added expense that I can not afford at this time. Your father has rented from a couple that have a house with a mother-in-law quarters, and yes, he has a phone. He can afford this luxury on his $27,000.00 income.
I have gotten back in contact with a friend from my previous pointless job. She was glad to hear from me and that made me feel really good. She stood up for me in my wedding and we slowly lost contact after that. She is not a fan of your father, and was thrilled to hear that I separated from him. She loves to go out and hear music and dance. I don't much care for the smoky bars and how loud it is, but I do love to dance. It feels good to have someone to talk to and laugh with, I have missed that.
I am so glad that during the week you have friends to play with. You seem to take a leadership role, even with the children that are older than you. I set up play stations for you and the others to play. I build forts with blankets and we collect the dolls to put ny-nite inside of it. I try to show you and encourage you to use imagination play, I hope that you maintain this skill through out life. It's a good thing to be able to use your imagination! Sometimes when we are at home and I turn the music on, you and I dance. I have noticed that you actually have really good rhythm especially for just be a little over a year old. This is one of my very favorite things to do....just turn up the music and we dance. You smile and giggle and in those moments everything in my world is flawless.

Image by Alice B Gardens

I wonder what you think about being in a new place? You are used to not having your father around, but now you rarely see him. This is so unfair to you. I question myself several times, Am I doing the right thing? All I can do is to create distance from him to see how he reacts. Will he miss us enough to try to make a change? Will he step up and become the man that you need him to be as a father and that I need him to be as a husband? Can he change? If he could just see that family is the most important thing that life has to offer, maybe he would then just try. But for now, I will look around and see if there might be other doors that open. I don't like being without a man in my life, I never have. For this reason it doesn't surprise me when I drive to a phone booth and scroll my fingers down the pages of small, black text. Will he be listed under William or Bill? I find my answer, William, my first "love" and the guy that was not like any of the other boys in my life. William was sweet, kind and everything a girl should look for when dating. He treated me like I was the most important person on earth, but I got bored, and tossed him aside for a California beach bum. I drop my coins into the slot, and I dial the number that my finger is pointing to. What will I say? Why am I calling? I hear a familiar voice on the line, and a gush of emotions runs through me. Guilt weighs the heaviest to me, I never do well with the feeling of guilt. "Bill......?" I ask. I hear him breathing, he knows it is me. It has been four years, and he still knows that it is me. "Lisa?" he replies. What Am I doing to this poor guy? He is in the past and I should leave the past alone. I can see no good to come of this, yet here I am, ripping an old band-aide off of his heart.

Now Just Pretend.

Love,
Galoshes

Toys break

Image by Bucks Country Frames

Dear Galoshes,
Your instinctive mothering skills and child like imagination will prove to be what saves me from needing serious therapy when I grow older. Years from now a man asks me what the first Christmas gift I can remember getting was, I recall something from when I was twelve years old. He then asks me what my first family vacation was and I recall details of camping and adventures with you starting around age four. You see, toys break, kids grow tired and bored of them, but memories last a lifetime.

Love Always,
MaryJanes

Comforting

Image by Alicia Bock

December 18th, 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

We've been having to leave for work a little earlier lately to allow for the conditions of the snow covered roads. I see all of the beautiful toys that the couple I am working for are buying for their three children. They have wrapped them up so pretty and spared no expense to the amount of ribbon and bows that adorn those packages. It's a conflict on my mind not to envy their situation as I know that I have you with me all day long and their careers not only interfere with their daytime hours, but also includes night time meeting obligations as well. I know in my heart that the best gifts that I can give you are my time and love. Even with this knowledge, I would love to spoil you for Christmas with an armload of brand new toys. I have been thrifty with my shopping and tried to spread it out over the last few months. I scan the second hand shops for suitable toddler gifts. I know that you are too young to know any different, but I know. If your father would just release his grip around his wallet, I could buy you something new, something special that was meant for just you. I don't ask for his contribution towards the upcoming holiday, and he does not offer. So it will be what it is to be, thrifty and creative.
I am certain that others in the family will be giving you new toys, and I am so grateful for that. I hate to see you go with out.
I think about a time when I was very young, it's a memory that my sister tells me is one she can never seem to erase from her mind. She tells me that I had very long braids in my hair and chubby little checks, just like you have. We were at my grandparents house for a Christmas get together of my fathers side of the family. All of my cousins were there, I was the third youngest and my sister was the oldest of the cousins. We lived further away from our grandparents then the other cousins and this led to favoritism on my grandmother's part. It was most noticeable when all of the aunts and other girl cousins received bath robes, hand made from big fluffy towels. My grandmother had made them and boasted about how much she loved her own. I sat anxiously for my turn to receive mine. I was about 5 at the time, and didn't understand why my robe had not been handed to me yet. I turned to my big sister, Kim and asked her the question, "Where is my special made robe?" My sister tells me that this broke her heart. She knew that she and I were not receiving those special robes. She understood, even at the age of 11, that she and I were not favored like the other girls, and only special girls got those fluffy robes. She would never forgive our grandmother for not making me a robe like the others received. She did not care that she, herself did not get one, she just couldn't bare the sadness in my eyes of being left out. That's the kind of big sister she always was, putting my feelings ahead of her own.

Image by Jen Kiaba Photography

I suppose now I can better understand what she must have felt. When you become a mother some day, you will want the best for your children too. And on the occasions that they feel left out, your heart will break as you look into their eyes. This is one of those days for me. I can not imagine a much worse feeling than not be able to provide your child with the things that you feel they are worthy of. I will make sure that you feel my love and that I give you a sense of comfort that no toy could ever provide. I hope when you grow up, you know that I am doing the best for you that I know how. I just hope it is good enough. Now stay close by.

Love, Galoshes

Chubby Cheeks

Image by Alicebgardens

September14th, 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

You are eight months old and have the chubbiest little cheeks! Your smile is soft and sweet and your giggle is contagious. You amaze me everyday with how strong and alert you are. I am really good at this whole mother job! Everything seems to come pretty natural to me. You are a really good baby and this makes my job of raising you easier. I did not return to the job that I had before you were born. The thought of leaving you in the care of some one else was too scary for me. I answered an ad requesting a day time nanny and was hired by the family of five. This job allows me to take you to work with me and to have other children for you to play with. The hours are long as we leave the house at 6 am and return home at 6pm. The payoff of knowing what you are doing all day and making sure the foods you eat are fresh and balanced, makes the long day worth it.

My mom had found a second hand crib and she and my father brought it over when the time came that you needed one. I could see that my mom was worried about me, but she is not the type to interfere. She keeps quite and does not share her feelings with me. My father is not fond of children in general, never was. He especially doesn't have time for girls. Boys are superior in his world. In the event that I might actually want to do something, like have a life, I do not ask my mom to watch you. This would put a tension between her and my father. I am 21 years old and I am living the life of someone in their thirties. I have no friends or social life, and even if I did, after I pay my half of expenses and take care of your needs, there is no gas money left to get me any where. On the upside, if there is something about your father, it is that he is entertaining. On the occasions that he and I do go out together, his folks have been wonderful about watching you. You are their first grandchild and they adore you. Our usual choice of entertainment is to hear a live band and to dance. A motorcycle is generally the mode of transportation and there is a side of me that loves the thrill and danger of riding fast. When I am behind your father on the cycle and he is in race mode of 100 mph plus, I have no fear at all and actually get a bit of an adrenaline rush. I suppose it reminds me of being a young girl and racing through the woods with my horse. The faster she went, the happier I was.
I wonder if you will be a dare devil? Now calm down.
Love, Galoshes

Image by irenesuchocki

What's in a name

Image by Sadie Olive

Dear Galoshes,
Little do you know that I despise this name "Heather". I shall begin to beg you for a new name in just three short years. For now I am thankful that at least you did not go with some of the made up names you had on your list, although they are unique, they are certainly not fit for this girl. It will be many years before you finally give into my pleas, but Heather Lee is just not me!

Love,
MaryJanes

Breathe

Image By: Sixth & Main

January 1983


Dear MaryJanes,

I have had no detailed conversations with other women that have delivered babies, so when I am given a paper bag to breathe into, I can only imagine how frustrated the nurses must be with me. They can see that I am not prepared. I have no breathing technique, and I insist that I do no want pain medication. The doctor gets impatient and breaks my water. Why wasn't I consulted on this issue? Isn't that suppose to break naturally when you are ready to arrive? I can honestly say that I am not a huge fan of the traditional medical practice. I would prefer to be in a cabin with a mid wife instead of this sterile room. As it turns out, you are a large baby and it is probably best that I did not get that scenario. I finally am convinced to take something for the pain. I can honestly tell you that I have never used drugs or alcohol, which might be the reason that the pain medication put me right out. I asked if I could just sleep for awhile. I want sleep! We are in the delivery room and the doctor starts to get nervous, I have no energy to continue to push, I can barely keep my eyes open. He has no option other than to get the forceps and help pull you out. You take your first breath and follow up with a well deserved scream. Your father is there, he comments on the delivery, "There is no pee-pee" I interpret this to mean, "Congratulations, Lisa, you have a beautiful baby girl."

You are a beautiful, healthy baby at 9 pounds 1 ounce. I breath a sigh of relief and fall asleep as they take care of your needs. The medication that I was given for pain takes hold of me and I do not remember much right after you were born. I know that at some point they want me to stand up, but I pass out as my feet touch the floor. Next thing I remember is waking up in my room. I am bonded to you the second that I hold you. Everything in my life up until this moment means very little to me. You are my baby and nothing on earth could make me happier. What shall your name be? I ask that question several times.
Your father is rarely at the hospital, he has a cause to celebrate at the bars, and takes full advantage of that. My doctor notices this and grants my wish to stay an extra night in the hospital to get the additional help from the staff while I am there. I have told him that once you and I go home, I am on my own, without any help from anyone. We will be out in the middle of the country with a car that does not have brakes.......still.

On the 5th day, you are finally given a name, it will be Heather-Lee

Image by irenesuchocki

I love you more than my own life. So this is what motherhood feels like!? It is like a natural high. A feeling so calming that I just sit still and watch you breath. I have forgotten all about the morning sickness, it seems like ages ago. I can see that you look just like me, I wonder what your personality will be? Will you be quite and shy? Will you be out spoken and adventurous? So many events to look forward to. I adore you, Heather.
Now just relax.

Love,
Galoshes