Dear MaryJanes

Dear Readers ~ Spring 2011

2011-04-13T09:45:00.010-05:00

Image by: SixthandMain

Dear Readers,
Thank you each for reading along and to those of you that leave your thoughts in a comment form! Sometimes I end up taking on more than I can juggle, ok, so I do this all the time!!! But lately I have taken a bit more into my "Things To Do" list than humanly possible. Something just has to give. So what I am getting to? I need to prioritize my list, and this blog will need to take a little break, so that I can focus on the items to the top of the list and stop feeling guilty that I haven't re typed one of MaryJanes and I's letters. What you might not know is that since MaryJanes and her husband sold their house, they along with their three beautiful, sweet, adorable...lol..ok, you get it, children have moved into a portion of our house. When I say "a portion", by no means envision a big house! They had to be creative when this all took shape. They own a beautiful piece of land, but with this economy, who can afford to build a home while living on one income and raising three children?? { I should note that MJ, does substitute teach and generates what she is able while raising their three children. Along with that she sews them cute outfits, and continually exposes herself to The Arts and teaches herself new crafts and techniques.} You can read all about them on her blog MaryJanesandgaloshes.

I am self employed, as well as my husband is, so we both need self discipline, something I lack! I love it when the little ones knock on the door and I see their excited faces gleaming to see me several times a day..but this does leave me with less time to do the things I need to do. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of the importance of my grandchildren and give them a huge amount of my time every day. Then comes along a chance for MJ's and I to sneak away for a weekend outing....and WE MUST GO...we must plan, pack and travel! She is a great traveling companion! {this weekend we are heading to ChapelByTheSpring to catch up with our friend, Kym as well as have a meeting of the minds for upcoming Creative Outlet Classes we hope to get start hosting. Classes will be full days, even over night options, with catered meals and snacks by Kym, classes taught by MJ and hosted by me.
And if you only knew the other list of creative ideas that we hold in the future...I will need to live to be 127 years old to achieve them all!

I am an antique dealer, and so there is inventory to purchase, clean, tag and then assign and deliver to which ever location that item will suit best. Along with that, I some times get called to drive Amish here and there, which is most always a fun outing as they LOVE thrift shops!! Then on the days that MJ gets called to sub, I take care of the three little ones.
Then each year at this time my husband and I attempt a big garden, and with the price of groceries right now, this year MUST be a success! Then the chicken coop needs to be prepared for a new flock of baby chicks, and then there are the 2 baby goats coming shortly. Next comes Our yearly Fun, Funky, Festive yard sale over Memorial day weekend....this is huge and takes allot of prep time. Add to this.....MJ and I are vending at JunkBonanza this September 15th, 16th & 17th..YEAH!!! Our first time in participating in this huge show...and thanks to Linda Of ItsyBitsandPieces we will be in the Tent Room instead of the Newbies room! {Thanks Linda!}
To the mix, my etsy shop, SommersBreezeAntique needs lisitings...soooo...
I have to put the full hat box of letters away for a spell, and pick them back up when I do a catch up!!!
I do thank you for understanding.

A note to each of you.......
Now Get Outside and Garden!
~Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 23rd

2011-04-05T07:30:00.010-05:00

Image By: SilverHorsePhotography

Sent a cute card.
Outside of card:
Picture of a little girl on the beach letting her big dog share her ice cream cone
Inside Card:
Everything is better when shared with a friend!

Letter inside card:
MJ, Im at leo's waiting for my appointment. I think my roots are nearing 2 inches. I stopped at Grandmas house & it was hard not to tell her about Jenny! Then I stopped at Sam's daycare to give Jenn a congrats card and see her ring. She is so excited & her ring is beautiful. She couldn't stop smiling. By the way - Im sure you'll graduate! Love Mom
PS: I am glad that you have new friends to help you through this!

Dear MaryJanes June 23rd

2011-04-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

Inside Card Reads,
"....but my butt's too big for the mailbox"

I love you, Galoshes.

Friday 6/23 PM

MaryJanes,
I got your letter about being told, "Before I kill you" and it made me extremely mad. I paged Augie to see if the three topics were standard in order to break you down.
#1 No toilet paper
#2 Lack of showers
#3 "Kill you"
He said "No" and that he couldn't do anything about it until Monday, but I was to page him on Monday at 8:30 am. I told him your first letters were the normal, "it's hard, but Im doing my best"but that this letter was different. He said somethings not right there and he will start the process to have it looked into but that the people he would contact are not available till Monday. It will be a damn hard weekend. I called a woman named Jenny that is a friend of Mikes. She was in basic 10 years ago. She hated it and said that she cried every time she called home. Also that she got punched in the mouth by a Sargent {fat lip} They cant do that anymore. If any Sargent punches you , I'll be all over someone! She thinks they can still shove you to the ground?? I told Augie I couldn't tell some one I was going to kill them, and I didn't think they could say that as its illegal for me. I said it shouldn't have been done. Hold On, I m doing what I can to change the conditions. I hate that I can't protect you. I feel like my stomach is being ripped out. Mike is doing his best to comfort me. When you pray, pray for strength to endure. It's not going to get easier mentally or physically but you can pray for strength to get through. I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless.
I saw Erin H. today. I went into the Windsor McDonalds, she was working. I gave her your address and asked her to write you. I asked that Jenny [mikes friend] if she wished someone would have pulled her out of basic. She said When she was there [New Orleans I think} she would have walked home if she could have. But, looking back, she is glad she did it. She did hate it though.She tells everyone to join the air force and to avoid the army. She said they make all kinds of promises and don't follow through. They lie and use you r $ for "things." Don't worry about the money part, sounds like they screw ya with that. I will make sure your car insurance is covered. It will be okay/ Mike is helping Brad load and unload wood at the campground.
I hope my letters help. I hope they give you some sanity in the insane place you are in. "Jenny" said that allot of girls start fighting. WALK AWAY!! Don't fight! Keep your temper in check. Breathe through the temptation to strike back. Close your eyes and think calming thoughts. I will help you through this as best as I can. It's mostly 99% up to you. Think positive. You might need to get tough on the Johnson girl. I am sorry that you have to have that weight to bear! Keep me posted on how you are doing. Jenny said that the lack of TP & showers was all part of bringing you down. I will send TP w/ every letter.
I Love You!
Galoshes

From MJ 6/22

2011-03-29T07:30:00.001-05:00

Becky and MaryJanes modeling (just some of) the gear we had to march with

Galoshes,

I just got 3 of your letters. I don't have to have push-ups for the address and although you did have the address wrong, I still got it. I started to cry in front of everyone when I read how you cry. I miss you so much. This place is alright. I'm really excited to come home.

So dad bought a fourth air plane? How many people does it hold? I wish someone would come get me right now. This isn't worth it.

MaryJanes

(in the same letter)
June 23, 2000
Hey mom,
I'm in bed again. I have fire guard tonight which will give me more time to write, but I miss you so much I can't sleep.

How did you get pulled into planning the shower. Tell David and Kari that I wish I could be there, Kari will make a beautiful bride.

Ryan doesn't really have a pot problem, but he does smoke it. I guess it's better that he does that than some of the other drugs those guys have gotten into.

I feel like I have been gone forever. But I guess tomorrow will be 20 days since I left home. But basic training time has only been 2 and a half weeks.

I do get to see Holly quite a bit. We shined boots together, still go to church together. Becky and I have become good friends although Holly and I click better.

People here are dropping like flies. I found out today that despite my original thoughts we were put in the hardest, strictest company at Fort Jackson. I knew the infantry division was tough, but compared to the other companies where they do what they want basically when they want, we have it so strict.

Yesterday the drill sergeants came into our barracks and tore apart beds and lockers. My locker had a lock on it so it was in tact and surprisingly my bed was one of the 4 not torn apart.

Today we started with the M16A2 rifle. We took it apart, put it together, learned motions with it. We are going to go to the range next week. I was the fastest female taking mine apart. Second fastest putting it together because I got ahead of myself and had to undo half of it.

Tomorrow we start bayonet training, the old gun/sword things. I don't know why but they feel we need to know how to use them.

That's cool that Jenn might come down here with you. Renting a car sounds good to me. Then maybe I can see some of this state since I've always wanted to visit it. Plus then we can have music which I miss so much.

I'm excited to see if Rusty missed me when I get home. I remember when Bear would be so happy to see me after I was gone a few days.

My drill sergeant (the nice one) looks so much like David (my cousin) it's scary. But he is more Native American than David is. But he reminds me a lot of him.

I'm glad to hear your drugs (st. Johns wort) are helping you cope. Although I am not missing or being molested by a 53 year old man I was warned by my drill sergeant that some other drill sergeants in the other companies are trying to and have been sleeping with privates.

That sample of 5th avenue Elizabeth Arden perfume was so good! It was nice to smell something other than sweat and cleaning supplies.

I haven't lost any noticeable weight yet I don't think. I hope I do or I will be so disappointed.

I got 5 letters from you today. You have no idea how much they help me. Getting mail every day is very important. You should be getting a letter every day from me, I write just about every night. But I'm going to sleep a little before fireguard. I will write then....

Man I love being woken up in the middle of the night to sit in a desk for an hour and a half watching everyone else sleeps.

Johnson, the girl I have to freaking baby sit, is on fire guard with me. I had to wake her up 3 times, the last time being rude, to get her to get up and change. Yesterday I had to dress her, do her hair, and make her bed. what a pain. She can be such an airhead when it comes to common sense too.

I miss driving so much. I can't wait to get my car back. We have to run today. When we tested on the 2 mile run to see what group we are in I got the D group. My drill sergeant wasn't very happy, there is like 10 of us in that group and he said we all have to be in C group by 2 and a half weeks.

I'm so hungry. I can't stand having 2-3 minutes to eat. We shovel everything in so fast you can't even tell your full until ten minutes later. Then your only full for like a half an hour and your hungry again.

A huge cockroach just ran across the floor. NASTY! Johnson is trying to kill it by dropping a flip flop on it but it's a little faster than she is.

Yes I remember the Coyote Ugly movie preview. I can't wait to see it. I felt like going to a movie so much yesterday.

You have some interesting stamps. Every day people ask to look at them because there is always something funny. Some people who haven't gotten one letter yet have requested that you adopt them or ask if they can write to you. But I know I'm the only one special enough to have the worlds greatest mother and the others here just have to realize that :)

The one thing I do like here is they constantly tell us that we are adults and need to act like it, which I personally do, but that if we are grown enough to join the army we are adults. It's a nice change from my high school teachers.

I miss Marvin too (the cat). he was always in my room with me, even though sometimes he got in the way.

Tommy hasn't written me yet. But I had to mail him my address so he may have just gotten it.

I'm pretty sure I mailed it to Lee'Ann (my best friend at the time), but not positive so I guess if she called you for it she hasn't gotten it yet. But I have half a letter around here somewhere waiting to be finished to her so it might be in that one.

I have to do my socks and underwear laundry on Sunday. I haven't gotten a chance yet because of church, but I'm going to keep going to church here so I will just have to find time. I have lots of clean undies yet, but I need to wash my white socks.

They never gave us phone rights on father's day. I thought that was pretty shitty but I guess there's not much I can do about it. Hopefully I will get to call tomorrow. The mean drill sergeants going until Tuesday so maybe.

I'm so hungry! They make everyone with packages open them in front of everyone so we don't get anything we aren't supposed to have. You should mail me socks with snickers inside them. No, I'm just kidding. It sounds so good though!

We have the best muffins at breakfast. It's the thing I will miss about this hell hole. They are Sarah Lee premium bran muffins. They are SO good. I crave them allot here.

You should see me polish my boots, what a mess. I get polish all over myself. But I can get them pretty shiny.

Well I have cleaning to do so I will see you tomorrow.

Love always and forever
Maryjanes

P.S. nick names I have acquired-
Dairy Princess- the guys in my platoon
TJ- same
JJ- My drill sergeant
Swiss Miss (like the girl on the hot chocolate packages)- the Lieutenant

P.P.S. Did I tell you I miss you? Well I do, a ton.

PPPS I love you!

PPPPS I want to come home :(

PPPPPS I'll be fine.

KEEP WRITING!

Dear MaryJanes June 21st

2011-03-25T07:30:00.004-05:00

Image by: selenavallejo

MaryJanes,

GUESS WHAT?
Jenn got a ring last night!

I just got your letters today and of coarse I cried through both of them! I was glad to hear you more up-beat. I was esp. glad to hear you are making the extra effort to go to church. I hope it gives you extra strength. Mike sends a "Hello" He keeps me assures that you'll do great. I don't know how I'd get through this w/out his support. He senses when I am getting depressed and gives me a hug and says "She is strong, she'll do great" Its the words I need to hear that he comforts me with. I called and left a message w/ Grandpa & Grandpa Johnson. I asked if it would be possible for them to make it and that it seemed important to you. I told them I would call again about it. I went to an auction this morning but it wasn't very good so I went to Columbus to straighten up my booths.
Good luck w/ your "sister" I hope she can follow in your foot steps. You act surprised that the guys are interested in you. You are SO FUNNY! You silly girl. You don't need make up, hair style or tight clothes to show your light. You glow with out any of that. Your personality sparkles silly! You're just a guy magnet! Im going over to grandma Greenes then I have a hair appointment. {changed to 6 pm rather than 8}The work on 44 is nearly done. Jenn said her ring is beautiful. I can't wait to see it! She called just when I got done reading your letters. Perfect timing!
Bear has to wear diapers now :sigh: I was thinking of putting her to sleep cause she is leaking urine daily now. Mike asked me to buy depends. So now she is "Diaper Dog" {new name}
I cut a tail hole out. Im glad you get to see Holly a little, that makes me feel better. Do your best with your "little sister"You'll be a big help to her. Sounds like allot of extra work 4U! Glad to hear of your plan for pull ups! I feel better about that now. And your plan to still use arm strength is good. 2 MILES YUGH!
How are you doing in the heat? Can I send you sun glasses? Are you getting mail every day? Why did they have you spend that much $? On what? Sounds stupid to me.I think about you all the time. Be Strong...Think Positive! I CAN I WILL! Go - Go _ Go!
Thank you for the letters. I love you with all of my heart.
Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 21st

2011-03-22T07:30:00.001-05:00

Inside card is hand written

MaryJanes,
Just looking out for you.
Love, Galoshes

The card along with others still contain the folded up toilet paper I sent her!

Dear MaryJanes June 21st

2011-03-18T07:30:00.001-05:00

June 21 Wednesday

MaryJanes
Hi,
No letters yet, :Sigh:
We are waiting for a pizza to cook - nothing eventful today. Im concerned about you and need to know that you are better since your last call. Did you mail your address to Lily? Mike and I are going to Kirby's afterwards to pick up something to sell for him. Tomorrow Iam going to Columbus first thing in the morning then to an auction at 11am. I have a hair appointment to have my roots done at 8pm. Army forms for you to sign came today. I'll call them to see if they can wait until you get back or if I have to send then to you.

back from Kirby's

Brenda just called, she and Tina will come to the bridal shower Sunday, but will be late. John is going to be marching in a band at noon. I talked to Matt about his goat. He is sure happy about it! Iam halfway watching a show called "True Women" I hope you are being strong like a few of these women on the show. I think about you always and pray that you are Ok.
Fighting back the tears cause I miss you so!
Love, Galoshes

From MJ 6/21

2011-03-15T07:30:00.000-05:00

Becky, Holly, MaryJanes

Dear Mom,
I have found that it is easier to go to the bathroom to write where the lights are always on then try to juggle my flashlight and hold my covers up.

Victory Tower was lots of fun. I'm good at repelling. Johnson is afraid of heights and started to cry, but I managed to talk her through it.

I got another card from you today. Please try and write every day, I look forward to mail call. I haven't really written anyone but you since I got to real basic. The only time I have is my sleep time so I wait until Sundays to write others.

Tomorrow we do map reading and will be marching all day with ruck sacks on our backs and things strapped to our waists, fun.

I'm not sure if I told you yesterday or not, but graduation will be the 17th. They aren't changing it . If we get done early they will just give us more personal time.

It's weird to think that everyone else is going on with their lives while I'm here. I don't even think ahead while I'm here. I'm like a robot. Half the time my brains are not even functioning, which sound weird, but it's hard to explain.

I think AIT will be fun next summer because I get every night off and there are clubs by Fort Meed and I hear you get single rooms and only have to share the kitchen and bathroom. But I don't think I get a kitchen, I won't need one. I guess it's a really nice base.

Thanks again for the pics, I had never seen the baby one of me and you. I cried and smiled. ♥ you so much

Miss you

MaryJanes

Dear MaryJanes June 20th

2011-03-11T07:30:00.000-06:00

Inside of card reads. "Just wondering what kind of condition urine."

From MJ 6/20

2011-03-08T07:30:00.000-06:00

Mom,
Hey! We are in a personal hygiene class right now. yeah, like we get any time to maintain good personal hygiene. The boys get an hour and we get 15-20 minutes with 64 girls and 8 showers.

Graduation is back on schedule again.

Becky, ?, Johnson, MaryJanes, Hening

When you come on parents day I need you to bring me some things, but I just drew a blank as to what they were. But I will need you to bring me make up when you come to get me on graduation day (not parent's day).

I haven't gotten your letters yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

Today I got yelled at by the mean drill sergeant about not being with my buddy for chow, which was because we separate the line by active national guard and reserves and she's active so we aren't together. Anyway the mean one got mad and yelled at me. But when we left the nice one stopped us and was like telling Johnson how they aren't trying to pick on us but she looked like shit when she got here with the uniform all wrong and all this stuff and since me, she has improved a lot. Then when she went away he said how he chose me not only because of our last names, but because I seemed like I had myself pretty well put together and that I would be a good role model. When he originally asked me if I knew why he was doing this to me and I said to build team work, but I was happy to hear it was because I looked to be a good future soldier. Even if I didn't spell it right, which I'm not sure of :)

Later that day......

I'm under my covers with my flash light writing to you. I did end up getting your mail today, and a letter from grandma Greene. She didn't give me her address to write her back, but please tell her I really appreciate hearing from her. I think of her and love her lots.

Thanks for my pictures. Ryan is such a cutie, I miss him. But I like Tommy more and I think you'll like him a lot too. Plus he looks just like Ryan, but cuter.

I'm glad my grades pulled up. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was having emotional problems, to be honest, for a while I think I was emotionally unstable. But I will get it together. The way you wrote your letters, like going through your basic day, was a good way to do it.

I remembered one thing I need on parent's day, hair dye, mascara too. I don't know if I will be able to get away with mascara, but I wasn't to try. I know I can dye my hair though. Lightest Natural Blond. I want a snickers bar so bad. They serve desert here, but I don't take it because the drill sergeants rag on those who do. But I guess when I have to drop every time Johnson does I will just burn off as much as she does even though she has desert.

MaryJanes with Tim, who was also from Wisconsin

We are MRE's (meals ready to eat) this morning after hand to hand combat training. NASTY! I got ham in natural juices, rice, crackers, cheese, and a pound cake, it all tasted like cardboard. Some people got good stuff like ravioli and skittles, but I think we are eating them again tomorrow so maybe then I will get a good one.

My period got all messed up being here. It rained a few days which is nice. I drink so much water I pee clear.

We have a lot of classes during the day which keeps us out of the sun. It's hard to stay awake in them though.

But I will write tomorrow about victory tower. I'm tired, tell everyone I ♥ them.

I love you so much and think of you constantly. Your the BEST mom ever.

♥MaryJanes

Dear MaryJanes June 20th

2011-03-04T07:30:00.001-06:00

Inside of card,
:you're taking up the part of my brain that's usually reserved for chocolate.

MaryJanes,
What everyone is up to:

Grandma G. -
Might go work at the South Pick n Save as a cake decorator. {Nicer boss}
She is able to let Lily [her dog] run loose because Roy and David fixed her dog fence.

Jenn -
Driving into work M - F till 6pm, YUK! Going to childcare givers MATC classes for 7 Saturdays in a row to get certified. Waiting for a ring!!!!!

Kim & Roy-
Getting their back yard ready for David {cousin} and Kari's wedding.

Brad-
Working on truck brakes to haul more wood to Indian Trails.

David & Kari-
Wedding Stuff.

Sam & I - Planning a wedding shower with games.

Mike-
Wood working , bow fishing,.
Sheep-
Eating!

Kids in the mall-
Wasting time, being lazy.

Dogs-
Eat, sleep, play repeat.

I hope you got your pictures. I miss you very much! I am so sad!
Love, your mom.

Dear MaryJanes June 19th

2011-03-01T07:30:00.010-06:00

Inside of card, {the picture shows a plant and when moved from side to side, you see a yellow flower growing.
:You're growing better and better and better:
signed:
Im sending my love, Galoshes

Letter,

MaryJanes,
Hi, Im spending the day inside in hopes that you'll be able to call. It's Sunday morning. I got up & took care of the sheep and chickens {phone in hand} Mike went over to Bills to help Brad w/ a project & walked back with Cricket {Jenn's dog} Bear {our dog} and Cricket played. Then Marvin & Cricket ran all over knocking everything over. Rusty {another of our dogs} wasn't happy about the whole situation. She tried to be good, but she just ran & laid behind the porch rocker. She dislikes Cricket. I just looked through the paper and Mike is mowing the lawn. If you call then afterward we are going fishing. Im hoping you're doing better. LuAnn {MJs friend} called, she asked Mike for your address. I will call her back once I know for sure it is correct. I priced items yesterday & took things to Columbus. Mike went spear fishing & shot a big carp to bury in the garden for fertilizer.- "yum"
I found Roy an Indian motorcycle picture & Kim a fence thing for her yard and we took them over to them last night. Kim got me some pear spray bath gel & lotion from Victoria Secrets for helping w/ Gunner. I'll send you a goody [not food] package when I know I have the correct address. I've gotten 3 letters. Nothing on Friday / Saturday *sigh*

Image by: BonnieJones

I need to find about about your MATC classes. I will call tomorrow. Rusty just came over for some loves. Maybe she is sending you some via this letter. See anything of Holly yet? Mike & I went and saw Gone in 60 last night. It was actually pretty good. The reviews for "Ugly Coyote" were showing - it made me think about you all the more. I will take you to that movie when you get back. Do you remember the previews? The girl that goes off into a big city and gets a job at the bar. Remember we both said, "that looks really good" at the same time. Yesterday & today the weather has been nice. No rain for a change and not too hot. I hope you're doing ok in the heat. Gas prices are getting near $2.00 / gal $1.86 - $1.95 / gallon now. Im getting bills caught up since Im not dishing out $10 / $20 / $100 to you weekly. That's a good part of this whole madness. I can focus on getting the pageant bill under control. I started taking St. Johns wort vitamins to help w/ the feeling of sadness. Mike has been a huge help with this. If I go outside, he reminds me to take the phone in case you call. He reassures me that you will be fine. w/out his help with you gone right now, I'd be a total mess. SERIOUSLY! We went to the post office & they had missing kids on the bullet ion board. I thanked God that you weren't missing. I'd rather have you where you are than on a bulletin board saying "missing" A man got arrested in the parking lot of Westgate mall. He was going to get together with a 14 year old girl he had been talking w/ since she was eleven. Another person the girl was talking to tipped police off. He had a ax, a rope, sex toys, drugs, pain killers etc in his trunk. [53 year old} They ought to just de-penis him, the moron!
So, though you are not in a warm and cozy place, I know you are not missing or in threat of being abducted. I thank God for that. Keep strong, think positive thoughts! "I can, I will"
Don;t let those negative thoughts fog your mind! We will get more fit & it will become easier. Hang in there.
You are loved, Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 19th

2011-02-25T07:30:00.006-06:00

Image by: BonnieJones

Dear MaryJanes,

I keep hoping the phone will ring and it will be you on a free time. But maybe they won;t let you for awhile now. I hope at least they give you free time today. Mike put up the shelf he made for the laundry room. He is over at his brothers house right now.I mixed up 2 batches of wedding cookie dough for Kari's bridal shower next Sunday. I will be at Sam's house next Sunday. The shower starts at 2pm, so I will probably be there about noon or so. Then back about 6ish. ??
I will look up Sam's # in case you can call & Im over there. I will leave it with Mike too, in case you wouldn't have it when you call. A buggy just went by with an Amish family, kids hanging out every where. The one little boy about 4 years old pointed up to the sky at the fairly low flying helicopter. It must amaze those little kids to see that when everything in their lives is so basic.
I 'm hoping if you are able to call that you are more adjusted & things are going abit better. Like when you called before in the shuffle, you were feeling better the 2nd call because you guys were not just sitting around. The phone had rung & I dropped this note. It wasn't you. I don't know what I had started to write, it was a lady from Rio that wants to see an antique photo before I take it to the booth.
Well, that's all I know for now. Iam sending my love. I will see you soon!
Love, Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 18th

2011-02-22T07:30:00.001-06:00

Inside card:
MaryJanes,
Without you, I'm a pail version of my usual self.
Love, Galoshes

{Included in this mailing was a cousin's wedding invitation, a report card from school, a bank statement.}

From MJ 6/18

2011-02-18T07:30:00.004-06:00

MaryJanes on far right. Johnson upside down next to me.

Hey mom,
I'm on fire guard again. I miss you so much. I'll probably get your letters Monday or Tuesday hopefully.

Did I tell you that there is another Johnson in my platoon who the drill sergeants think I should adopt? Well she's always messing something up or having her hair/uniform wrong so she has to push (do push ups). Well since she didn't seem to be learning the drill Sargent thought we should be sisters and I should drop with her. She drops a lot. I did so many push-ups on kitchen patrol yesterday because I was busy doing stuff and she got caught with her hands in her pockets. So now I'm not allowed to let her out of my sight. She's cool though. We have the strangest feeling that we know each other from somewhere but she lives in Tennessee. it's a weird feeling though.

Somethings wrong with my big left toe. It hurts and I looked at it but it looks fine. I don't know. I'm not going on sick call until I can't walk though.

We have to run 2 miles on Monday to determine what group we are in so they can help us improve. I'm going to try real hard, but 2 miles! I've never done that. And 1 mile seems like forever.

I see Holly every once and a while. We usually have at least one classroom thing a day and she's there. We are going to church today. We have the choice of sleeping until 0700 or getting up an hour and a half earlier to go to church. Se we are going. Becky, Holly and I have decided to join the choir too.

Do you think Grandpa and Grandma Johnson will come down for graduation?

You know how I told you about the push-ups and pull-ups after dinner. well when we do pull-ups they let us have someone hold our feet, well I showed the girls that all we really need to do is use our feet against our buddy's stomach to get us up! It works. I can do 10 no problem. But I put enough weight on my arms to work them out otherwise I would be just wasting time.

I may have told you, but we get to go to Victory Tower on Friday. It's the big jungle gym with the ropes and repelling and climbing.

I can't wait to graduate. I'm so afraid I won't make it. Like I'm going to fail my PT test or something. Some of the girls say they can't not graduate for it, but I think you have to pass to graduate. I can't wait to see you!

I feel like I'm coming home next week. I've only been gone 14 days. I would only have 7 weeks left of basic if we hadn't have had to go to reception and all that crap.

My waist is getting a little smaller. We haven't done much yet but all the sweating does it.
I don't know what's going on with my pay but they made us use $315 credit from our first pay for crap they feel we need. We have to set up our drawers for display. How dumb is that.

I can understand why we roll all our clothes, but displaying our toothbrush and soap? Oh well.

That's all that's really going on here. The days go by fast and they'll only get faster. I can't believe that there are more girls than guys here and all the guys seem to be going nuts over me. And I have no make-up, hair thrown up, and baggy uniforms. it's kinda funny.

I get to take a long shower as soon as Johnson gets back. Since we are pulling guard together we decided we would take turns showering.

Well I'm going to go now. I'm so tired, I wish I could go back to bed. I will in like an hour though.

♥MaryJanes

From MJ 6-18

2011-02-15T07:30:00.009-06:00

Image By: buckscountyframes

Mom,
Hello. I'm scared mom. I don't want to be here. Sure the people are real nice and the drill sergeants are just doing their jobs, things aren't right here. We are not allowed enough time for everyone to shower, the girls are always bitching at each other, I get dropped every time Johnson messes up, I had to ask a question because I didn't understand some directions and I was told to get out of the drill sergeants face before he kills me. I cried in church today praying to get through this. We haven't ran at all since we got here and all of a sudden tomorrow we have to run 2 miles timed. They are taking a ton of $ out of my paycheck that they didn't tell us about, $50 some a month for laundry whether we send it in or not, $315 for supplies, and now I guess we might have our graduation date changed again to a few days earlier. I just want to come home. I know how proud I would be if I made it, but right now I feel abused. I'm dirty and confused, lied to, not given toilet paper. I was tempted to call you in the middle of the night and ask you to call and say a grandmother had died and I needed to come home that day and then found a way for me to stay home, which isn't that hard since I'm 17.

Some people here are sick in the head I swear it. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, not all fun, but I feel abused. I will be so happy when I get out of here. Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life. I can't stop crying tonight. I want to come home so bad despite how proud I would feel to graduate. This is over the edge. Human decency is questionable here.

But I have to get to sleep yet again the familiar sounds of ambulances and girls telling stories of being cornered and yelled at being told around me.

♥ Always,
MaryJanes

Miss you! Kisses

Dear MaryJanes June 18th

2011-02-11T07:30:00.003-06:00

Inside Card:
I knew it...
I just knew I'd miss you!
Lots of love, Galoshes
Inside are pre-made address labels to save you time. I made them myself w/out your help!!

{Yes, that's toilet paper! Galoshes started to tuck in TP to just about every card she sent, and it's still included in each envelope to this day}

Dear MaryJanes June 17th

2011-02-08T07:30:00.003-06:00

Dear MaryJanes June 16th

2011-02-04T07:30:00.002-06:00

Image by: mfayrephotography

MaryJanes,
I hope I took your address down right, I gave it to Grandma G. She said she'd write you right away. Then we went to Kim and Roy's. Kim said that if I didn't have it right, that you'd have to do push ups for each one that was wrong. She won't write you yet to make sure your address was in correct order. I'm having a difficult time yesterday and today. I'm holding back the tears and fighting depression. I was doing ok till your last, quick call. Mike tried to help, but said there wasn't anything he could say to make me feel any better. So he's just been giving me allot of hugs. Today at work I had to really fight the tears back. Mike drove me to the post office last night after you called, that way they would go out right away. I kept repeating that I hope I heard you right about the address. He has assured me several times that they will get to you. My heart will really ache if they get sent back to me. I meant to ask about Holly. Do you still get to see her? Is there anyone in your platoon that you can pal with? Im hoping so. Im going to take stuff to the flea market in the morning to keep my mind busy. Mike doesn't want to because he wants to catch up in things around here. There are 2 auctions I want to go to next week. Tues/Thurs so I want to make some $ for it. Well Mike is waiting for me outside so we can move the sheep pen & load the truck for the morning. I miss you extremely! I wish I could make your time there less difficult. be strong & think positive things. Keep in mind they are paying you & that your car payments and insurance are due. You will come out of this stronger. Reach into yourself and draw from your soul. I will pray for you often. I hope you can call on Sunday, I don;t know if they will let you. As soon as I know your address is right, I will give it to everyone. Marvin gets mad because your bedroom door is shut. There is a chance that Jenny will come with us August 16 -17. I don't know if I wrote you that the Amtrak is too expensive. We are going to rent a car for a week instead. I will see you soon! Only days! Think positive and be strong.
I Love You!
Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 16th

2011-02-01T07:30:00.003-06:00

Card Reads:

If suddenly today, you smile and feel good....and you're not quite sure why...it might have something to do with the happy little hug I just sent your way.

:signed:
Lots of love sent your way too! Sending you a silly book to get your mind off things there for a few minutes.

From MJ 6/15

2011-01-28T07:30:00.002-06:00

Image by: warmwhispers

5-Minute timed letter

MaryJanes
Aco. 3-13 Inf. Regt 3rd Platoon
Ft.Jackson, Sc

Mom,
I'm doing good. Earlier when I cried on the phone it was just because I was happy to hear your voice and I miss you tons.

I'm going to do well here but we haven't showered for 2 days and the time limits they give us can be impossible.

Lots of nice people, face is breaking out because of no wash time. Got separated from Holly but Becky is with me and from Wisconsin also.

Call everyone (family) with address if you haven't already. I love you so much and am going to do my best to make you proud.

Tell everyone I love them and say hi to Mike. when I get home things will be different. On Mondays before you and I go out we will all have dinner as a family.

Love you
Always and Forever
MaryJanes

Dear MaryJanes June 14th

2011-01-25T07:30:00.003-06:00

Card sent to MJ by Galoshes

Dear MaryJanes June 13th

2011-01-21T07:30:00.001-06:00

Image by: buckscountyframes

Dear MaryJanes,

Tuesday June 13th.

Today is Jenny's [cousin] birthday. I got her a picture for her house of a old time window w/ a window box full of flowers. She liked it. Mike asked Brad {Jenn's then boyfriend} if he was going to give Jenn a ring for her birthday, but he said he got her a stereo. Grandma Greene called awhile ago to see if there was any "good news" from Jenn. But it doesn't look like it. I took Jenn's gift to her at Sam's daycare. I played on the floor w/ the kids. I put all of my hair in front of my face and made boogieman sounds. They kept saying, "again, again" One little boy would say, "gin, gin" I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning. - no not your room. I put some $ in your account as it was over drawn. It's been raining most of the day and the west side of Madison & Middleton are having flooding. Sam {Jenn's other aunt} & I are planning a wedding shower for Kari { My nephews previous wife} I wish you could come. Jenny & grandma are asking for your address. We called about Amtrak tickets, OH MY!!!! forget that idea. We are going to rent a car for a week. The train was way too expensive. One way was $220.00 / ticket then we would have needed a sleeping cab for 2x's on the way there $220 & $269 over the cost of the tickets. Then back would have more than doubled that. We can rent a car for about $350 for a week and get a motel 1/2 way. I talked to your dad, he bought another plane. He isn't sure if he will fly or a buy a ticket in advance for a cheap rate.
We will see.
Love, Galoshes

{Ticket prices are for MJ's basic training graduation travel}

Dear MaryJanes June 11th

2011-01-18T07:30:00.002-06:00

Love, Galoshes

{Letter included into card}

MJ,
Don'tcha just love this cute little note paper!? With you being gone it gave me a reason to buy it. Mike keeps reassuring me that you'll be fine. He says, "she'll be fine...it's you Iam worried about." I cry at any thing. He told me to go ride my bike, I told him I didn't have the motivation. He said, "Do you need a kick in the butt?" Maybe I do. Im just worried about you. I know you'll do your best & I know you'll still get yelled at and I know that will be hard on you. I hope you're stronger than me! I'd switch places w/ you if I could. But then again, even though it's hard, it will help you in alot of areas of your life. Just stay strong. My head's so full of snot from holding in tears that I have a head ache. Marvin's {Our cat} running around like a crazy cat. Our garden is growing now. We have squirrel and rabbits though, they might eat what comes up. We got more rain last night. Big winds, branches down. The computers problem came back, shucks. I'll write soon.
Love, Galoshes.

From MJ June 8th

2011-01-14T07:30:00.001-06:00

Image by:Raceytay

Hey Galoshes,
Well right now it's 2300 hours, 11p.m. I have fire guard so I have to sit at the door with another girl and check up on everyone every half an hour. I don't mind though because I have first shift (11-1am) and I'm wide awake. Plus this gives me more time to write. People get caught in reception for up to two weeks and may not have time to finish basic this summer. I hope real hard that we have time to finish. I will let you know as soon as I find out when it will be.

I'm catching an accent really bad. Holly's (a girl I met on the way to basic who was also from WI but talked funny) trying to get it out of me though. We never thought we would be looking forward to basic, but compared to this unorganized mess they call registration it's going to be nice. I ate so much food here. Tomorrow after I pass my PT (physical training) test that says I can go to basic I'm going to eat up because I hear they don't give much food at basic. That's good though, I will never lose an ounce eating like this!

So we are supposed to be done with this tomorrow. Off to basic we go. But something tells me we won't get there until Saturday.

I miss you so much, but in a good way. This is really going to be good for me. I just have to be strong. In fact I find myself supporting those who want to go home. I just keep thinking that #1 I'm at summer camp and #2 I will be home any day. Adam, a guy in my unit in Madison, told me I have to pretend like I will be home the next day. When he said it I didn't think it would be possible, but now I just do it automatically. Holly is helping me so much! She has given me a different perspective on the attitude to have at basic. She has the kind of attitude that if someone tells her she can't do something she wants to do it more. She doesn't get mad or frustrated she just laughs it off.

I have to go mom, the guard duty times got messed up and I guess I was supposed to be from 9-11 so I'm done.

I will write you ASAP

♥Always
MaryJanes

P.S. I'm going to do really good.
I just have to play their game.
Don't worry about me!
I Love You!

From MJ June 8

2011-01-11T07:30:00.004-06:00

Image by:Raceytay

Galoshes,
Hey. Today is going so slow. We got our new ID cards and a pay advance today and tomorrow we will be going to the store to get anything else we need. They better let us use the stuff that they told us to bring.

I told you my graduation day might change right? It depends on when we get out of this processing stage. We got some free time today though so it's not that bad. Everyone is sitting around bitching. We have some of the bitchiest girls in our platoon. Holly and I are convinced we will hate everyone but each other by the time we get out of here. I hope we are in the same basic training platoon because she is really helping me through this.

Tell Mike and everyone I say hi. I miss my puppies.

I will get you the address when I get it but we gotta go to formation right now. I love you endlessly.

Always and Forever,
MaryJanes

Dear MaryJanes June 8th

2011-01-07T07:30:00.004-06:00

Love, Galoshes

From MJ June 7th

2011-01-04T07:30:00.001-06:00

Image by: Raceytay

Dear Galoshes,
We got to registration yesterday. It's at Fort Jackson but it doesn't count as basic training time yet. I guess we're going to be here for like a week and a half. So graduation may be pushed back. I guess I will find out for sure about two weeks into basic.

I really wished I would have gone home while I could have. I know I will be glad when I get back that I went. We have an older woman in our company/platoon that had to come back to basic to get back into active army because she stayed out 2 moths to late. So she has been kind of motivational, but at times she's more of a hassle.

We were supposed to be able to call our parents yesterday because they don't want our parents to call here, but they haven't let us yet.

Some of the girls are doing crazy things to get out of here. I guess one slammed her hand in the door and broke some fingers, one knocked herself out, all kinds of stuff.

Well I have to mail this now, we don't get much time here. I guess I should be able to call you tonight.

♥ You!
I miss you tons

Always and Forever
MaryJanes

From MJ June 6

2010-12-31T07:30:00.004-06:00

Image by: selenavallejo

Hey Galoshes,
I have been sitting at MEPS for 4.5 hours now. I guess we are going to the airport around noon, but my flight doesn't leave until 5 tonight. I talked to Lily this morning. I guess the rumor about having to dye your hair is wrong. I talked to a girl who went to Jackson last summer. She said the drill sergeants are more like your friends, so I'm pretending I'm going to summer camp. She ended up having to go home though because she was over weight. She had slit option like me and was on her way to AIT. When they check our weight if we are over in pounds then they do a tape test and I had to get taped so when I was done and I passed I had to go to the guard office to get my orders and it was written down that I had to get a tape test. The guy was like "you had to get a tape test? YOU!" Then he said that the lady giving it to me must have just been insecure. I thought it was funny because I hate having to get tape instead of just being able to jump on the scale.

Image by:buckscountyframes

Well I'm going to write others now so talk to you later.

Love,
MaryJanes

From MJ June 5

2010-12-28T07:30:00.013-06:00

Image by: selenavallejo

Dear Galoshes,
I have only been on the bus for 10 minutes and I already miss you. I could see that you were being strong at the bus station. I know you wanted to cry harder. But I also know that if you had I would have never gotten on the bus. I'll be fine. I know I will. I'll be back before you know it.

I hate buses. The kid next to me keeps talking about how all his friends die so he doesn't like to make friends. It's sad, but I'm being to selfish about leaving home to care so it's a good thing he's not talking to me.

I want to come home. Someone please shut that kid up. He's now rambling stories about animal cruelty. To bad Lily's (my best friend at the time) not here. She'd put him in his place.

When we were sitting in the bus stop and you were getting water, dad was telling me how his head and stomach hurt and he didn't know it was going to be so hard. I'm going to take a nap, but I will talk to you again later. ♥ya!

Hey mom, It's 11p.m., I'm in my hotel room. My room mate's asleep, she wasn't very social so she didn't hang out with the guys and me. I love my soap. My hair is braided and my nails are as short as possible, I'm all ready to go. I forgot to call Lily, but I'll be up way before she goes to school so I can get a hold of her then. She leaves on Thursday.

There are lots of rumors going around about basic (training). One of the guys said we aren't aloud to write or receive mail for a month, I don't believe that. I'm pretty sure they make us write home as soon as we get there.

Make sure you give the dogs extra loves for me. I miss my rusty baby. I also heard that we have to dye our hair to it's natural color. I hope not! The sun will bleach it so hopefully I won't have to worry about it.

I don't know if I will be able to move to California anymore (I had dreams of going to University of Southern California). I don't think I could leave you again. Next summer when I go to AIT you and Mike will have to plan a vacation to Maryland because I get weekends off.

Tommy's (my boyfriend at the time) dad's in the army national guard. I guess every male in his family, and there are a lot, have gone into some branch of the military. So when I meet them, if I meet them, I will fit right in. Tommy's not going though. He's a good guy, you'd like him. He looks a LOT like Ryan (the boy my mom thought I would marry).

Image by: selenavallejo

When I looked at myself in the mirror tonight it felt like I was seeing a reflection of someone else. I don't know how to explain it, but it was weird. Well, I'm going to try and sleep now. I have a long day ahead of me and it starts at four. The guys and I decided we are going to get ourselves pumped up on the plane so it should be a fun flight. But knowing me I will probably just be writing letters.

Love you SO much!
MaryJanes
~mommy's little girl~

Reasons Why We Do Things

2010-12-24T07:30:00.002-06:00

Dear Readers,
The letters we are about to share with you are from the summer of 2000. I had just finished my junior year of high school and the day after school let out was leaving for basic training for the Amy National Guard. I was 17 years old and entered into a program that allowed me to go to basic over the summer, return for my senior year of high school, then go to Maryland for my AIT training (the schooling you go through to learn your specific military job).

MaryJanes Junior Year High School

It was the first time I had been away from home, ever. The longest Galoshes and I had ever been apart was just a few days while she went to visit a friend in Canada when I was 16.

I received a letter (sometimes two or three) a day from Galoshes. I think we both spent every free moment we had writing to each other.

You should also probably know that my interest in joining the military was also a desperate attempt for my father's approval. He was always saying that he wished he would have joined the military. Although we barely saw each other or spoke by the time I was 17, I hadn't fully given up on him yet. I don't know if I received a single letter from him while I was at basic training.

MaryJanes in Uniform

Perhaps we should have started our story here, past all of the dark times in our lives, but I don't think you would fully understand why we are the way we are without knowing some of what we have gone through.

Home

2010-12-21T08:50:00.011-06:00

Image by:warmwhispers

Dear Readers,

The saying from the Wizard Of Oz, "There's No Place Like Home" would be the best way to summarize how meeting Mike {ski date} falling in love with him and moving into his home would be. For the very first time in my life, I felt like I was HOME! A place where I was intended to be. In a warm & cozy little house complete with a glowing fireplace, 2 big Labradors and most importantly a gentle, kind man which I adore. I had used the words, "I love you" to other men in my life, but it wasn't until Mike, that I really found the true meaning of those words.
Mike swings into action and makes sure that i have my dream setting by building me a big chicken coop and filling it with assorted pretty chickens for egg playing. Then no home is complete without a couple of baby sheep and a funny little goat, right!?
I will work on a little burro some time in the future. Mike had made a back yard swing for adults and we sit and swing, we don't have to say anything, the feelings for each other is understood and we just relax and swing. He is a tall man with big, wide shoulders and I nestle in under his arm. I am so at home here.

Image by:SilverHorsePhotos

MaryJanes has requested something from me year after year after year........a new name. Since she was 2 years old, she has pestered me about her name. It is now {age 16} that I give in to her appeals. "OK, lets go take care of that!" I tell her as she once again asks. The smile on her face is a mixture of true victory and utter disbelief. "Really?" she replies. "Find out what needs to be done, and I get to approve the name before it is final" I tell her.
We are off to the court house with a mission of renaming my daughter to a more fitting name. If you can recall, she wasn't named for 5 days after being born, as I could not come up with a name that suited her. So, I suppose it is only right that she picks her own, she is an independent one!
She selects a new first and middle name and we make it legal. The smile on her face is contagious. In all honesty, it really didn't take long to adjust to using her new name.
With her name came another venture, she was asked to enter a Miss Teen Wisconsin pageant. This is something I had never planned for so she and I got a quick learning lesson in the whole operation of pageants.

MaryJanes, age 16, Miss Wisconsin Pageant Evening Gown

To summarize the events of it, I am glad she took part in it, it was a great confidence builder.
It was expensive!
Preparing and shopping for the event was time well spent, just the two of us.
I see now that when we shopped, I was steering her in to attire more geared for the Miss Wisconsin Pageant. It was very apparent when we got to the hotel the weekend of the event, she didn't look like a teen contestant. She was mistaken for a Miss Wisconsin contestant several times. And as it turns out, the judges were looking for a fun, zesty TEEN. Here I was trying to help her by telling her to be so confident and act professional, when I should have told her to just have fun and be a kid. I would have never made a good pageant mother! I am too competitive.
There is a funny story that comes from the whole experience, when MaryJanes turned 17 years old, that very day, she enlisted into the Army National Guard and they used her picture as a "poster child" to recruit other teens.
There on a big poster was my little girl's picture, with the words, ARMY National Guard written underneath. Mike and I did not try to talk MaryJanes out of enlisting, we told her that is was going to be challenging especially for a girlie girl. When the recruiter, Augie came to have her sign papers, I had to trust that she really wanted this. She would leave and be gone during the summer of her junior and senior year of high school for basic training. She was to do a split training, basic first then senior year of high school followed by her AIT training of photojournalist. I just had to trust that she knew what she was in for. I was proud and scared all at once.

Image by:buckscountyframes

And so that summer she got onto a bus and headed to South Carolina to experience a whole new life style........

Now Take On A Challenge.
Love, Galoshes

Moving North

2010-12-18T07:35:00.000-06:00

Image by: warmwhispers

Dear Readers,

My yearly rental contract was approaching a renewal soon. I had gotten a rental increase in the mail for the upcoming contract. I had paid my rent every month right on time and was hoping with that on my side, my rent would remain the same. So now I need to check the ads to see if I should move to a more affordable place or stay put and rearrange my budget to absorb the rent hike. MaryJanes is busy with her friends, high school and cheer-leading. There are times when I mark a date on the calendar that she and I will spend the night together. We would normally go to dinner, a movie or shopping. I found if I penciled it in, there could be no excuses of her having plans. I like to spend time with her and listen to what she has going on in her life. We have a really good open communication and I appreciate that.

As far as my dating life, that came to a screeching halt. At least the power dating did. I stopped my search after a few dates with my ski date. We are 45 minutes apart and MaryJanes is in school, so we write back and fourth allot. I make sure I mail him something every day. He and I have so much in common and both have old fashion views. I know I have found my soul mate. We date each other exclusively and I have told him the MJ comes first. No matter what, that is just the way it is. He completely understands.

MJ and I talk about looking for a new apartment and she is surprised that I didn't just ask her about moving to my ski guy's town. I explain to her that I wanted to get her through high school first. I didn't want to uproot her from her school and her friends. She only had three more years of school left. Recently she had broken up with "that boy" that I despised and was antsy to move on. She asked if I had planned on moving to my guys place. I told her, that yes, after she graduated. She said it was silly to wait, "lets move at the end of this school year" she announced."

Image by: Raceytay

After several talks with MJ, my sister, as well as my guy, that's just what happened. Did we move too fast, well technically I suppose so. But where my heart is concerned, no. It turned out to be the right thing.
MJ would be starting her sophomore year in a new school and she was excited about reinventing her self. She signed up right away for volley ball in order to help her fit in. She impressed me with her determination to get involved. Her father was not making any effort to get together with her. She was going to all of the volleyball practices and games yet he could only find time to make it to just one of them. I could see her looking in the audience to see if she could spot him. He continued to let her down, again and again.
Our divorce was final and I had a few issues with MJ's father not sticking to some of the agreements. He had gotten a girlfriend, a female version of himself, I thought they made for a perfect fit. Each of them loved the sound of their own voices. His girl friend was actually trying to get MJ's father involved with MJ. I appreciated that about her. And when MJ was having problems with a teacher that love to pick and choice her favorites and play God with grades, she was there to give me good advise about online coarse classes. That same teacher almost kept a nephew of mine from graduating right up until graduation day. She still teaches and I just can't understand why. She is a mean old broad! Honestly! Anyway, we enrolled MJ in the online studies for that subject and she aced the class. I bump into that teacher now and then, and don't seem to muster up the maturity to just let it all go. The word, "Bitch" always manages to slip out of my mouth. This is a down fall of mine, I am aware of this.

Now call your mother,

~Love, Galoshes

Bad Boys

2010-12-14T07:35:00.003-06:00

Image by: sixthandmain

Dear MaryJanes,

Why, Why, Why do you date "That Boy"??
There is nothing about this boy that I like. NOTHING!
There are so many boys that call and stop by to see if you are home,
you have so many options! The boy that came on his roller skates!!
Pick any of them, just get rid of that looser! What can you see in him?
He is a cocky, smart mouth, disrespectful brat!
I hate him!
I hate him!
I hate him!

Do you understand?

Now dump him!
~Love, Galoshes

P.S. I am running a few errands, I will be back in about 2 hours.
I baked some cupcakes if you want some.
I love you!

Paths

2010-12-13T07:30:00.001-06:00

Image by: buckscountyframes

Dear Readers,

It is snowing on the day that I have my skiing date set up. The directions he has given, confused me when two country roads, with similar names met. I pull into a farm driveway and ask to use their phone. With the snow that is falling, I really don't want to be traveling around these back roads in search of his house. He picks up the phone and I embarrassly tell him I am a bit lost. {I have a terrible habit of not fully listening to directions.....I think it might stem back to my childhood, and tuning out the repetitive sentences my father would drill in to our heads.} What ever the reason, I confess, I may ask for directions, but from there, my ears don't hear much. I have a weird habit of acknowledging those directions though. Why do I even bother asking?
Anyway, he tells me that I am only a mile away and I find it easily knowing that I simply need to get back onto the road I was on and continue east.

{I was driving a truck at the time, I am a country farm girl at heart. I find that most of the dates that I have been on find this amusing that I prefer a truck to a car. I guess I wasn't aware that it was all that uncommon.}

I pull into his driveway and go the the sun porch door. He is tall, blond and with deep baby blue eyes. He gives me a very pleasant smile and welcomes me. His big yellow lab slumbers over to greet me as well. I can sense right away that they are both sweet and laid back souls. He shows me around his kitchen and living room and asks if I am ready to ski. He has borrowed a pair of skis and boots for me, how odd they they are a perfect fit. It's dark out so he switches on a few yard lights which make the new snow glisten. It is so pretty. He shows me how to move with the skis, and makes a path ahead of me so that I can follow without clearing snow. Thank God, as this is hard work!! We ski around a big open field and I start getting a work out. There is a allot to talk about and we ask each other allot of questions. I am trying to talk, ski and stay upright all at the same time, which is a challenge.
He senses that I am draining of energy and asks if I would like to snow mobile. "YES" I shout, "this is hard work!"
I love trying new things, and though I now know that I will never take up cross country skiing as a regular activity, I am glad I had the chance to try it.

MaryJanes and I had recently tried snow boarding a couple of weeks ahead of this date, and I can say for certain, I will do that again! It was a blast! {I kicked MJ's butt at it...."smurk:... she's such a girly girl!}

The snow has really started to come down hard when we jump on the snow mobile. It is almost impossible to see anything. I have to trust that he knows where it is safe to ride, as I am basically snow blinded. I am a daredevil, and love the thrill of a bit of danger, so this wild ride was right up my alley! He seems so calm and relaxed, that I really did not expect to be given such an exhilarating ride. We return to his house and he makes hot cocoa while we sit by an open fire and talk about a wide range of topics. I am keeping a metal check list of anything that I can not check off on my list. Nothing.

Image by: sixthandmain

With all the snow coming down, I figured I had better get home while the roads were still drivable. We agree that we both had a nice time and he asks me if he can call me again. I thank him for a nice night, and tell him that would be nice.

I drive home with many thoughts in my head. I confess, that he was not the bad boy type that I would normally be drawn to. Had I been younger, I would not have found him challenging enough. I knew this was not healthy thinking, and told myself that I wasn't looking for a bad boy, I was looking for a stable, loving man. It is hard to break cycles of this type. You have to listen to your brain, and not your impulses. Had I been a bit younger, I think I may have fallen back into my old ways, but I was going into this whole change of pathways with my eyes wide open.

Now what habit can you break?

Love ~ Galoshes

The Message

2010-12-09T17:43:00.020-06:00

Image by: warmwhispers

Dear Readers,

A recording on my message box was lengthy as well as interesting. He sounded confident giving me information on just what kind of man he was. He said that he rode a Harley, though he wasn't the typical "Harley type." That was interesting as I love motorcycling, I ride my own bike and tend to be drawn to the older, more vintage bikes, Triumph, Ducati, some of the BMW's as well as Harley Davidson. He mentioned that he owns his own home, and shares it with his big, yellow lab. He is a non smoker, non to light drinker, will always live in the country and has a loving family. Everything that he said, fit right into what I was searching for. I listened to it a few times more. Later that night I placed a call to him. I find it interesting that he is from the same small town area that my sister's husband grew up. The same town that their campground was in. I have spent some many weekend through out my life in this town that was only 45 minutes away. Had he been there all this time? All this time in the same town that I have visiting all these years. Had I ever bumped into him? All these thoughts danced around in my head as I picked up the phone to call him that night.
His voice is low and I can sense that he is not hurried person. By this I mean that he sounds grounded, not easily pulled from his true self. A person content and relaxed in no big rush to get to the latest and greatest adventure. I like that.
As we talk, I feel comfortable with him, I feel relaxed myself. His voice is soothing, he tells me what he enjoys in life and asks me the same questions. He listens to me, and comments back as to what I have just said.

Image by:buckscountyframes

He has a good job which he has had for the past several years. He loves old, vintage trucks, motorcycles, hunting, fishing, reading as well as visiting with a few of his close friends. He does not do the 'night life' and has no interest in it. {enter a big sigh of relief here}
When I ran my ad I requested the ages five year my junior to five years my senior. He was four plus years my junior. Hey, you won't hear me complain, women tend to live longer then men. He has never been married, no children. Not that he hasn't wanted to, only because he hadn't met her yet. He tells me he will only marry that one person that was meant for him, and was not interested in marring anyone but her.

He asks me for a date, I except. He tells me that he would like to take me cross country skiing. This is a good thing, as I have never done this before and love to try new things. Since we will be skiing at his place, and I do not give out my address, I will drive to his house.

Image by: irenesuchocki

Everything sounds good, we will see what happens.

Now, get out and enjoy the snow.
Love,
~Galoshes

Wish List

2010-12-06T14:38:00.000-06:00

Image by: zuppaartista

Dear Readers,

MJ's grandmother on her Father's side and I used to talk about our ideal mates. She and I could sit for hours and chat about all the 'what ifs' in life. I was comfortable with her and didn't hold back as to telling her my dreams of finding "Mr. Lumber-Jack" someday. I considered her a very good confident as well as a close and a trusted friend. It was nice to have that, I was grateful for our relationship. But when I left MJ's father, she said and did a few things that insulted me, as well as hurt my feelings and we lost what we once had. I am guarded in my friendships, and when I feel stepped on or something happens that I feel the principle of the matter is just wrong, I end a relationship at a dead stop.. At least that is the way I was with girlfriends. It seems that the males in my life got more leeway with me.

Each day when I returned home from work, I dialed up the phone to listen to new messages. I let MJ listen to some of them and then got her thoughts on a few I was border line on calling back. I never gave my last name or the city I lived in at any time. When a date was arranged I met in a busy location to access the date before going on each adventure. When I think back on it now, I suppose it was a bit risky even with those measures. Abductions were not as broadcast in the 90's as they are now, but I certainly was aware of them. I carried a long metal rod inside of my truck in the event that I felt threatened. Luckily each of the dates were with normal, nice guys.
So what was I looking for? We each have our own likes and dislikes. I was steadfast in my requirements.

1: Non smoking, non to light drinker, no drug use now or ever, future past or present.
2: God fearing.
3: Good with children and like able by them. Be a good influence on MJ!
4: Ok with me being independent. And be aware that I will more than likely bring home stray pets.
5: Have a nice smile.
6: Be gentle yet strong, I am fairly old fashion and like a traditional relationship, I will bake, cook and clean, he takes out the garbage, changes the oil in the cars, fixes needed things. Must be mechanical. I have fairly good mechanical knowledge, and wanted a man that knew more than me, thus I would feel more feminine...silly, but it's something I needed.
7: Be willing to try new things, explore, camp, fish, canoe and fish.
8: Be an out of doors lumber- jack kinda of guy. { ok, some of you are laughing, but that kind of guy suits me.}
9: Have a nice family, no bad news among the group.
10: Love big dogs, animals in general, live in the country and ride a motorcycle,
11: Own his own home pay his bills on time, be smart with money and if he is my soul mate, combine our money and have common goals.
12: Love me just the way I was, laugh at me, comfort me and be supportive of me, be thoughtful, caring and kind. Don't be macho.
13: Be protective, yet not controlling, there is a fine line.
14: Love passion.
There is always chemistry as well, you have to have it. I think MJ's father and I were attracted to each other for the most part, but the chemistry just wasn't there. I want chemistry!
That is what I wanted. I knew I would find him some day, I just had to trust the plan that was in store for me.

Image by: Raceytay

I had always wanted to have more children, but at this point I was thinking 3 options:
A: Find my soul mate and be so in love with him that I just wanted to keep it the three of us.
B: Find my soul mate and have one more child.{MJ and I picked out names we liked}
C: If I don't find him, Get MJ through high school and college, then jump in a VW van and take off to unknown places and live life one day at a time. Just eat, breathe and live.

Moving On & Forward

2010-12-05T15:30:00.021-06:00

Image by: irenesuchocki

Dear Readers,

I did not hire a lawyer, I simply wrote up an agreement making it plan and simple. I detailed an agreement between MJ's father and myself and made it so easy on him that other men would have thanked God for me being so generous. I just wanted out, split the equity that we had in the house, pay a low child support, keep her on his health insurance, we each get a life insurance policy for her and split the costs of MJ's collage {with a monetary cap}. Seems easy enough right!? He thought the agreement was a good one and agreed. This would later back fire in my face!

MJ and I stayed at the house for about a month so that I could get rent and security deposit money saved. I found a 2 bedroom apartment in town, very close to MJ's school. Town living would be new for me, but I was so excited for a fresh start. MJ was thrilled to be among the living and moving people!! {City life} I let MJ pick her room and we worked together to make it a home. I unpacked my sewing machine, craft items and started to craft again. I was getting Christmas gifts ready as I knew I wasn't going to be able to afford to buy allot. It felt good to sew and glue and create, I suppose it was therapy. I liked that our apartment was near the school as well as that it had washer and dryer in the kitchen. There was a sliding glass door out the dinning room onto a brick deck.

I was working as a veterinary assistant at the time and was promoted to personel manager for the chain of 5 vet clinics. I gave myself a quick lesson in payroll and took it on. I remember that the clinics all had so many computers, and it intimidated me. I still didn't have the whole grasp onto how the whole computer thing worked, and I was longing for the pen and paper days to be back.

MJ and I settled into our new life with smiles on our faces. We went to movies and made meals together. She started to date a boy that I did not like at all. I tried to tell her that he was bad news, but she wouldn't listen. There was just something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. I hoped that she would not follow in my foot steps by getting involved with a cocky boy!

As far as myself, I didn't waste time. I knew my soul mate was out there some where and I was bound and determined to find him. I sat down and wrote out every thing I wanted in a man and then made a list of everything that was not except able. My plan was easy, place an ad, written and recorded of things about me and what I was looking for. No game playing, no settling. Next step, weed out the recorded responses that I didn't like and then arrange a single date with any of the others. I called it power dating. If on the date I could not check each of the columns of what I was and wasn't looking for, then I simply told them thank you, but they weren't the one I was looking for. I stuck to that rule and began my search for my soul mate.

Image by: shehitpausestudios

I don't know what it is about me attracting pilots? I dated 2 of them and from my own experience, they tend to be, well how do I say it???? Full of them selves! One of them had me fooled for a little while, he was tall dark and handsome. He ran his own business and was a smooth talker. I hadn't found anything that I couldn't check off until the day that he took me up in his plane. There we were flying and he let go of the stick and told me to fly the plane. You have got to be kidding me!!!?? Right!!?? Nope. He actually told me that it was up to me to fly the plane or we were going down. I must say, if I was not going to be able to check something off on my list, I would have preferred it to be on the ground.

Note to self: Add pilots to column of what I don't want. Check!
I don't care how tall, handsome, clever and rich he was, I was done with THAT kind of guy!

Now Will I Ever Find Him?

Love, Galoshes

Changes

2010-12-04T16:25:00.001-06:00

Dear Readers,

Shortly after the night from hell, his mother arranged an intervention. All of his family would be included. I kept MJ out of this, but was thrilled for the light on the subject and FINALLY someone in his family open to understanding that though he was some times a fun and entertaining person, he had a dark side to him when he drank. I felt a rush of relief to know that maybe I wasn't alone in the notion that MJ's father was an alcoholic and needed help. I had to secretly pack a weeks worth of clothes for MJ's father the day before the intervention took place. Arrangements had been made for him to be checked into a drug and alcohol rehab center, if he would consent to it. I had to trick him into a trip into the city by saying that we were going to see a mid day movie. When we pulled into the center he was so pissed off that I worried that he would not walk through the doors. He saw his relatives cars and was aware that the people that mattered most in his life we just inside those doors. Once inside, we each took turns reading our prepared letters that had been written to him.
I was hearing things about how he had effected others with his drinking and acts that he had done while under influence. These letters of information were all new news to me. I was taken back by the knowledge that they all knew that drinking was a problem in his life. Why after all these years did I feel like I was the outsider trying to deal with this issue on my own? Alcoholism runs in their family and they have seen first hand just how much it can tear a family apart.

He did not consent to checking himself in, this was no surprise to me. After that he did ease up on the drinking and requested to move closer to his job as the drive stressed him out. Stress, that is laughable, he had no idea what stress was. Being a young mother with a job that did not provide health insurance or a wage that would support herself and a child was stressful. Feeling like you had no options and had been raised with the notion that you work hard and don't ask for help is stressful. Being emotionally pulled back and fourth from one extreme to another from a man that was so much fun to goof around with when he was happy and sober to dealing with the moods of a man needing a drink, that was stressful. Being a child that wanted so badly just to have her father spend time with her, listen to her, watch her play and ask her about her dreams and ideas only to be shrugged off, now that is stressful. In the end, I am suckered in by his promises and we put the house and land up for sale and purchase another house a half an hour away. With the improvements made to house that we sold, we came out making some equity. Before the discussion of what to do with this money, $13,000.00 was secretly spent on a fixer upper airplane. Yes, you read this right, an airplane. He had gone through many expensive hobbies in the past, motorcycles, motorcycle racing, sky diving, baja VW ice racing, remote control RC smaller scale airplanes, scuba diving and adult, high tech go cart racing were among the list. But a full scale airplane took the cake.
I must say that when he buckled down and began to study for his pilots license, he was at least home more and not drinking. MJ was now of the age where she was involved with her friends and school functions. I found a little motorcycle for her to ride off rode back and fourth to her friend's houses.

MaryJanes with motorcycle

We lived out in the country again, and she dreamed of a day that she could live in town. She learned to tune her father out at this point and he took this to be disrespectful. He never did make the connection that respect is earned rather than instilled upon a person. We seemed to settle into an except able relationship of somewhere between roommates and friends. We both went to work, MJ got involved with the swim team as well as cheer-leading and life was
somewhat uneventful.

MaryJanes, freshman in high school

Then came the internet and a modem. I was instantly drawn to the whole communication on a screen. I chatted with new people from all over the world, people that found me funny and interesting. A whole new light bulb came on inside my head. For a couple of months I got lost in the world wide web. I basically checked out and became selfish with my time. I had found out that I had something to offer as a person when others actually listened. The time I spent learning how to use the computer and holding conversations with others online made me aware that I could muster up the courage to walk away from a man that I had invested so much time with.
The year was 1998 when I asked MJ's father to go outside and sit on the front porch with me. We sat quietly as I looked at him and told him that neither of us were living up to our full potentials together. I was not happy nor in love with him and I was letting him know that MJ and I were moving out to an apartment in town and I would be filing for a divorce. We did not argue or get upset with each other. We simple wished each other well. He hadn't been drinking in excess the last couple of years, I think he found confidence in himself by studying and
achieving his pilots license. I suppose this new self worth played a role in him easing off the bottle. But that selfish side of him remained, and it was never more evident when he purchased another airplane! Apparently he needed two. One to work on and one to fly.

The damage to MJ and his relationship had been done. Even without excessive drinking he just never could except his role as a father. He had no clue as to how to be a devoted husband or parent. He was a selfish person both sober and drunk, and I could now see that. I did not want to continue living with a man that did not know how to love MJ or myself. I wanted real love. The kind in of love that comes naturally and not forced.

MJ and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and started a whole new chapter in our lives.
I wish I hadn't taken so long to wake up to the point of seeing how destructive that man was on our lives. The only saving grave for me is knowing that through it all, I made sure that MJ knew that I loved her. I am quite certain that through all of the years, she knows that my love for her has been steady and constant.

So the lesson learned here for others in a like situation? Don't stay in a relationship for the sake of your children! Get help where ever you can. Pack your bags and run! If you think you are doing your children any favors by staying in a destructive relationship, you are wrong, just like I was. If there are people that care about you telling you to leave, listen to them. They see what is going on! Everyone told me to leave, they could see what I could not, or would not. MJ's father
was never going to change no matter how much love and devotion I could offer. It simply wasn't going to happen. And a note to myself, it wasn't about me or those 10 extra pounds. It was about him and his drinking and his selfish nature.

So what happens now?

Now We Will Find Out,

Love, Galoshes

Under The Influence

2010-12-03T13:00:00.000-06:00

Image by: BonnieJones

Dear Readers,

While living in our first home, MJ's father was out on his cycle and returned home as MJ and I were cozy on the couch watching a movie and having popcorn. We heard him for miles away racing towards home. When he didn't walk in the front door for some time after returning, I got up to check on him. He was sitting on the front step, letting his face air in the wind. I could see that he was smashed. {drunk} He blew our agreement. I opened the door and told him how frustrated I was with him. He murr murred some stupid words trying to sound philosophical. I went back in and sat with MJ and proceeded to finish the movie. He walked in behind me after a few moments and went into a spare room off of the living room and laid on the floor. This was a room that he never went into and I think that he was so plastered he didn't even know where he had landed. It always amazes me that though he crashed a few motorcycles, he never was pulled over for drunk driving. He ran from the police so often that maybe that was his only saving? Back then, drunk driving was not so publicly shunned as it is now. I am embarrassed that I never called the police to report him, I should have.
The movie ended and MJ went off to bed, I told her she could sleep in my bed and that I would be up in a few minutes. In the mean time, her father was mumbling, "fat Lisa, Lisa is so fat" He continued to repeat this. To clarify, I was 5' 7" and a size 10 /11 at that time. To him, I was huge, he liked women size 2-6. He has a fast metabolism and wears off calories like no one else that I know. He never had to think about his weight and people with extra weight applaud the hell out of him. He classified anyone with more than 10 lbs extra as fat & lazy. I admit, I had extra weight, but by no means was I lazy!

He kept mumbling that phase over and over, "Lisa is fat...fat Lisa" My blood boiled as I sprang up, and pulled him up from his laying position, telling him to shut up. He followed me into the living room and was acting so stupid, I turned and shoved him hard. He fell into a large tree like plant, then struggled to get up. That was the first and only time I ever laid hands on him. He got up, bugged his eyes out and I could see the rage come over his face. He put his hands up to my shoulder and neck and squeezed me while pushing me backwards. This was not good. I turned for the phone to call for help, he grabbed the phone cord and ripped it out of the wall. I told him to get out, he refused. I shoved him as hard as I could causing him to fall down. I heard the thud as I walked away and made my way to the stairs. Once upstairs I sat on the bed next to MJ and I could hear him stomping up the stairs. He got to the bedroom and told MJ that her mother was going to jail. He grabbed my hair, pulled he out of the bed, drug me down the stairs and to the bottom. MJ ran behind, Oh my God. What was she seeing and how could I let this all happen? I yelled to her to go get in the car and lock the doors. Her father yelled, "You stay here!" She was so confused she didn't know what to do. I kept wondering why she wasn't listening to me. Why wouldn't she just do as I asked? I wonder if she remembers?
Her father shoved me into the bathroom, my arm was left out and he slammed the door onto it. I yelled again, "MJ, go to the car" This time she did as I asked. I pushed on the door and got out. MJ's father sat on kitchen floor and looked like such an idiot. I almost think he was so drunk that he had no clue as to what all had just taken place. I drove to my sisters and we stayed the night.
I called MJ's fathers folks before going to sleep and let them know what had happened.

The next morning his folks got up early and headed for our house. They found him at home, a large mark on his forehead from his fall to the ground, the house torn up, the phone on the floor and him looking all chipper and wondering what brought them there. He did not led on to any mishaps.
I am truly embarrassed by that whole experience. It is ugly and I never, in all of my wildest dreams would have thought that I would be involved in such a disgusting ordeal. If I had that night to do all over again, I would have walked out the door and never looked back. I let a drunk man's insults to get the best of me, and learned that it doesn't pay to defend your feelings with a intoxicated drunk! No one wins. I share this night with you, because I want you to fully understand how bad it can get living with some one that drinks too much and too often. You can try to love someone and hope that your love has magic powers so strong that it will conquer over the bottle. But it doesn't. I myself do not drink. I don't like the flavor the smell or the behavior it creates. I still to this day don't understand the whole addiction to it. To this day when I am out and about and walk past someone that reeks of drinking, I get sick to my stomach. Then I wonder who's live they create havoc on.

Now Drink Responsibly.
Love, Galoshes

Extended Families

2010-12-02T20:25:00.000-06:00

Image By: irenesuchocki

Dear Readers:

Winters with MJ's father were always more enjoyable to spend time with him. I guess to some degree he was "stuck" at home due to the weather and not free to jump on his "crotch rocket" of the year. [as he referred to his motorcycles} I held no strings for him, I did not question his travels and never apposed to his weekend adventures out on his own. Keeping in mind, we did not have cell phones or computers then, so I never had contact with him when he was away. When I think about it, he really had it good, if he had only settled into being a family man. I asked very little of him. I could do most handy projects myself {and always had MJ as a wonderful and willing assistant!} He took long weekend motorcycle trips with out any complaints from me. His money was HIS money, and for allot of the time we actually had fun together. He was a dare devil and I was an adventure junkie! When he would take off, I made sure that MJ and I did some exploring of our own. I loved going junking and spending time at my sister & brother in laws campground. MJ had a paying job there and was dependable at doing her job. She helped at the candy counter, by filling those little white candy bags full of the assorted candies that were pointed to through the glass jars. She kept track of the customer's expenses, took their money and gave change back. She was always helping keep an eye on the indoor pool and alerted one of us when kids were running around in the area. She did play ground pick up and went on garbage runs with her uncle, Roy. He let her drive the truck on the camp ground roads and taught her how to drive starting at age 5. By the time she was 8, she had a good handle on it. I suppose this is why she turned out to be an excellent driver! MJ was given the job running the golf shack the summer she was 8 years old. The campground had a mini golf coarse and she charged the customers .75 cents each and gave out the clubs and ball as well as weeding and keeping the golf coarse clean. Some might think this was allot for a kid to handle, but she enjoyed the power of being in charge and adored the payroll money she received every week. I liked that she was learning to be a productive person and excelling in math, a subject I was and still am so poor in. MJ had an extended family with my sister and they included her into many of their outings as if she were one of their own.

By no means were all of our years together as a couple bad. We did have some fun and MJ's father and I had life lessons that we taught each other. He helped me understand that my own father was not the brilliant man that he wanted his kids to think he was. He also helped me see that I was not as stupid as my father tried to convince me that I was. MJ's father showed me some fun times and I in turn did my best to make him feel that he had a home to come home to. I showered him with gifts and baked goodies for him. But most of all I kept him alive, honestly! He and I both know that he would be dead if it weren't for me.
I was always a willing passenger behind him on his motorcycles, even at 130 MPH. We went camping and fishing along with having nice visits with his folks. I think his family played a big role in why I stayed with him as long as I did. They were nice to be around and I felt that I was part of their family. I especially adored his father. That man was the father that I always wished I had. I told him that and he knew how fond I was of him. I held on for so many years, hoping his son with become more like him. My wishes never made reality, but I can say that his older brother turned out to be very much the man that their father was. How two boys can be raised within the same house hold and be so different amazes me.

Now Take Care Of Yourself,
Love, Galoshes

Putting Things In The Past

2010-11-29T08:03:00.001-06:00

Image By: mfayrephotography

11/29/10

Dear Readers.

Funny writing "readers" as I suppose there are only a handful of you that have followed along. When the idea of this blog surfaced in my mind, I had the notion of helping other young mothers struggling in dead end relationships for the sake of their child. I have enjoyed the years of open communication with my daughter and she amazes me every day with her creativity, her ideas and her sense of herself. I find that rereading my letters to her and then retyping them into this blog stirs up so many feelings which in turn weigh on me for weeks after wards. I was 19 years old and unwed when I became pregnant with MJ . I was so unsure of myself and it shows in the choices I made to continue to reunite with her father. I had such a low self esteem that I did not know how to break away and stay away from her father for good. I see it so very clear now and when I read my letters I have such a strong sense of guilt and anger that rushes over me that I feel it might be best to fast forward into the next chapter of our lives. I truly want to step away from those memories of her father and start up where our lives take a turn of events. In my day to day life I rarely have a thought of her father, but since starting this blog, I find myself digging up those awful feelings towards him and the sense of guilt for not providing MJ with a healthy father figure. I was so set on making our family work 'someday' that I short changed so many todays.
In the next few days I will do a fast forward of events leading up to me finally sitting on a front porch and telling her father that neither of us was living up to our full potentials together and that I was leaving him for good. And I did, I left him for good. Wow, now that felt good to type.
Let me do that again.... I did, I left him for good!
I now have a smile on my face.
So I hope that you are each good with a change in the story. I will fill you in on the events of 1994 to 1998. At that point I will retype letters MJ and I exchanged from that point on. When MJ signed up for the military on her 17th birthday, and then left for basic training we wrote back and fourth so often that it will take days to get through those! So the next couple of posts will be a summary of events and pictures over the years.
I hope you will continue reading along and let us know if these letters touch home with you in any way.
Now Stay Tuned,
~Galoshes

Disney Downsides

2010-11-28T08:03:00.001-06:00

Image By: shehitpausestudios

November, 1993

Dear MaryJanes,

I had stashed away what money I could so that we could be included in our extended families trip to Disney World. My sister and brother, along with their kids and your grandmother were all traveling together. We drove a used motor home that my mother had purchased in hopes of driving her self on various travels in the future. This was the first trip it had taken since it was purchased. What was suppose to be a fairy tale trip for you was altered by the expenses needed for repair and fuel for the motor home. The fuel alone consumed over $700.00 of my funds. Your father did not contribute to this travel and so any money that was spent, was from my skimping and saving. I barely had enough to cover our campsite, meals and little entertainment. I can not tell you how sick I felt not to be able to let you do all of the rides and games that a child should do on their once in a life time Disney visit.
My sister saw my anguish, and did a few extra special things for you. She had her own family to see to and I know she was irritated with your father for not helping us out. She kept quite about it and helped make the trip fun with suggestions of free entertainment ideas.
Having enough fuel money for the return trip home weighed on my mind through out each day. I had figured out what money I would need for the return trip home, and tucked it away.

I journal this down as a way to let it go. I do not know that I will ever let you read this letter, but I needed to vent my frustrations somewhere.
I don't think you were aware of just how much my heart was hurting to see you go with less than what I had dreamed for you. I hope the nights around the campfire and just being with family over shadowed the missed out purchases that I would have normally made for you. I hope you that you had a fun trip despite all of that.
Your father had told me that he had no interest in a trip to Disney World and wasn't even going to join us. I needed him to drive the motor home and so insuring him that it would not cost him a cent, he agreed to go. Would it really have killed him to tuck a little extra money in his wallet to give you a special trip? Apparently so, as he never offered.
Why on earth did I ever agree to go back to him?

Now Dream Of Far Away Places.
Love, Galoshes

A New Home

2010-11-24T05:39:00.001-06:00

Image by: buckscountyframes

September, 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

Ten years ago your father and I were married. After all this time we now have a house to call our own. It is an old farm house with 40 acres and a long, narrow barn with a couple of horse stalls. We can bring your pony home and I will look for a horse, maybe a lamb or a goat and of coarse we will start right away for a search for a big puppy.

There is work to be done, and some fixing to do, but it is ours.
Since we live way out in the country, I found you a little mini bike so that you ride it around the land and to the closet house down the road, I see they have a girl about your age.
Your father did the ground work and came up with 2 house options and asked me to pick the one I liked best. He swears he will work hard, stop drinking and become an active role in our little family. He seems to have really worked hard to pull this all together and I think he is sincere in his efforts.
We came up with a solution for your small bedroom by building a cute bunk bed with a desk area for you below. This was one of the very first undertakings in making this old house suitable to our needs. There was a compromise in locations for the house so that it was between your fathers job and mine. You have started a new school and have a very nice teacher. I hope you make friends and adjust to this move. You seem excited to be back as a family and I hope that your father stays true to his word.
I found a good deal on some new paint and you said you would like to help pick out colors and paint. We will have to tackle remodeling the kitchen, the laundry room and the bathroom. First I want to go to the barn and get the stalls ready for your pony. I am glad there is a fenced in area for her to roam. I noticed that there are berries growing along the back side of the barn, we will have to gather them next spring. I will plan for a big garden and hanging my clothes out on a line to dry. Spring will be wonderful!

Image by: BonnieJones

This feels good to be making a place for us to live as a family. I pray that God will watch over us and help your father make the needed adjustments that he has agreed to.

Now saddle up your pony and run with the wind.
Love, Galoshes

Yo-Yo

2010-11-17T22:36:00.006-06:00

Image by: sixthandmain

Dear Galoshes,

A small round plastic toy with a string that pulls it up and down when pressure is applied. My father is that string applying pressure and you are that small plastic toy that drags me along with you. Always trying to break away, just to be yanked back in again.

I wish I could cut that string, burn it, then bury it far far away. We could go anywhere, be anything we wanted to be, the two of us. We would be so much happier without him. You want so desperately for him not to make the mistakes your own father did, for me to have a father unlike yourself, but he just isn't that person. He will NEVER BE that person. But it will be a long, bumpy, road before you realize this.

He is an addict. Alcohol is his drug of choice. Even at times when he is alone with me, responsible for keeping me safe, I find myself caring for him in a drunken stupor. I find it funny that someone who thinks of himself so highly and belittles others so easily puts himself in a position that a child has to care for him, for he is too drunk to do it himself.

Run, please, run and do not look back.

Love,
MaryJanes

Where Is This Heading?

2010-11-16T19:44:00.010-06:00

Image by: sixthandmain

June 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

He makes promises and I want so to believe that he is sincere. Your father says he misses us and that he is ready to do what ever it takes to get us back together. The sensible part of me says that this is a trap. The sentimental part of me wants to believe this is the truth.
I am not easily lured as I make my list of demands.
No Smoking.
No drinking.
We buy a house.
We live between your job and mine.
You take an active role in your daughter's life.
We do more as a family.
You say goodbye to your youth and grow up.

I tell him to think on my list of demands and sleep on it. I am serious and will not be easily talked into reuniting with him.
He "says" he will do what ever I want, what ever it takes, he will do it.

My sister and brother in law plead with me to come to my senses. All I have ever wanted in my life is to get married, have children, own a home in the country with a couple of big dogs and be happy with just that. A simple life.

I will see what the week brings. For now at least he says he misses us and that makes me feel good.

Now let me figure this all out.
Love, Galoshes

Setting Boundaries

2010-11-14T20:30:00.013-06:00

Image By:buckscountyframes

September 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

Considering you are only 9 years old, you seem to have a grasp on who you are and what you want in life. You are mature for your age and this is a good and a bad thing all rolled up into one little ball. I don't want you to miss out on being a kid, yet I want you to learn to be accountable for your actions.
You have earned many freedoms and continue to earn more as you prove to be very responsible. Rarely, do you give me any reason to use a harsh tone.
I have been strict with you. I hope that when you are grown you can look back and know that I am strict now so that you learn the rules I set in place for you and in turn earn freedoms. Some times parents find it easier to give in to the wants and wishes of their children. They let them get away with more than they ought to. I think that it might be easier to show you the rules and boundaries and then you learn good habits. Time will tell I suppose. For now, I go with the thought of, "here are my rules, follow them, be rewarded with making choices on your own = happy mom!"
So far it works. Make sure when you are older you tell me how it worked for you.
P.S. After you get married and have your own child, you get to make up the rules.

Now Go Outside And Play!
Love, Galoshes

There's You & There's Me

2010-11-13T21:42:00.023-06:00

Image By: Shehitpausestudios

June, 1992

Dear MaryJanes,

I love it when we take a drive and turn the music up loud. We sing along to the songs we know and it's interesting to find out what songs you enjoy. You are better than me when it comes to knowing all of the words to the songs. I hum in between the parts that I don't know.
Somethings to note about you so that you can read this letter someday and say, "Oh yeah, I remember that."
1: You like to switch up your hair styles regularly. { I like to keep mine long and straight }
2: You like to debate, and hold your own when it comes to most topics. { I stumble on my own words}
3: You are good in math and don't care for history. { I am poor at math and like history }
4: You don't like to stick out in a crowd, you prefer to observe. { I tend to be opinionated, and tend to stick out }
5: You are serious. { I am silly }
6: You like to go shopping. { I dread it }
7: You have expensive taste. { I like a bargain }
8: You are somewhat shy and get upset with me when I try to encourage you to venture out. { I venture }
9: You find boys annoying and immature for the most part. { I point out the boys that I think are nice }
10: You want to move to a big city when you grow up. { I will always live in the country }

So there you have it, and through all of our differences, we can still jump in the car, flip on the radio and sing at the top of our lungs...........I love that!

Now Sing Loud and Clear!
Love, Galoshes

A Mother's Fears

2010-11-12T20:43:00.023-06:00

Image By: Raceytay

December, 1991

Dear MaryJanes,

On a hot summer day, when you were just 2 years old, we were standing outside of my folks house, when out of the blue you said, "it had pizza on it". This made no sense as we weren't talking about anything at that moment. Then your eyes rolled back into your head and you looked very flush. I assumed this was all related to the heat of the sun and humility. Two years later when you were four, I was putting your hair into braids, your eyes once again rolled back and then you slide down my leg onto the floor. At that point you passed out for a brief second. You had been standing in direct sunlight and it was a hot day so I dismissed this as heat and sun related. But on this occasion I noted was that your left arm twitched a couple of times. This scared me, but because my side of the family has sun sensitivity issues, I was fairly sure that all related. At the age of six, same scenario, It was a hot summer day, and you passed out and once again your left arm twitched a couple of times. I took you to see your doctor. He could not see anything out of the ordinary and agreed that the heat probably played a roll in these episodes.
It wasn't until a night that I let you sleep with me, that I found out the reason for those events.
You don't normally sleep in bed with me, but it was a cold night and I made the suggestion that it would be cozy to have you sleep in my bed. We got your Pj's an and we headed for bed. Very late in the night, about 3 am, I was woken by your sudden movements. I was sure you must be having a bad dream. I try to wake you, and tell you it was OK. But you kept shaking. Something was wrong. I lift you up into my arms and you are jerking. I carry you into the dinning room and grab the phone. The phone has issues and isn't always reliable as it has a short in the cord. I grab the phone book to search for the emergency room number. You continue to shake your whole left side. I dial the number and the phone cord shorts out, I try again, and again. I am trying to hold you and tell you it will be ok and I can't get the stupid phone to work. I scream for MarySue but she is a sound sleeper and doesn't hear me. I scream again. Finally the I hear ringing on the line, and a voice. I tell them I need an ambulance quickly. They assure me one will be on the way and I hang up. Your shaking slows and you talk to me. I tell you it will be ok and that we are getting help. I adjust and move you and notice your left arm and leg aren't moving with the rest of you. You are groggy, but awake. I ask you to move your left arm, nothing. I ask you to move your left leg, once again nothing. "Can you move your left hand fingers MaryJanes?" I ask. Why is your left side paralyzed? MarySue makes it upstairs and I tell her what has happened. I tell her a ambulance is on it's way...where is it? I call my sister, but Roy {my brother in law} answers. He tells me that she is out of town. I tell him I am sorry for waking him and explain what has happened. I wish my sister was home, I really need her. It takes forever for the ambulance to arrive. I ask MS to call the farm where I was to go and do morning chores, "tell them I won't be in" I instruct her. I then ask her to call your father and tell him that I am taking you into the emergency room. Nearly a half hour later the ambulance arrives. I now know why it took so long, one of the crew is a customer at the veterinary clinic where I work. She has 3 dogs, none of which move too fast a mirror to their owner! I am angry, as I suspect she feed and let them outside before arriving. I bite my tongue, but I am so angry and upset for their delay. I ask the woman why you are not able to move your left side. She said I will have to wait and ask the doctor. My mind wanders to the thought of you in a wheel chair.

This fear does not compare to anything that I have ever experienced. I have had my share of fear in my life, yet I could combine all of my lives scary happenings into one ball and this would far exceed any fear that I have ever lived through.
Once at the hospital your left side regains movement. Roy walks into the room and I feel better with family there. It was sweet of him to meet us there. I feel myself relax with him there. The doctor tells me you have had a seizure. The lose of the left side was due to the stress that your body had gone through. Almost like your body was in shock. They want you to remain there for awhile to observe you. Your father walks in the door, and I tell him what has happened. I can see that he was worried about you. And I am angry with him. We should have been living together as a family and leaned on each other for support through this whole night. He should have been there to dial the phone while I comforted you. I don't waste too much time thinking about this as you are my concern and I just want to know what to expect from all of this. The doctor tells me to make an appointment with a neurologist.

I would give anything to change what might be going on inside of your brain to cause this. My mind scans my pregnancy for any clues, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drug, but I was sick the whole 10 months. Stress, I was in allot of stress, did that do this? Was it because your father drank and did some drugs? I need to know if I am to blame. I need some where to go with all of my questions. I call that day and get an appointment set up. They will do an EEG on you.
After this is done we wait, I bite my nails and have a million thoughts going through my mind.
The doctor calls us in. He asks me if you are a bright child. I tell him yes, that you tested in the gifted and talented at your kindergarten screening...."why" I ask. He said, "your daughter has benign childhood epilepsy." He shows me the print out of your brain waves and tells me that he sees certain patterns and spikes which help to identify the syndrome. "She will outgrow it." Those are the words that I covet!

Image By: I renesuchocki

He tells me that the wiring in your brain some times is miss directed and for some reason, children that have this are usually very intelligent. So there is a bright side to this bad news and the best news is that you will out grow this. I am so thankful for that. The doctor wants to start you on a very low dose of epilepsy medicine. He also wants to do a few follow up EEG tests in the future. He tells me that this should not interfere with your life, and that you may never have another seizure again. That's what I am hoping for because there is nothing worse than a mother seeing her child in pain or distress and not being able to fix it. I know that we are one of the lucky ones and that many people don't get to hear the words, {temporary}when used with epilepsy. I feel truly grateful. I love you more than my own life and want nothing but the best for you.

Now Rest Your Worries.
Love, Galoshes

Making Plans

2010-11-11T00:03:00.009-06:00

Imagine By: buckscountyframes

November, 1991

Dear MaryJanes,

My sister found an ad offering a small rental house on the lake. She gave them a call and spoke with the owner. She had surprised me when I saw her that afternoon by letting me know that if I wanted to rent it, the woman has approved us via Kim's phone call. A little house on the lake for you and I.
It's funny how things happen some times. As it turns out, that day I received a call from my sweet cousin, Marysue. She didn't sound her usual happy self and with a little prodding, I understood why. It seems that her boyfriend has shown a dark side to her. I had wondered why she seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for a time. She tells me that he was separating her from her family, a tell tale trait of a controlling, abusive man. {he is from a culture where men put and keep their women in their place!}Funny that in truth she is a spunky, feisty chic which wouldn't take guff from anyone, or so I thought. As it turns out, the straw that broke the camels back is that, he tried to push her out of a moving car as he felt she was sassing him. My blood boiled and she knew by my tone that I would have gotten in my car and drove there and beat the living day lights out of him! { I would have too}
She begged me to not call him, and asked my advise. She said she needed to get away from him.
I told her to pack a few things, jump in her car, and come live with you and I in our little house on the lake. "It is a two bedroom" I told her, and I want MJ's to have her own bedroom, but the basement is very nice and we can fix it up cute for you!" I asked her not to tell him where she was going, or give him a phone number there. It took me a while to convince her, but in the end I told her she had no choice, that we needed each other to get us through this phase of life.
She agreed and would be on her way.
I am excited about this chapter in our lives. MS and I can share rent and she said she would help me watch over you and that she and I could go out dancing!
Things are going to be just fine.

Now Nestle Into Your Cozy Bed.

Love, Galoshes

Fitting In

2010-11-10T22:53:00.014-06:00

Photo By: mfayrephotography

August, 1991

Dear MaryJanes.

When I was growing up my parents made the choice to keep my sister, brother and I each in the same school district for the entire K - 12. To me, this had it's ups and downs. For my brother, it was the perfect choice as he loved being involved in school activities and made friends easily. He was a football and track star through out his school years and has kept in touch with his peers after graduating. For my sister, I suppose it made no difference as she just did the time and got out as quickly as she could, which for her was age 17, at which time she moved out of the house the same day as graduation. I recall that we once went to look at a big, old farm house with a barn and I wanted so badly for them to buy it and to move there. It must have been further away from my sister's then boyfriend, now husband, as she was very upset that I was in favor of moving.She gave me that, HOW DARE YOU LOOK!

In the end, my parents stuck to their agreement and kept us in the same house with the same school system. For me, I would have loved to have moved and reinvented myself. I never did fit into any of the clicks and though I was younger than most of my classmates, I felt so much older and mature than they were. I dreaded going to school and felt that it was a waste of my time when I could be working and earning money at a job with that time that I was enduring classroom time.
So with this I hope that you will adjust to the choice that you will be starting this upcoming school year in a new school. It is my hopes that you are able to easily make friends and find your way to fit into a new group of peers.
The reason for this you might wonder? I called your father today to tell him that since he did not bother to call us once or come to visit us all summer that he must be adapting well on his own and so it should come to no surprise that we would not be returning home for the upcoming school year.
I have found a new sense of being on my own and with the support and love of my sister and brother in law, we will continue to reside here. You and I, MaryJanes, we will make this our new home and take each day as it comes. I will love you enough for two people and maybe more.

Now study hard.
Love, Galoshes

Pretty Little Show Ponies

2010-10-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

MaryJanes (on horse) with cousin Jenny

July, 1991

Dear MaryJanes,

Your cousin, Jenny is an excellent rider and has worked day and night getting herself and her horse ready for shows. She and her horse, Forecast continue to win trophies and ribbons. There was a local horse show that I had entered you in at the last minute. With the help of Jenny you have become a really good horse back rider. I didn't have any fancy show clothes for you to wear, but the whole experience of showing was really good for you. Kim was so nervous for you and thought you were definitely too small and inexperienced to ride Forecast, but I had confidence in Jenny's horse to see you through it. You show a little bit of daredevil in you on occasion, so I let you give it a whirl. You took third place with a friend's pony and though you don't place with Jenny's horse, you had a great time and I was smiling the whole time. You look so confident riding along side other kids that have had lessons and shown before. You couldn't tell from watching that you were just learning. I hope you skate by in life with such ease in everything you undertake.

MaryJanes on Forecast

Once again your dad missed out on seeing you on a special day, though his folks made the drive up here and seemed proud to watch you ride. They cheered you on and you put on a good show!

Now Geddie-up.
Love,
Galoshes

Paint Ponies

2010-10-04T16:05:00.001-05:00

MaryJanes, cousin Jenn, Dutches, Galoshes

June, 1991

Dear MaryJanes,

I found a paint pony for you that is safe and gentle for kids and yet loves to run. She is an older pony and she reminds me so much of the pony I had when I was young. Comparing the photos of my pony, Patches and your pony, Dutches, they look very much alike. You have taken to her instantly and want me just to get her saddled up and let you go.

It will take a little practice riding behind a fence before I give you the OK on venturing out on her beyond that. "she's mine? all mine?" you inquire when I bring her home. There is nothing more in life that I love than seeing your eyes glow with excitement. You take being on the saddle so natural, and though you think the English saddle and apparel is so much more fashionable, you will have to except riding western, cowboy boots and all.

Now learn fast, there are shows to do.
Love, Galoshes

Home Away From Home

2010-09-28T17:46:00.011-05:00

Image By: Warm Whispers

May, 1991

Dear MaryJanes,

You and I have been on our own as I have been working at my sister & brother-in-law's campground. Your father has not once taken the 45 minute drive up here to visit with you and it breaks my heart to know that you must feel something about it, yet you don't express anything to me. I think you might be wise beyond your years. This is a trait my sister has as well. Some times it seems like you are more like my sister than myself. Oddly enough her daughter. Jenny is more like me. It's as if we are each raising our sisters. You are happy here and Kim and Roy include you in allot of their family outings and make you and I both feel integrated into their family. Roy shows you how to drive the truck when you go out on garbage runs with him. Something he does with all of his nieces and nephews. I think you might be their favorite! I love being here with them and we all work hard. You help out in so many ways. You run messages, help bag up candy orders and are actually quite good at math and giving change. I like that you are learning skills that you will need in everyday life. You spend allot of time tagging along with your older cousins and they include you like some one their own age. You seem to enjoy older kids rather than those your own age. Kim and I help each other keep an eye on each others kids and so you always have an extra set of parents watching over you.
Kim and Roy gave Jenny a beautiful quarter horse and she will be showing him in the local fairs. Since I was raised with horses, I hope to spark an interest in you as well. I hope you are doing as well as you appear to be doing.

I am so proud of you.

Now stick around.
Love, Galoshes

What Have I Accomplished?

2010-09-21T11:09:00.001-05:00

Galoshes

April, 1990

Dear MaryJanes,

I am 28 years old today and I look back and wonder where my life has gone. You are my meaning in life, but some day you will grow up and ask me what is the meaning of life and I can't say for sure that I will know how to answer. It often seems that I am just going along the motions and trying my hardest to make everyone else happy and I just want some solid ground to stand on myself. I put on a good smile and make everyone around me get the impression that everything is honkie-dorrie, when in truth, life is hard. Twenty eight years old and soon to be thirty. Other than giving birth to you and making sure that I do my best to raise you, what else have I achieved in life other than trying to help your father mature as well as keeping him alive. Some times I feel like I have two children rather than one.

MaryJanes

I will tuck this little pity party away in my box of letters to you so that one day when you open them up and read them, you will know that on those days that you felt like the world was getting the better of you, I have been there and thought that.

Now Cheer Up.
Love, Galoshes

Bare Feet & Fancy Shoes

2010-09-13T10:36:00.007-05:00

Galoshes fishing, notice the muddy feet!

March 1990

Dear MaryJanes,

You like pretty shoes, in your words, "Momma, I want those fancy shoes" You are attracted to the bright dress shoes with a little bit of a heel. Anytime I go out for some "me time" you notice that I put on higher heels. "Momma, where did you get those shoes?" you will ask. I suppose you notice shoe styles so often because for the most part I am bear footed. I prefer to go without shoes and if you look through the pictures of me, you will notice that I am most always without shoes. There must be some Indian blood in me somewhere along the lines, though my folks say not. Usually once or twice a year I manage to get some kind of foot injury, but this doesn't stop me. It's in my nature to walk with my feet to the earth.

Galoshes with her grandmother

Galoshes and Nephew

Someday when I am an old woman, I suppose you will find me out weeding the garden in my bare feet. You will call out to me, "Hey, mom, look at these fancy shoes I just bought." I will just smile and be content to wash the mud from feet, as they are the best pair of footwear I own.

Galoshes and her lamb

Now one..two buckle your shoes,

Love, Galoshes

Needing A Push

2010-09-09T17:38:00.017-05:00

Image by: sixthandmain

October 1989

Dear MaryJanes,

I want you to try new things, get involved and venture out to find what suits you. I hope when you grow up you can look back and know that I wanted you to experience events in your life that would help you develop a wide range of interests. It's not so much pursuing everything you are exposed to, but rather to pick and choose those things that bring a smile to your face. Things that make you say, " I want to do that again!" There are things I wish I'd had the chance to try but for one reason or another wasn't given the opportunity. I have complied a list of some of the things that I think I would have been good at, if only someone had given me a little push to start.

1: Barrel Racing Horses. { I could have excelled at this}
2: Dirt Bike Racing.
3: Archaeologist.
4: Artist / Drawing.
5: Poet / Story Teller / Song Writer.
6: Go - Go dancer...{I wonder, do they pay you to do this when your clothes stay on?}
7: Dog Training.
I was in 4-H and competed in dog shows and went on to State, but always with toy poodles. My father would not allow us to have any other size of dog. I wanted so badly to have a German Shepard or Collie. I think my life would have taken the direction of police dog trainer or training rescue dogs, had I been able to have a larger dog breed do to work with.
8: Loving Wife and Mother.
I would love to have 1 more child and own a house with the whole white picket fence thing going on. I want to stay home and keep house, bake cookies and just take care of you are your father. If only he wanted life to go in the same direction as me. But he wants to live on the edge and be free of domestic life in any form.
I look over my list and relies that I am an odd duck. No where on my list are normal things like, accountant, secretary, doctor or teacher. And why wasn't I born in the 1800's. no one really wants to stay home and be a house maker anymore, not since the late 60's anyways. I don't know what I will ever "be" when I grow up. I want you to get a better sense of who you are and what you like. I will give you a little push.

I suppose your list will entail things that I might over look to expose you to. I will do my best to give you the opportunities to try new things { what ever I can afford to do that is.} And someday when you are grown, I hope you can look back and say, "I may not pursue all of those things, but I am glad you gave me that push."

Now give it a shot.

Love, Galoshes

Who We Become

2010-09-07T11:11:00.000-05:00

Galoshes, collecting junk

August 1989

Dear MaryJanes,

Ever since I can remember I have loved digging for treasures. I grew up out in the country on a 5 acre farmet surrounded by woods and fields so exploring was always a favorite past time. I would dig up old cans and stash them away. I loved thinking about how they ended up buried where I was digging and exploring. I would usually end up with some story in my mind of how someone had camped out in the woods while on a hide out from civilization. My imaginary stories were usually so good that I would frighten friends that were along with me. They would sit on edge waiting to hear what happened next. After wards we would have to run home quickly in fear that my stories might actually be true and those hobos were still out there! Nearby there were railroad tracks that traveled along the woods edge, so it was easy to imagine hobos hitching a ride and hiding out in the tall grass. I often dug up old arrow heads and stashed them away in a tin can along with broken bits of dishes and glass pieces. It's funny that those little trinkets of the past captivated my interest far more than any store bought toy.
Some times I would ride my pony out into the woods and just find a soft place to lay in the field and watch the wind blow the trees above. I enjoyed time alone and seemed to enjoy the company of animals more so than people. I never really did fit in anywhere when it came to school peers or groups. I suppose I was more of a natures child than other kids my age. When the other kids wanted to watch TV or stay inside and play dolls, I wanted to go explore.

Galoshes and her pony

You don't seem to have that nature girl in you. You love to style your dolls hair, sit and read your books and cut and paste art creations. There are times when I wish you would want to go outside and dig in the dirt with me, yet I realize that you will fit in better with your peers just the way you are.
As I got a bit older, I would go and spend most weekends with my Grandma Borge. She never did get her drivers license but that didn't stop her from driving. She would take me out junkin' at the local thrift shops and garage sales. She would heckle the people running the sales to discount their prices for her. I would watch her get bargain after bargain on antique plates and bowls. If we were driving along and she saw a yard sale sign, she would always make an illegal U-turn without hesitation or concern for other drivers. It's a wonder that I ever survived as a passenger in her car. On one occasion as she rounded the corner, the door to her big, white car popped open and I tumbled out. The case of hair rollers that I had in my lap spilled to create a salon landscaped road way. I tumbled and rolled down the road and when I came to a stop my grandmother caught up to me. Without asking if I was ok, she simply said, "Oh, don't tell your mother this happened!" She hurried us back into the car and sped off. I realize now that if she had gotten caught driving without ever going through the proper channels, our junkin' days would have been over. I never did tell my own mom, somethings are best keep secret. I loved those weekend outings with her and I learned allot about vintage items from them. We would return to her house and she would unpack all of her treasures and ask me which of them I wanted. It must have been her influence that led me to like all things old and worn.

Galoshes as a girl

You on the other hand like the big stores and shopping. You seem to be attracted to things that sparkle and shine. School clothes shopping will be done at the retail stores this year rather than at the thrift stores. You defiantly have your own taste in clothes, anything I pick up, you scrunch your nose up at. I am raising the daughter my mother always wanted, a frilly dress kinda girl. It is fun to see your personalty and sense of who you are come though. You walk on side walks and I walk on the grass.

Now don't step on the cracks.

Love, Galoshes

April 1989

2010-09-03T12:20:00.000-05:00

Blowing Off Steam

2010-09-01T09:48:00.000-05:00

October, 1988

Dear MaryJanes,

I feel like a rotating door as your father has asked me to once again get back together and see if we can make it work. He tells me he will do his best to be a better man. My traditional values of marriage make me yield to his request. I want so desperately to believe his words. We now have two VW camper vans and so my own father has asked to purchase one of them. He said he needed one for the nights that his job has union meetings that run late and since he is the union VP, he is obligated to stay till the end. We sell him your fathers van and everyone is happy. My folks had purchased a second house about an hour away and have been fixing it up for their retirement home. The house that my sister, brother and I grew up in is too big for their needs and has since been turned into two living quarters. The three of us will rent and live in the larger part of the house, while a young couple will be renting the other half. Everything goes along well until we decided to visit my folks at their new house. Something was very wrong about them, I could sense trouble in the air from their actions and communication. We made our visit short and left for home. I called my sister to tell her that something just wasn't right with our parents. I told her that trouble was brewing. My instincts proved to be right a couple of days later when my mom stopped in unexpectedly. She looked worried and asked if we could talk. We went into the living room and sat down as she began to speak, " your father has been having an affair with a younger woman." She then told me she confronted him as to why he has been coming home so late and acting so different. Apparently the VW van was the cheap hotel for his short comings. I feel like I was blind sided for selling him that van. I was making his affair easy to get away with. That van's status went from hippie mobile to the love shack for a cheap fling. I am going to divorce him she told me. In a half second I said to her, "I know you won't understand this now, but I am happy for you" I went on to say, "Dad is a controlling man and it makes it hard for you to be able to spend time with your grand kids." "In time" I tell her, "you will see that your life will be fuller and happier on your own." "I am sorry that you hurt right now, but trust me when I tell you I am really happy for you and this new direction your life will take" I explain. My mother looked at me in disbelief. I am sure she must have thought I was insensitive to her loss. Frankly I was ecstatic about the whole situation. Be rid of him I thought, a thought I am sure that the rest of my family thinks for me, regarding your father.

Galoshes and her Mother

It was two days later when there a knock at the door. It was him, that man I privately refer to in many words other than dad. " Am I allowed to come in?" he asks. "Yes" your father responds. Funny, it is his house and he is asking permission to enter, I like this arrangement. I invite him to the living room to sit on one of his chairs that was left behind for us to use. I place myself directly a crossed from him on the couch, his couch. and then I blow off steam...26 years of bent up steam. I let him have it like I have never let anyone have it before. I start with telling him how low he has stooped and that if he given my mother anything health wise that she would need to worry about he would have hell to pay. He tells me that this is none of my business. I tell him that all of my life I have played the role of the good girl, always being silly and acting goofy to break the tension of the house. I have kept my mouth shut and let him insult me, call me stupid, tell me that, "only someone with half of a brain would do something that stupid." And now it was my turn, he stands up and says he does not have to take this. I stand up and yell, "Sit down, I am not done telling you how I feel about you yet!" He sits down, he actually sits down. Who's the stupid one now, I wonder? Oh my goodness, letting this steam go is better than a pound of chocolate. I never spoke back to him or gave him lip. I held it all in and now I switched the pressure gauge valve. I have nothing to loose, he can not use my mother as collateral and I do not need to worry about stepping on any egg shells. I have turned a page to a new chapter of my life. As he leaves and walks out the door, it suddenly occurs to me that he is a mean, shallow stupid, little man. He will not have an influence on your life and I feel really good about that.

"The Good Girls"

From left to right, Galoshes, Sister, Mother

The following week, our family is all reunited back to the family house. Discussions are made about the division of property. My father is being a jerk and I say to him, "I despise you!" He turns to me and as if with no feelings at all and says, "Lisa, I have lived 26 years without you in my life, I can easily live the remainder of my life without you."

And so he will, good reddens to him.
The tune Ding dong the witch is dead plays in my head as I write this.

And so some day, I will let you read this letter, so that you will know what happened to that man that got so mad at you when you accidentally touched him with the frozen fish that we had put in the freezer to show off your first catch. The man that in turn took that fish and rubbed it onto you as punishment for touching him with it. All of this happened as I sat frozen in fear like a 3 year old child myself.
You will be better off without him and I will now heal from his words, well, I hope I heal.

Now know why.

Love, Galoshes

Keeping Up With Galoshes

2010-08-31T16:43:00.000-05:00

August, 1988

Dear MaryJanes,

Apparently your father is a bit jealous of my VW collection as he had gone and purchased a VW camper van for himself. I would think with all of his own hobbies { motorcycles, RC airplanes, scuba diving, sky diving, and partying} he'd leave VW's for me to have something of my own. I find that it irritates me to no end. I want the camper van to be something special for you and I.
A little retreat for us to take little road trips with. Something treasured and independent from anyone else.
I had to scrimp and save for this van and I value it like someone else might value a huge diamond ring. I want to create fun memories for us and be able to take little outing that are affordable to take. He just opened his wallet and bought one without any sacrifice to his budget of play things.
We took ride into Michigan for a camping outing. It was cooler at night by Lake Michigan so being all snuggled into the blankets at night was very comforting. Most of our meals I have been making inside the camper but on a really cool evening we walked up to a lakeside convenience store as this wonderful aroma was drifting in the air from that direction. We discover something new, Pasties. It is a hardy meal in an edible hand held pocket. They make a pie-like crust and fill it with roast, potatoes, carrots and celery. We had never had these before and devour them. It's a complete meal wrapped up in parchment paper. We can walk along the lake edge while we eat our supper. We both get full bellies and head back to the camper to build a campfire. I have packed graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars to make s'mores later in the night. The next day we head for home and need to stop for fuel right away. There at the pumps in a young boy standing next to a cardboard box. On the outside of the box is written, FREE KITTENS. We peek inside to find three little kittens steering up at us. Two of the kittens are meowing and one sits quietly. Inside my mind I repeat, no, no, no. You beg and tell me how you will take care of it. "PLEASE MOM!" "Please, pleeeezzeee, PLEAZZZZE" you repeat. "Ok," is said, followed by every parents rules of, "you are going to have to be the one to feed it, and clean its liter box and make sure it has fresh water." You agree to my terms and conditions as the quite, little white kitten with a gray spot on it's head is picked up from the box and embraced into your welcoming arms. "I love him" you exclaim. He seems to love you too, as all the way home he was content to be quite and ride along in your lap. We stop at the first store to purchase all the needed kitty items and a toy for Keyda so that she does not feel left out. A good idea that you came up with on your own. Your kitty never does meow all the way home and we later discover that he is deaf. I have learned that a high percentage of white male cats are in fact deaf. This doesn't seem to effect him as he is curious as ever and is sweet as can be. I am not much of a cat lover, but he is a sweetie.

I have been trying to show you things about nature but you seem to shy away from anything that jumps or creeps and crawls. You surely have no interest in frog and toads, even as I hold them and ask you, "isn't he so cute?" "NO!!" you demand. How can such an out-of-doors woman have created such a fancy city girl? It is a rare treat for me to take you fishing and have you actually like the idea, as long as you don't have to touch anything but the pole.

The one thing that you and I enjoy together is creating. We can work on craft projects for hours at end. When I am working, I make up art classes and projects for you and the other kids. Each day we do something new. You tend to like drawing and are actually very good for your age. You sign each master piece with your name and we talk about how it turned out. You love the bright, vivid colors, of coarse you do, they suit your personality. I adore the warm tones though my favorite would be yellow as it makes me feel happy and silly. I will save a few of your projects so that some day we can open up the box and talk about the past. It is hard not to save all of the art projects, so I pick out our favorites. If I were to guess what your future holds, it would be that you will be an artist. Time will tell.

Now paint a pretty picture.

Love,
Galoshes

Keyda, the best dog ever

2010-08-29T10:54:00.001-05:00

Card made by MaryJanes 1988 (age 5)

Dear Galoshes,
I love the VW bus. It's not only a fun time camping but I hang out in the bus in the driveway. It smells of corned beef hash, which I love, from our most recent camping trip over the Easter holiday. The Easter bunny brought me a purple bikini with pink ruffles, it will be my favorite swim suit of all time. I don't know how the Easter bunny knew where we were camping, but you say that he knows where we are all the time and you were right.

Keyda is my favorite dog so far. She and I are inseparable, she is my protector of all things. Although she will not stop chasing the barn cats. I have taken a liking to one particular little white kitten. She sits in the VW bus with me and we pretend we are camping. It's a fun hideout. We could travel the world just the two of us in this bus.

MaryJanes and Keyda on trip in VW bus to Lake Michigan 1988

VW Bus

2010-08-25T11:54:00.001-05:00

June, 1988

Dear MaryJanes,

I bought a vintage VW camper van with a Westfalia camping interior. So now we can go camping in something other than a tent. The inside has a stove, sink, refrigerator, cupboards, and a couch with a table that folds down to make a bed. The top of the camper pops up so an adult can stand up inside. It is like a compact, little house. I love that when I am driving, you can sit in the back and color will looking out to a wonderful view. I love driving it and I am looking forward to all of the little trips that you can I will take in it. We added a German Shepard, "Keyda" to our family and she sits in the back with you as we travel around. It's nice to have a dog again, as well as the security that she adds to our road trips. I am attaching a snap shot to this letter of us on a trip into Canada.

Now Buckle Up!

Love,
Galoshes

MaryJanes and Galoshes 1988

Why Are You .....

2010-08-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

Image by Sixth and Main

January, 1988

Dear MaryJanes,

When I was growing up we took vacations within the states and it always involved camping. I suppose the most memorable would be driving up the Smokey Mountains with the camping trailer in tow. I can't remember for certain, but I am quite sure all five of us in the family were feeling sick from the steep, narrow, winding road with the instant death cliffs at the bottom. There was no turning around or pulling over to the side of the road to let a fellow driver by, you go forward without hesitation. I wonder what my father felt as he was driving up that mountain as he held our lives in his hands. He didn't much care for the three of us kids, well, ok, the two of us girls. My brother was the shinning star in our family. I have a twisted range of emotions when it comes to my brother. I adore him, he is a really nice person. I love him, he is gentle, strong as well as sincere. I envy him. He is popular, athletic, handsome and the favorite in the family due to being the only boy. To my father, my sister and I are freaks of nature merely because we were born female. So did the thought of taking a corner too sharp ever enter his mind? My sister and I were sitting on the deadly curve side. I have warped thoughts like this now and then. An active imagination that plays like a outdoor big screen movie. If only I had an off button!
Our family trips started out in a big, green, canvas army tent and then graduated to campers. In the summer and fall we went camping at Indian Trails Campground where at age 13 years, my sister met her husband, Roy He was one of the campground owner's sons. She and he started their love affair the same year that she entered her teen years. They would continue dating , get married and have two beautiful children. My father despised him through out their dating years. He would say, "He is a long haired hippie, drug using looser." My sister continued to steadily date him despite the contest of our father. She was always stronger than me in that regard. She knew who she was and stood her ground. She didn't continually question herself as I had done and still do. She is centered and secure in her actions. I wish I were more like that. I question and rehash each of my actions like it is a life or death matter. She reasons things before she acts. I act before reason. I suppose this comes from my dad's favorite sayings to me, "Are You STUPID?!!" "Why are YOU so STUPID?!!" "How could YOU be So Stupid?" Those words were spoken more like a observation, rather than a question. These are words that echo through my head daily. I suppose when you are told things on a weekly basis you tend to start believing they are true.

So on a summer day, when my nerves are at end and you break a little, vintage dog statue, I start to say those words to you, "Are You..........." I stop. Thank God, I stop. But none the less I nearly said those words to you. How could I do that? I bend down, pick up the broken pieces, collect myself and then tell you that it is Ok and it was just an accident. I hug you and assure you that I understand. Your eyes show me that I have let you down as they tear up. I can not think of a worse feeling than what I was feeling in my gut. You are always so good and polite. You listen to me and follow direction and do your very best to be good. How could I stoop to that level of ignorance?
Sometimes I believe that certain things happen for a reason, unexplained circumstances. You and I get in the car and go to the bookstore. For a non reader, I adore the bookstore as well as books. My mother is an avid reader, and I myself have completed one book, cover to cover, The Little Black Pony Races. Even in school when assigned a book to read, I merely used my imagination to do the book reports as I never read them. So it should be considered odd that I adore books, especially old books. I can gaze for hours in a book store. I find the children section and we gather up a few books. You are content to sit and look through them, and have a fondness for Pat The Bunny. It is a sweet, little, chubby, pale pink book with a fuzzy, white bunny on the cover. You know all of the words on the pages from memory.
I had found a book while we gotten you situated and I sat beside you. "Women Who Love Too Much" {when you keep wishing and hoping he'll change} was the title that caught my eye. As I read through the cover write up, I notice that they are talking about me.
Loving turns into loving too much when our partner is inappropriate uncaring or unavailable and yet we can not give him up - in fact we want him and we need him even more. We will come to understand how our wanting to love. our yearning for love, our loving itself becomes an addiction.
I make three book purchases that day, the one in my hands and two for you. That night I sat in bed and read each page and high lighted what spots pertained to me. The book pages were turning yellow.

Image by Jen Kiaba Photography

The following day I bought a Sunday paper, I could not believe my eyes, an ad for a group meeting with a counselor for women who love too much. I am convinced that things happen for a reason. Monday I call regarding the ad and get myself enrolled in the group. After the first session, I set up a private appointment with the counselor. I feel lucky that she has evening appointments available. I had a little stash of money set aside for emergencies, not much, but enough for the meetings and my one time private session. I feel that I have the emergency need to justify the spending of my fund. I sit in her office as she asks me why I am there. I explain, "When I was growing up, I was continually asked why I was so stupid." " Last week when my daughter was playing, she broke an object and the words, Why are you...... came out." "I do not want to be the parent my father was." And then the tear streamed down. She asked me a few questions about my life, my father and my own values. She then assured me that I was nothing like my father."In fact," she said, " you are a wonderful mother and I see no signs that you will ever be like him." I needed to hear those words. She then inquired, "have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?" WHAT??? ME??? I lie and reply quietly, "no" She tells me that this is unusual, that nearly all girls that have been through what I have been through, do. I once again lie, "No, I have never had an eating disorder" She tells me that she has a feeling that I am hiding the truth. I stick to my dishonest word, no. Why did I lie? I was there for help.
I walk away from my sole appointment knowing that if I had the money, I would have liked to have gone again. I liked her and she was a no nonsense kind, and could see through my deception. I continue with the group meetings until my emergency funds are depleted {four sessions.} I know that I will NEVER use the words, why are you so stupid, ever. Those words were for my father to use to make himself feel superior. How much did it actually take for him to feel superior to a child? It would cost years of memories on behalf of my sister and I. This is a bond that she and I share and that no one else will ever fully understand. I do not want to raise you thinking I am superior to you, I want you to be better than me, better at everything that I am.

Now go out there and conquer the world!

Love,
Galoshes

Keeping Busy

2010-08-18T17:24:00.019-05:00

July 1987

Dear MaryJanes,

If I were with the right man right now, I would have given you a sibling. I have forgotten about the pain of child birth and have had the desire to have another baby. Your father would have no part of this notion, and I know in my heart that this would not be either wise or financially feasible. So for now, you will remain an only child. I once again have had my limit your father's wild ways and lack of responsibility. He and I are separating once again and I have no idea of the outcome. But for right now, you and I will move on and take a break from your father's drinking and lack of participation in our family.
My parent's house has been divided into two separate living quarters and we have made the smaller portion our home. It's nice to have a 2 bedroom place with affordable rent, as it makes for more comfortable living. There is a little girl a couple of years older than you that lives near by and the two of you play together. She comes to our house often and I get the impression that her home life is less than desirable. When she is over playing, she invites herself to stay for meals and quite often asks if she can spend the night. I worry about her and why she has a preference to spending so much time with us rather than with her own mother.

Image by Alicia Bock

I am now a nanny for another family that is about to go through a divorce. I was unaware of this situation when I was hired. The husband is an accountant and lawyer an she is a middle school principle. They have two little girls and you enjoy going to play with them every day. I am on a salary and making better money than with the previous family, though there is more stress and still long hours. Both girls are enrolled in about every activity under the sun and so they never seem to have time just to be children at play. We shuffle from the father's house one day to the mothers the following, some times not knowing which home the children will be having supper at. An added job duty is preparation of supper for each family. The father likes big roasts, potatoes, vegetables, bread followed by dessert. The mother on the other hand, has told me that she is happy with anything. As a result, when I am over at the fathers house, a lot of preparing for the last meal of the day takes place. This changes when we are at the mothers house, a big tossed salad and french bread suits her just fine.
The youngest daughter, Lizzie is now enrolled in gymnastics and when we went the first time it broke my heart to have to watch you sit on long the side lines and observe. You beg to go play, and I don't blame you. I find a pay phone and call your father to see if he might contribute towards your enrollment. I do my best to express your desires, but it falls onto deaf ears. He has no interest in such a contribution. I will not let this detour me, as I get out my check book and enroll you in the following classes. I feel like a toddler as I tell him, "I can do it myself!" You will not sit in the side lines next class.

Image by Bonnie Jones

The other day we went to K-Mart and I bought you a Snoopy fishing pole. Sometimes after work we drive to a near by pond and I show you how to fish. I get the impression that you don't much care for the worms and you really don't get the whole concept of sitting in the grass and throwing a line into the water. The Snoopy bobber would be so much better to dress up in a cute outfit rather than watching him float in dirty pond water.

Now play nice.

Love,
Galoshes

A Bit Of Hippy In Me

2010-08-18T13:38:00.009-05:00

Image by ISPhotography

May, 1987

Dear MaryJanes,

Today you and I took a car ride and out of the corner of my eye was a something so exhilarating that I had to make a U-turn. There in a farm yard was a 1973 VW Type One Volkswagen in pale, baby blue and soft, ivory white. I must have it, I WILL have it! I pull into the drive way and get out for a closer view. It is perfect and I will own this VW no matter what. A man walks out as I am giving it my inspection. He is pleasant and I do my best not to seem over zealous. He had just completely redone this charmer inside and out. The custom two tone paint colors were chosen for his wife. Upon completion of this little heart throb he unveils it for his wife, whom, to my advantage was too large of a lady to fit into the drivers seat. So the end result for him was to park the years worth of labor in his front yard so that I would drive along and fall in love. Mission accomplished and VW sold. This will be my good weather transportation and I will continue to drive my Honda in the winter months.
An advantage to being the nanny for a family where the husband is a bank president is obtaining LOANS!!!! I am now the thrilled, beyond words owner of this funky piece of moving art. Everything about my personality says, "VOLKSWAGEN!" I wonder what type of car will suit your personality when you become and adult...?
Today was a perfect day and you look so adorable in the back seat of this classic little car.

Now, buckle up.

Love, Galoshes

Drive Fast, Take Chances

2010-08-17T07:03:00.000-05:00

Image by ISPhotography

Dear Galoshes,
"Drive Fast, Take Chances" A quote I remember being used regularly by my father. The man who claims to be invincible turns out to be just that. And motorcycle racing, not the last of his wild, dangerous, expensive hobbies. I will be taught to "drive hard" and luckily it's in my blood to be a skilled driver. I certainly don't have his fearless mentality. I often let off the gas just before any chances are taken. At least for now everyone is still on the ground! Wait until he takes it to the sky.

Love,
MaryJanes

What Others See

2010-08-12T19:49:00.010-05:00

Image by Kelly Brown Photography

July, 1985

Dear MaryJanes,

I wonder if I will become a widow before you graduate from school? Your father does everything in his power to pursue this equation. Motorcycle racing was his latest roll of the dice. {at least he had to have a sobriety test in order to compete.} He has practiced for this event for several years, both sober and under the influence of a his favorite beverage, anything with alcohol. I do my best to keep him off the roads when he has drank, the problem being that he leaves the house sober with the promise of calling for a ride home, in the event that he has drank too much. Trouble is, he feels he has never drank enough. He had a back roads motorcycle racing buddy that had a promising future. A successful business called A.J. Sweets which was his actual name, would be handed over to him by his father, when he got his life together. The truce between your father and him was "one of us is going to get killed on a motorcycle." Neither of these two have much regard for caution or limits to what speed they will obtain around a blind corner. They pushed each other to exceed any limit. I suppose that when A.J. met his fate on a back, country road, which resulted in him being brain dead, paralyzed, your father felt he had picked the longer straw. He was now invincible, and nothing was going to scare him.

A friend of his, Carl has his own business and has agreed to be his racing sponsor. Carl will also enter himself and his bike in a few runs. Full racing leathers are custom made, I don't even know the price tag on that. My best guess is that we could buy healthy groceries for the three of us for a full year for the same cost. Custom letters are designed onto the leathers to display his friends sponsorship. That word is actually deceiving, sponsorship, it sounds like a free ticket doesn't it!? The cost of the leather letters was his contribution, basic advertising sewn into the full bodied, two toned blue and vintage white racing leathers.
Adjustments were made to your father's motorcycle in order to comply with racing regulations. What ever needed to be 'tweaked" to make it run faster, was done.
I can't deny that your father could possibly become a well know motorcyclist some day. He has the talent, the guts, along with the aerodynamic, streamline Norwegian nose but he lacks in self discipline. And so when your father and Carl end up in a race together, something took place that I am uncertain about. I do know that his friend yells and accuses your father of cutting him off in a corner. I did not see the incident, so I can not say for certain what took place. This did shake your father up though, the thought that his older, wiser friend and sponsor was questioning his judgment.
I don't know if that event aided to the crash that your father took in the following race or if it was simply the oil spill on the track that caused 3 cycles ahead of him to crash as well. I watched those bikes hit that oil and I knew your father was nearing the same corner. Your grandfather witnessed this as well and we both did our best to wave him down, but his sights were on winning not on the spectators.

Image by MFayre Photography

That crash seemed to make him slide forever. The bike was totaled, now reduced to scrap metal. The custom racing leathers now torn and ripped, though they did do their part of holding most of him together. Road rash is nasty and takes a long time to heal, a life lesson I will now learn.

As soon as I see that he is alive and walking, my anger grows for his friend. With a few suggested words from your father, I convince myself that his friend was the cause of the crash. By upsetting him right before a race, it altered his judgment. I head to Carl's trailer where he and his wife are standing. I state my case that I am furious with him for upsetting your father right before a race. His wife pipes in, "I don't know why you even care, he doesn't love you anyway!" I slap her hard right a crossed the face.

There it was, he doesn't love you anyway. I should have listened to those words more carefully rather than acting out of insult. Some times other people can see things about your life that we ourselves can not or will not see. This would be one of those such occasions.
So when you are grown and you see those pictures of a mangled motorcycle, you will know the story behind them.

Now stay on course.
Love, Galoshes

Childhood memories

2010-08-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

Image by Ivy's World

Dear Galoshes,
Most all of my childhood memories will be of visiting with Grandma and Grandpa Johnson. I very much enjoy the time I am able to spend at their house. I am very attached to the little tins and what-nots Grandma has for me to bake with. We make lots of delicious cookies and pies, cut fresh rhubarb from her garden then eat it raw dipped in sugar. I put on her favorite music just so she will dance around the kitchen to me, it's quite amusing and makes me feel good to see her dance in her apron and socks.

Every day when I wake up from spending the night at her house I hear the sounds of Grandpa whistling and the smell of toast and English muffins in the toaster. It is quite different from waking up at home. At home I listen for my father to leave for the day before I get out of my bed, I dread the weekends as it means he will be around regardless of how long I stay in the safety of my bedroom. At the Johnson's I'm quick to jump out of bed and give grandpa a hug and smile. He is always so happy to see me and grandma offers me a choice of breads from the toaster with my favorite home made jams or cinnamon sugar. What I would give to have one of those mornings back again.

Love,
MaryJanes

Reflections

2010-08-10T04:00:00.001-05:00

Image By: warmwhispers

April, 1985

Dear MaryJanes,

I turn 22 years old this month and wonder what I will ever become when I "grow up." I worry about this often as I have no plan. My mom had wanted me to go to beauty school, but the thought of wrapping little, old lady's hair up in perm rollers just didn't sound like a suitable career for me. I worry that I will never have a plan beyond being a nanny. I know that for me, being with you full time, up until kindergarten is what I feel I need to do. I don't have the option of being a homemaker and stay at home mom. I have to earn an income and pay my portion. Your father and I continue to separate our money and I continue to cover your expenses.

Your father and I actually have some fun times together. We go to visit with his folks and his mother and I talk about all of the "what ifs" in life. She became pregnant with their oldest when she was unwed as well, though she was only seventeen at the time. I suppose that for this reason she was so adamant with your father that he was to marry me when you were conceived. She tells me her secrets of how she felt when she became pregnant. She explains that she was so upset with your grandfather that he had put her in that condition. We talk about what our lives would be if we each had not become unwed mothers. I explain to her that I love being a mother, and would not change that for one second. I only wish that her son would be the kind of man that her husband was. She confides me that she feels sheltered and over protected. She shares with me that my father-in-law does not like her to venture out without him. He worries for her safety. I envy her position, if only her son would show some sign of leadership in his role as a father and husband. She and I can sit for hours and talk about life and what we dream about. I enjoy her friendship and consider her to be a very good friend and confidante.
While the two of us chat, your father and his dad wander outside and talk about the things that matter to them. Your father looks up to your grandfather and they share many interests. He is a perfect role model for your father, if only he would follow the lead.

Image by Alice B Gardens

Your grandmother has a little brown cupboard that she hides treasures in for you to discover each time we come for a visit. We call it the three bears cupboard. It is child size and has cute, little doors and drawers. It is filled with miniature baking supplies and you love to use it to pretend baking. Their house is warm and inviting and the aroma of homemade bread lingers in the air. It's enjoyable to be there and I find that your father and I act like an actual married couple while we visit with them. You love being there and your grandparents love you so much.

Their house is decorated with many antiques. Beautiful, simply artwork hangs from each wall. I am drawn to one framed picture in particular. It is a young woman wearing peasant clothing with two large baskets of fresh flowers draped over her shoulders then dangling down from a shoulder rack. She appears to be on a upper class walk way, at the door steps of a lavish house. I take her to be selling her flowers door to door in a neighborhood in which she does not reside. The gaze on her face gives me the impression she feels less than average in her less than average clothing among those beautiful homes. I suppose those women that answer her knock are dressed in gorgeous gowns and purchase fresh flowers daily to adorn their crystal vases that are displayed under the glow of fantastic crystal chandeliers. I can relate to the woman in the picture. I am drawn to her like she is a reflection of myself. The difference between us is that I do not dream of a lavish life style, but merely a warm and loving home in which to raise you.

Now enjoy yourself.

Love, Galoshes

Recordings of the past

2010-08-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

Image by She Hit Pause Studios

Dear Galoshes,
One of my favorite things are those tapes of the two of us chattering. Although I do not wear dresses much I'm sorry to say the girly girl thing is NOT a phase. I will never enjoy getting dirty, hiking, or nature much. I love to look at nature, but don't care much to be a PART of it. I LOVE to read. I must get that from your mother, although I do enjoy your made up stories. I will always be quite serious as well. We are pretty different in almost every way, yet we will always be the best of friends (even when you start telling me how to raise my kids, which will prove to be the test of our relationship). The art however does stick and I will always enjoy creating things, this we will always have in common.

Love,
MaryJanes

Pretty Little Dresses

2010-08-06T21:00:00.001-05:00

Image by Bucks Country Frames

December 1984,

Dear MaryJanes,

I find myself wondering who came up with the saying of "terrible twos"? You will be turning two years old next month and I am enjoying this age so much! You love to color and draw and we spend allot of time doing crafts. Your father's parents read to you, and this is a good thing as I am not a reader. I love to make up stories in place of the actual words. Let's hope you don't end up with a reading disorder from my imaginary stories. You sit very still and pay close attention to the details of each story. We point to the pictures and with my fingers I swirl around the pages to show you the dramatics of the adventure that I have conjured up in my head. If my finger stops for too long, you are sure to take hold of it and guide it along the page. You love to get all cozy with a blanket and pillows all arranges up around you. I prop you up inside a collection of them and get you all snug, like a hibernating bear. You are more on the serious side, though
when you giggle and smile, a cute little dimple appears on your check. Your hair is getting long and is the color of sunshine. You could not be any cuter.

Image by Sixth and Main

When you and I are at home, I set up the tape recorder and let it record your chatter. Some times when I ask you a question, your voice is so cute that I ask it again just to be sure the recorder picks it up.
A funny thing about life, my mom would have loved for me to be a girlie girl and dress up in pretty, frilly dresses and shiny shoes. I would have no part of that. I wanted blue jeans, raggy shirts and bare feet. I remember school shopping with her every year, she would take me to the clothes department and I hated it. My clothes were fine and I didn't need new ones. A pair of new jeans and a couple of T-shirts would due. Then there is you, the girlie girl. I try to put you in blue jeans and you want the dress. You are the child my mom wanted. Maybe this is a phase and you will learn to love Oshkosh Bi Gosh Blue jean bib overalls some day? Maybe...

Now Listen Closely.

Love,
Galoshes

Spending Time Waiting

2010-08-04T06:00:00.001-05:00

Image by Karcharz Photography

September, 1984

Dear MaryJanes,

You continue to make me smile with your sweet little ways. There is something about the softness of your baby legs that makes me squeeze them and say, "I am going to get your chunk-o- legs" You giggle with anticipation.
I have taken you to spend a few hours here and there with your father. He usually asks me to stay around or go somewhere with the two of you. I usually end up doing so, with hopes of having "family time" and it does not occur to me that this just makes it easier for him to watch you. He tells me that he has to drive by my apartment every day to and from work and it has become very dangerous. He explains that he tries to look over into the parking lot to see if my car is there and what type of car might be parked near it. He tells me that he has almost gotten into a few accidents doing this, I think to myself, {well...then don't do that!} He seems to be jealous of the unknown events that might or might not be happening in my life. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Is he learning?
On a Wednesday in the middle of the month I had a date set up with a guy I had met while out with my friend. Our plans were simple, he was coming over for a visit, and to have dinner. I spend allot of time getting ready and have everything set for dinner. He should arrive about 11:30am. He should.....but he doesn't. For the first time in my life, I am being stood up. I put you down for a nap, and I lay down on my bed and drift off.

Image by Karcharz photography

A knock on the door wakes me up after about an hour. I look out the peek hole and see blond hair, he finally made it, I assume. I open the door and say, "Where have you been?" But to my surprise it's your father. He sees that I am "dolled up" as he refers to my hair blown dry and make up on. I see his face turn to serious and maybe even a little surreal. He asks if I was expecting someone and then begins to snoop around. He goes as far as to even open the refrigerator and see the large steak I have ready to prepare. He says, " I can't take this anymore, I miss you and I can't stand thinking about other guys dating you." Has he had an epiphany? Or is it that autumn is in the air and is to be followed by winter. Summer is winding down and motor cycle season is dwindling away.

It's interesting that later, I learn that your father actually met the guy that stood me up. How small is this world? I had met him on a Saturday night, and I had saw your father the next day and told him I had been on a date, I even told him the guy's name when he asked. Later on Wednesday he tells me that he actually met the guy on Monday at a motorcycle shop he was at. Turns out they both went to the same cycle shop, on the same day and struck up a conversation. And then my name became the topic. So, I ask myself, was I stood up or was it an intervention? I guess I will never know.

Your father is handsome and charming and I tend to forgive him too easily. I so want this family to be together and to make a happy home. I can work hard enough at it to make it happen. I just need a few crumbs thrown my way now and then. When he and I go out and have a good time, I am on a high. His gift of gab with people amuses me and I enjoy the new adventures that he brings into my life. I am a junkie for those times, always waiting for the next "fix."

So here we go again, we will give this union, called marriage another try. He makes many promises and I believe he is sincere, time will tell. Keep in mind that I am young and trusting.

Now Give It Time.

Love, Galoshes

In Plain View

2010-08-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Image by alice b gardens

July, 1984

Dear MaryJanes,

I will write this down on this white sheet of paper but I will not talk to you about this until you are a woman yourself. But then again I may never tell you. I have never shared this information with anyone. As it turns out, I won't until I am in my 40's. If I don't share it, maybe it was not real.

{I was raped.}

There, I wrote it. But I still don't except it. Maybe if I write it again......?

{ I was raped.}

A new family had moved into the neighborhood when I was a young girl. I know that I was young enough that I had not gotten my periods yet. Though, I was old enough to babysit my younger cousin. She was about 4 years old at the time, so that would make me between 11 and 12. The new family had a very cute boy named Dave, he was a bit older than me, by about 3 or 4 years, and I developed an instant crush on him. His little sister, Linda was the same age as me and we started a friendship, mostly I just used our friendship to get closer to Dave. She and I had little in common, she was a city girl, and I a country girl. The other girls my age had not developed as soon as I did, and boys tended to notice this. Dave was not to be excluded from this club of boys. A group of the neighborhood girls were all hanging out together on a day that I was watching my little cousin. A game of kick ball started up and Dave joined in. There was only one other boy, Richie, playing along with us. He was a couple of years younger than me, though big for his age. I won't go into all of the details beyond me accidentally kicking the ball and it hitting Dave. This made him mad, and you could see it in his eyes. Everyone could see it. He ran and tackled me onto the ground and summoned Richie. I could sense that something was very wrong and yelled to my friends, "Get "little cousin" out of here." "Don't tell My dad!" I have often wondered why I said that. I know that I wanted them to get my little cousin away from view, but why did I not ask a couple of them to stay? Why did they all run? And why the hell did I direct them not to tell me dad? I feared my father, and Dave was my "friend." Was I protecting Dave? I think that I feared that anything that Dave did, could not compare to the wrath of my own father. Everything would get twisted around, and he would conclude that I must have done something to provoke the events that were to follow. Dave was going to do something to me, I was certain of that, but what, I didn't know. He had Richie pin my arms down as Dave sat on top of me. My shirt was lifted to expose that I was developing breasts. He gave Richie a quick lesson in a girl's upper anatomy. We are in the front yard of a neighbor that might or might not be home. We are on the side of the country road and in plain view of the neighbors a crossed the road. We are kiddy corner from Dave's own house. It's right in that spot that I learn that Dave is not a nice boy and not to be worthy of my crush.
I don't talk about this to anyone, not even the girls that ran, my best friends. I don't tell my sister, my brother or my mom. I just bury it for years and years. I didn't really understand the whole thing before, during or after it happened. No one talked to me about such things. I do not remember walking home, seeing my cousin again that day, or her going home. Years later she questions me about that day as she remembers bits of it.

Image by karcharz

And so when you are a bit older, and you wonder why I ask you questions like, "where are you going?" "who will be there?" or "what is he like?" you will know why. You will also understand why, when you asked me questions about life, I gave you honest and direct answers so that you would be informed. Then someday when you have read this letter, you will know that it was to protect you and to keep the lines of communication open between us. Because I never want you to write the words.....

{I was rapped.}

Now, better understand me.

Love,
Galoshes

Alternate Ending

2010-08-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

Image by Jen Kiaba photography

Dear Galoshes,
Reading this now I vaguely recall this gesture of raising a pinky as a sign of love. Funny to know now where it came from. My memory of it had to be from you and my father. How I wish that it could have been Bill instead. I remember many times asking about your past loves, before dad, and being told of Bill and how smitten he was with you. But I was never told that you had given it another shot after I had joined your life. Obviously, I was too young to create memories of him myself. I wish he had worked out for you. I wish you could have felt for him what he did for you. I wish you could have had some stability and support in your life. Maybe I could have avoided my daddy issues and had a normal healthy relationship with an adult male had he been in our lives.

I think it strange that you could not bring yourself to find happiness with him, a man who loved and cared for you, yet you tried so hard to find happiness with my father who was selfish and hurtful. I find in life that I am rarely lead by my heart and always make decisions with my mind. Perhaps this is why.

Image by MFAYRE Photography

Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe I'm delusional, but although I can recall what my childhood was actually like, the yelling and drinking by my father, I believe I had a good childhood. You see, you were MY stability and support in life. You were my constant, and although you didn't always provide a consistent environment, your love and devotion to me was rock solid. Maybe Bill could have done the same thing for you. Though if he had, we would not be the same people we are today and our story as we know it would cease to be.

Love,
MaryJanes

Old Habits

2010-07-30T06:00:00.002-05:00

Image by irenesuchocki

April 1984

Dear MaryJanes,

When I called my old "love" I never expected that he would say, "Where are you, I will be right there." Even when I have broken his heart, married and then gave birth to another man's child, he still wanted to see me. He was there within the hour, and you took to him instantly. He has a gentle nature and I think you must have sensed that. It was awkward, I wanted to explain how selfish I had been and to tell him how sorry I was for what I put him through, but he did not want to hear that. He told me that all that mattered was that I had called and he hoped he had a chance to step back into my life, our lives. He is so sweet, but I don't know that I feel the same for him as he feels for me. I wish I could muster something up, I just feel bad for him. He never married, he told me he still loved me and would never love another. How can I walk away from this man?
Why is it that I miss you father right now? Right at this very minute when this handsome man with a promising future is offering his love for me and to help raise you. And all I can do is think about why your father does not love me like this. In truth, I am in love with the idea of what I hope your father could become. His father is such a wonderful person, a good soul and someone with integrity. It is my hopes that some day your father will turn into the same kind, gentle man that your grandfather is......someday it's bound to happen.

Image by mfayrephotography

Bill stays and visits for a long time and when it is time for him to leave, he asks if I will come and see his folks, he says they still ask about me. I tell him I think that would be nice and then he walks out the door. I watch out my second floor apartment window as he walks to his car. He looks up and then surprises me with a hand signal that we use to give each other as we parted ways. His arm went into the air, and then his pinkie finger was raised with the other fingers clasped shut, our sign for, "I love you." My eyes water and I realize that I have carried this sign over to my relationship with your father. I 'd almost forgotten where is originated from. There it was, slapping me in the face. I will cry tonight, a good long cry, and when I can not muster up another tear, I will close my eyes and sleep.
Now close your eyes and go to sleep.
Love,
Galoshes

Past and Present

2010-07-28T06:00:00.004-05:00

Image By: Karcharz Photography

April 1984,

Dear MaryJanes,

I believe in the foundation of an old fashion marriage, marry and stay married. Your father has made this moral of mine very challenging to abide by. He will not for the life of me, or you for that matter, GROW UP! I have been attracted to the wrong kind of guys all of my life. I credit this flaw to my father. They say you marry a man that is similar to your own father. GOOD GRIEF, what is wrong with me? I despise everything about my father. Will you do the same? Will you want to date guys that are wild and sexist? {Note to self, have conversation with MaryJanes regarding good guys and bad guys when she turns 3, and drill this into her every year until she marries}

Our apartment is not in the best of locations, but it is what I can afford with your father's $100.00 per month child support that I agreed to. {stupid, stupid woman!} It's a one bedroom so your crib is close to my bed, I love to lay there and watch you sleep. I will go without a phone, I suppose there are plenty of neighboring doors that I could knock on in the event of an emergency. A phone is just an added expense that I can not afford at this time. Your father has rented from a couple that have a house with a mother-in-law quarters, and yes, he has a phone. He can afford this luxury on his $27,000.00 income.
I have gotten back in contact with a friend from my previous pointless job. She was glad to hear from me and that made me feel really good. She stood up for me in my wedding and we slowly lost contact after that. She is not a fan of your father, and was thrilled to hear that I separated from him. She loves to go out and hear music and dance. I don't much care for the smoky bars and how loud it is, but I do love to dance. It feels good to have someone to talk to and laugh with, I have missed that.
I am so glad that during the week you have friends to play with. You seem to take a leadership role, even with the children that are older than you. I set up play stations for you and the others to play. I build forts with blankets and we collect the dolls to put ny-nite inside of it. I try to show you and encourage you to use imagination play, I hope that you maintain this skill through out life. It's a good thing to be able to use your imagination! Sometimes when we are at home and I turn the music on, you and I dance. I have noticed that you actually have really good rhythm especially for just be a little over a year old. This is one of my very favorite things to do....just turn up the music and we dance. You smile and giggle and in those moments everything in my world is flawless.

Image by Alice B Gardens

I wonder what you think about being in a new place? You are used to not having your father around, but now you rarely see him. This is so unfair to you. I question myself several times, Am I doing the right thing? All I can do is to create distance from him to see how he reacts. Will he miss us enough to try to make a change? Will he step up and become the man that you need him to be as a father and that I need him to be as a husband? Can he change? If he could just see that family is the most important thing that life has to offer, maybe he would then just try. But for now, I will look around and see if there might be other doors that open. I don't like being without a man in my life, I never have. For this reason it doesn't surprise me when I drive to a phone booth and scroll my fingers down the pages of small, black text. Will he be listed under William or Bill? I find my answer, William, my first "love" and the guy that was not like any of the other boys in my life. William was sweet, kind and everything a girl should look for when dating. He treated me like I was the most important person on earth, but I got bored, and tossed him aside for a California beach bum. I drop my coins into the slot, and I dial the number that my finger is pointing to. What will I say? Why am I calling? I hear a familiar voice on the line, and a gush of emotions runs through me. Guilt weighs the heaviest to me, I never do well with the feeling of guilt. "Bill......?" I ask. I hear him breathing, he knows it is me. It has been four years, and he still knows that it is me. "Lisa?" he replies. What Am I doing to this poor guy? He is in the past and I should leave the past alone. I can see no good to come of this, yet here I am, ripping an old band-aide off of his heart.

Now Just Pretend.

Love,
Galoshes

Toys break

2010-07-27T06:00:00.004-05:00

Image by Bucks Country Frames

Dear Galoshes,
Your instinctive mothering skills and child like imagination will prove to be what saves me from needing serious therapy when I grow older. Years from now a man asks me what the first Christmas gift I can remember getting was, I recall something from when I was twelve years old. He then asks me what my first family vacation was and I recall details of camping and adventures with you starting around age four. You see, toys break, kids grow tired and bored of them, but memories last a lifetime.

Love Always,
MaryJanes

Comforting

2010-07-24T20:08:00.016-05:00

Image by Alicia Bock

December 18th, 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

We've been having to leave for work a little earlier lately to allow for the conditions of the snow covered roads. I see all of the beautiful toys that the couple I am working for are buying for their three children. They have wrapped them up so pretty and spared no expense to the amount of ribbon and bows that adorn those packages. It's a conflict on my mind not to envy their situation as I know that I have you with me all day long and their careers not only interfere with their daytime hours, but also includes night time meeting obligations as well. I know in my heart that the best gifts that I can give you are my time and love. Even with this knowledge, I would love to spoil you for Christmas with an armload of brand new toys. I have been thrifty with my shopping and tried to spread it out over the last few months. I scan the second hand shops for suitable toddler gifts. I know that you are too young to know any different, but I know. If your father would just release his grip around his wallet, I could buy you something new, something special that was meant for just you. I don't ask for his contribution towards the upcoming holiday, and he does not offer. So it will be what it is to be, thrifty and creative.
I am certain that others in the family will be giving you new toys, and I am so grateful for that. I hate to see you go with out.
I think about a time when I was very young, it's a memory that my sister tells me is one she can never seem to erase from her mind. She tells me that I had very long braids in my hair and chubby little checks, just like you have. We were at my grandparents house for a Christmas get together of my fathers side of the family. All of my cousins were there, I was the third youngest and my sister was the oldest of the cousins. We lived further away from our grandparents then the other cousins and this led to favoritism on my grandmother's part. It was most noticeable when all of the aunts and other girl cousins received bath robes, hand made from big fluffy towels. My grandmother had made them and boasted about how much she loved her own. I sat anxiously for my turn to receive mine. I was about 5 at the time, and didn't understand why my robe had not been handed to me yet. I turned to my big sister, Kim and asked her the question, "Where is my special made robe?" My sister tells me that this broke her heart. She knew that she and I were not receiving those special robes. She understood, even at the age of 11, that she and I were not favored like the other girls, and only special girls got those fluffy robes. She would never forgive our grandmother for not making me a robe like the others received. She did not care that she, herself did not get one, she just couldn't bare the sadness in my eyes of being left out. That's the kind of big sister she always was, putting my feelings ahead of her own.

Image by Jen Kiaba Photography

I suppose now I can better understand what she must have felt. When you become a mother some day, you will want the best for your children too. And on the occasions that they feel left out, your heart will break as you look into their eyes. This is one of those days for me. I can not imagine a much worse feeling than not be able to provide your child with the things that you feel they are worthy of. I will make sure that you feel my love and that I give you a sense of comfort that no toy could ever provide. I hope when you grow up, you know that I am doing the best for you that I know how. I just hope it is good enough. Now stay close by.

Love, Galoshes

Chubby Cheeks

2010-07-23T07:00:00.005-05:00

Image by Alicebgardens

September14th, 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

You are eight months old and have the chubbiest little cheeks! Your smile is soft and sweet and your giggle is contagious. You amaze me everyday with how strong and alert you are. I am really good at this whole mother job! Everything seems to come pretty natural to me. You are a really good baby and this makes my job of raising you easier. I did not return to the job that I had before you were born. The thought of leaving you in the care of some one else was too scary for me. I answered an ad requesting a day time nanny and was hired by the family of five. This job allows me to take you to work with me and to have other children for you to play with. The hours are long as we leave the house at 6 am and return home at 6pm. The payoff of knowing what you are doing all day and making sure the foods you eat are fresh and balanced, makes the long day worth it.

My mom had found a second hand crib and she and my father brought it over when the time came that you needed one. I could see that my mom was worried about me, but she is not the type to interfere. She keeps quite and does not share her feelings with me. My father is not fond of children in general, never was. He especially doesn't have time for girls. Boys are superior in his world. In the event that I might actually want to do something, like have a life, I do not ask my mom to watch you. This would put a tension between her and my father. I am 21 years old and I am living the life of someone in their thirties. I have no friends or social life, and even if I did, after I pay my half of expenses and take care of your needs, there is no gas money left to get me any where. On the upside, if there is something about your father, it is that he is entertaining. On the occasions that he and I do go out together, his folks have been wonderful about watching you. You are their first grandchild and they adore you. Our usual choice of entertainment is to hear a live band and to dance. A motorcycle is generally the mode of transportation and there is a side of me that loves the thrill and danger of riding fast. When I am behind your father on the cycle and he is in race mode of 100 mph plus, I have no fear at all and actually get a bit of an adrenaline rush. I suppose it reminds me of being a young girl and racing through the woods with my horse. The faster she went, the happier I was.
I wonder if you will be a dare devil? Now calm down.
Love, Galoshes

Image by irenesuchocki

What's in a name

2010-07-22T04:00:00.002-05:00

Image by Sadie Olive

Dear Galoshes,
Little do you know that I despise this name "Heather". I shall begin to beg you for a new name in just three short years. For now I am thankful that at least you did not go with some of the made up names you had on your list, although they are unique, they are certainly not fit for this girl. It will be many years before you finally give into my pleas, but Heather Lee is just not me!

Love,
MaryJanes

Breathe

2010-07-20T13:37:00.035-05:00

Image By: Sixth & Main

January 1983

Dear MaryJanes,

I have had no detailed conversations with other women that have delivered babies, so when I am given a paper bag to breathe into, I can only imagine how frustrated the nurses must be with me. They can see that I am not prepared. I have no breathing technique, and I insist that I do no want pain medication. The doctor gets impatient and breaks my water. Why wasn't I consulted on this issue? Isn't that suppose to break naturally when you are ready to arrive? I can honestly say that I am not a huge fan of the traditional medical practice. I would prefer to be in a cabin with a mid wife instead of this sterile room. As it turns out, you are a large baby and it is probably best that I did not get that scenario. I finally am convinced to take something for the pain. I can honestly tell you that I have never used drugs or alcohol, which might be the reason that the pain medication put me right out. I asked if I could just sleep for awhile. I want sleep! We are in the delivery room and the doctor starts to get nervous, I have no energy to continue to push, I can barely keep my eyes open. He has no option other than to get the forceps and help pull you out. You take your first breath and follow up with a well deserved scream. Your father is there, he comments on the delivery, "There is no pee-pee" I interpret this to mean, "Congratulations, Lisa, you have a beautiful baby girl."

You are a beautiful, healthy baby at 9 pounds 1 ounce. I breath a sigh of relief and fall asleep as they take care of your needs. The medication that I was given for pain takes hold of me and I do not remember much right after you were born. I know that at some point they want me to stand up, but I pass out as my feet touch the floor. Next thing I remember is waking up in my room. I am bonded to you the second that I hold you. Everything in my life up until this moment means very little to me. You are my baby and nothing on earth could make me happier. What shall your name be? I ask that question several times.
Your father is rarely at the hospital, he has a cause to celebrate at the bars, and takes full advantage of that. My doctor notices this and grants my wish to stay an extra night in the hospital to get the additional help from the staff while I am there. I have told him that once you and I go home, I am on my own, without any help from anyone. We will be out in the middle of the country with a car that does not have brakes.......still.

On the 5th day, you are finally given a name, it will be Heather-Lee

Image by irenesuchocki

I love you more than my own life. So this is what motherhood feels like!? It is like a natural high. A feeling so calming that I just sit still and watch you breath. I have forgotten all about the morning sickness, it seems like ages ago. I can see that you look just like me, I wonder what your personality will be? Will you be quite and shy? Will you be out spoken and adventurous? So many events to look forward to. I adore you, Heather.
Now just relax.

Love,
Galoshes

Companions

2010-07-20T13:18:00.005-05:00

Image By: Integrity Studio

December 1982

Dear MaryJanes,

We have moved to another rental and once again, we are out in the country. The house we are renting is a charming old farmhouse and I feel it is a better living conditions. I have witnessed a few things that our previous neighbors had done and I know these images and memories will never leave me. I struggle not to replay the events in my mind and find it hard to block them out. There was a couple that rented another duplex on the same driveway that we had lived on and their life style was bizarre to say the least. This family consisted of a man and a woman about my age and her 2 year old son. This man also owned a pet mountain lion and kept it in a cage up on a flat roof top. This is Wisconsin, and owning a mountain lion is not the norm. The young woman ran to our rental every now and then to escape the man's temper flare ups. I have seen the bruises that she has received on her legs and I don't know how she can bare the pain. I have tried to convince her to leave him, but she never does. I feel frustrated and bewildered that she chooses to stay. I suppose my family draws the same conclusion about me. At our previous place on a nice autumn day, I had let the two dogs outside. I later heard gun shots, which is not all that uncommon while living in the country, among acres of woods. After an extended period of time, I called for the dogs to return. Being extremely obedient I was surprised when Kari did not return with Dagmar. The neighbors in the opposite direction of the driveway have a yellow lab which is standing outside in our yard, this was unlike him. I approached him and found a bullet hole on his side. He has been shot......where is Kari? I yell and scream for her with no response. Your father is at work which is at least a 30 minute drive. I never ask him for anything but I call and tell him what is happening at home and ask him to please come come, and drive fast.
We searched the woods and though I was 7 months pregnant with you, I walked those woods, searching for hours. I am heart broken. A few weeks later we move to our new place without the presents of my best companion.

Image by Bonnie Jones

I have convinced myself that you will be a boy. Your father finds this insight to his liking as much as he can fathom the whole concept of fatherhood. You are being referred to as The Little Racer.
I have come to my own medical conclusion that the more stress you have when you are pregnant, the more apt you are to have 24 hour nausea. I am sick from one morning to the next.

I do my best to make your nursery cute. I use vintage items that I have collected through out the years. I don't have much to put inside your dresser and no stock pile of diapers to use. I have the very bare minimum from what I received from your baby shower. If anyone appreciated a baby shower, it was me! Now I wait. I begin to get anxious about your arrival. I am excited to welcome you into my life. I dream about what you might be like. Who will you look like?

I like the yard in this new place. I spend allot of time just sitting on the porch watching Dagmar run around and play. She has taken a liking to the beagle a crossed the road. She listens well and has a funny sense of humor. I think she realizes that she humors me. It helps to have her around, especially since the loss of Kari is so recent.
On a warm autumn day I was enjoying being outside and watched as Dagmar darted over to the beagle's yard, something I try to discourage. I called her back and I saw her stop quickly in her tracks. She was returning to me, right into the path of a truck with a trailer. I called her to her own death.
I think I might curl up and die myself. This life is just too hard, and I don't know what more I can take. With this series of events I start to worry that something might be wrong with you. Has God got it in for me? Am I being tested to see just how much I can withstand? Are you ok? Is all this stress effecting you? I start to talk to you, I now am aware that all of this turmoil must be unsettling for you. I am so sorry that this has not been a peaceful journey for you. I promise I will comfort you when you arrive.
Now Hush Little Baby.

Love,
Galoshes

Try To Nest

2010-07-19T06:00:00.001-05:00

Image By: Warm Whispers

September 1982

Dear MaryJanes,
There is no diamond that sparkles on my left index finger, a proposal was never made.Yet he and I were wed. Between his own mother's wrath and my old fashion views on pregnancy and responsibility he had no choice. Our wedding gift money was spent on motorcycle accessories, and as we left on his "crotch rocket" VFR750 F motorcycle for our honeymoon, I stood my ground and demanded, "I need to spend a little of the wedding money on a couple of maternity outfits!" Wow, that took guts! For a fairly smart young lady, I sure am stupid about this whole arrangement. I am living in a distorted imaginary world of dreams that if I spoil him and give him all the freedoms he desires, that he will learn to love me. Why wouldn't he? I would make such a good wife. I am faithful and loving, funny and witty, direct and to the point as well as adventurous and spontaneous. Even my 2 previous past "loves" still pursue me in hopes of stepping into his place, even when I am 6 months pregnant with another man's child. So there must be something about me that this man should be able to see in me. And is it me? All this time I am trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, without even a clue as to that maybe this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I will remain blind to this knowledge for 16 more years.
You are kicking and moving and I am aware that you are here with me but the reality that a little life with soon be breathing air still has not fully embraced me. I don't take any coarse on child birth, nor do I read any books on being pregnant. I will simply wing this whole 9 plus months. We live out in the country, secluded from just about everything except for the few other renters that live within the same horseshoe driveway that we live on. So the days are spent with my dog, Kari. She is my best companion and when I am sick all day and night with nausea, she seems to sense that I need her comfort. On an outing I took the other day I saw a sign at the end of a drive way, it displays my very favorite words, FREE PUPPIES. My car pulled into the drive without hesitation. A new puppy might solve everything, or at least band aide some of my loneliness. The farmer greets me as I open the car door and takes me to see the puppies. But from the corner of my eye, I see the one that will come home with me. She is watching me as if she is waiting to be claimed. Perhaps a left over pup from the last litter? Or maybe the pick of the litter that they intend on keeping? I ask the farmer if the pup in the drive way is available. He seems puzzled that I am not smitten with the new pups. " I would like that pup, could I have her?" I inquire. He hesitates, and then sees that I am already in love with her. How could he say no? He can't, she is now part of my family, her name will be Dagmar.
When I get home your father is on the phone, I let Dagmar down and allow her to make her own entrance. Kari is thrilled to see a new friend and gives a warm and loving welcome. Your father hears that patters of those four little feet and I hear him say, "It sounds like Lisa has brought something home" He doesn't look pleased with me, he gives me a look that maybe my father would have given me. A look that says so many words with out saying a thing. As he gets up and walks outside, she follows him. She stays on his heels as if she might be pleading her case to stay in her new home. She wins him over with her charm, she will get to stay.

image by irenesuchocki

This is the last time I will be able to venture out on my own for the remainder of my pregnancy. My car brakes have failed and so my little yellow car gets parked and your father, though capable, does not replace my brake pads. I often think of the nursery rhyme, Peter, Peter Pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.
Now Behave!
Love,
Galoshes

Choices

2010-07-17T20:23:00.001-05:00

Image By Alicebgardens

Dear MaryJanes,

July 1982
I don’t know much about pregnancy. I know I am sick everyday and the doctor has written my work to say that I must take an early maternity leave. I wake up nauseated, my day is consumed with trying to keep any little scrap of food down and my nights are a battle to keep from crying from exhaustion. {a side note: If this were getting me into a size 6 jeans..ok then, but it ain't happening!}
I have not shared my secret of you with my family beyond my sister, Kim. She is just shy of 6 years older than me but so much more mature. Years of practice on her part from being the oldest of us three siblings. She had to be wise beyond her years in order to survive her role in our family.

I am just past 4 months pregnant when the phone rings at the duplex that I have moved into with your father. It is my own father on the other line. My sister has spoken those words, “she’s pregnant.” She has done what she thought needed to be done, tell my secret to my parents. I suppose it is all for the best. I am in denial of what is really taking place. I have no plan in place, no crib, no baby clothes, not even a piece of maternity clothes for myself. I have a six month maternity leave at half my wages, half of not much is very little. So how will I be able to provide for you? Everything that I receive goes to my half of the rental and household expenses. I am clueless as to how much your father is heartless to my condition. I just see it as me paying my way. I don't hold your father accountable for his actions beyond living under the same roof. He makes a very good wage and has allot of fun spending it on himself and any latest boy toys that he might desire. He gets his wallet out for the weekend parties that he attends as well as the motorcycle trips that he escapes on. We have now basically become roommates in a twisted type of "relationship". It is apparent to me that I will need to contribute half of any house hold expenses as well as covering any costs that are involved with your needs. {He was not "ready" for children and for the responsibility, and further more, he really doesn't want any children} I don't see my options, do I have any? Can someone slap me to wake me up and show me what else I can do! I really need direction here because I feel like I am drowning..

Image By: mfayrephotography

My father tells me that they are there for me, that it’s "ok." I wish that this helped, to hear those words I mean. But they are words that don’t weigh much to me. My father raised us to be proud, independent and fend for ourselves. I wont be asking for help. I am certainly too self sufficient centered for this.
I don’t see that my pride gets in the way of your well being. I am too young and foolish for this knowledge. This is something I will later learn is a fault in my personality. I see my life as my situation, I make choices, and I need to be accountable. I just don’t see that being in this on my own is not the right choice for you. I hope you make better choices when you are grown and have your own children. Now Do As I Say, Not As I Do!

Love,
Galoshes

Becoming You

2010-07-15T14:03:00.007-05:00

Image by She Hit Pause Studios

Dear MaryJanes,
It is March 19th 1982 and you were just conceived. I know this for fact, without the consult of a doctor. I am sure of this because I know my own body, and as of right now, I am less than 1 hour pregnant with you.
I am not married, and your father is not the man that I should be with. He is wild and unpredictable and certainly not the settling down sort of guy. I am sorry that I have put you in this position. It is not the life that I had envisioned for one of 5 children that I plan to have in my imaginary life that I will never live. I was suppose to find my soul mate, he would propose on bended knee, we would have a small simple wedding, buy a house to make our home and then start our family. I am suppose to have the white picket fence, stay at home and teach you the ABC’s, bake you cookies and raise you in a loving environment. I was born for this role, everything about me reads like a classic love story. Yet, within a split second I have taken another route. So, ok, I can make this work. You may wonder, did I ever once consider an abortion even as your father made the suggestion? NO! I do not feel it is my business to make that choice for anyone but myself, and for me, this is not an option. You are part of God’s plan for me. I am about to exit my teens and enter my twenties, I live in an efficiency apartment with my dog, and just barely making ends meet, by working full time in a pointless job.
Ok, so first lesson to make sure I let you know:
Life is not a fairy tale and the handsome young prince does not ride up on his white stallion a scoop you up and make your life all dreamy. {and a side note, you really should not ride stallions, a mare or gelding are better choices for riding}
So here you are, growing and preparing to become your own person and how can I teach you to be a successful human when I don’t even know what I am doing? I am still a kid myself. I don’t have life figured out yet, not even close.

Image by Sixth and Main

I have so many dreams for you, so here is a list of select things I want you to know:

1: Count on yourself! Trust your gut instincts, be a leader and not a follower.
2: You are smart, funny, bright and can achieve anything you set your sights on. I want you to be confident as well as independent and determined. Strive for those things.
3: Adults are just people, they make mistakes, teachers, sales clerks, policeman and politicians all make mistakes and none are better than the other. Don’t ever think you have to follow a narrow path as to what others might expect you too…..it’s ok to color outside of the lines!
4: Just try it, explore, don’t be afraid of failure. Fear will hold you back from your dreams.
5: Treat others with respect, but don’t let anyone take advantage of you.
6: Find a mate that loves you for exactly who you are, and love them for exactly whom they are, don’t fall in love with someone that needs to be changed or corrected or feels that you need to bend to their likes. Be you.
7: Find out what makes you happy and make your living doing that. Don’t take a job that you dislike, unless it is temporary to help in getting you to your dream job. And keep in mind, money does not equal happiness, happiness is being the person you choose to be and doing what you love to do.
8: Spend time alone, practice alone time, learn to entertain yourself because there will be times when you are alone, and it should be time well spent and enjoyed.
9: Show compassion for others. Life is full of Karma and if you mess up, Karma will kick you flat on your butt.
10: Laugh at your self. Stomp in the puddles, lick the cookie dough from the beaters and stay young at heart.
11: Know that what ever life brings you, I am in your corner. I will be honest with you, encourage you and let you know when you have messed up. The more you show me you are responsible, the more freedoms you will receive. Even though I am young, I know that I am capable of raising you to become a self confident. strong and independent free spirit. So when you grow up, I expect that you will become someone very special! Now Sit Up Straight And Cross Your Legs!
Love,
Galoshes